Colors on my mind

2009-11-20T10:38:00.001-05:00

Sai Baba Nag Champa Incense
Typhoo Tea Decaf Tea Bags

First Vlog

2009-11-19T11:14:00.002-05:00

I am posting this vlog even though I feel like a dork. I am committed to getting as much work done today as possible, so I didn't give in to my urge to get a better angle, think of something more eloquent to say, etc. Just putting it out there.

Inspired by Denise
Philosophers Notes

2009-11-05T10:59:00.004-05:00

November is here, and like each year since my mother passed (7years ago this past March) as her birthday approaches (nov 21) and the days get shorter, I feel sadness rising inside like smoke from a smothered fire.

It amazes me that the sadness and ache can be so strong.

My closest friend from childhood, called this week to tell me that her mother just told her they found a white spot on her chest xray. I feel all tumbly inside. can't even make sense of the feelings.

Some resentment comes up for me too, towards myself, about how much I took for granted my mothers motherly, unconditional love. Although limited in some ways by her personality- her interest in me, interest on a level that only a mother could have for her child was such a gift. What a treasure, a mother's love. The knowing that someone loves you more than anything, and wants what is best for you more than anyone. It feels so petty and selfish to want such things, but I do.

I am so missing her...

Channeling my creative force...

2009-11-03T07:43:00.002-05:00

oiy I am mentally all over the place here. I love the awareness that I crave creative expression, yet practically it has dawned on me that there needs to be space for that to expand, and come through.

So it is a bit much for me to plan on taking creative photographs every day and to post here about it.

So more modification to the portfolio project:

1. daily writing for sure, as this is definitely helping me to channel my creative force. Firstly by helping me to plan better and to get more efficient with work and life so that I have room for the creativity I crave.

daily writing to take the form of one of the following
a) morning pages
b)writing here
c)writing on business blog

I am going to give this 3 day cycle a shot.

This is really giving me the opportunity to accept that often ideas do not come out 100% right away. That it is ok to not be perfect, AND that I need practice in what I can and cannot take on in my life, and that what I take on should be adding to the quality of my life not making me stresssed.

2009-11-01T21:55:00.004-05:00

Ahhh I missed a day already!!

Damn cold. I am still feeling pretty yucky from a cold all three of us got last week. It started with an itchy throat and then went to the chest and runny nose. Now I have this cough - feels like some yucky stuff going on in my chest. Scratchy throat is back and I look and feel run down and tired!

Seems like many many people are getting same thing- adults and kids. I am shocked that i have been sick twice already this fall. I rarely get sick. I think stress may be a factor? Just from being so stretched/busy.

Probably didn't help that last night I went trick or treating with my boy wearing a long tshirt-only to get caught in the pouring rain about 4 blocks from our friends house and our car. I can't remember the last time I felt that physically miserable. Luckily our boy had a blast despite it being cut short by the rain.

2009-10-30T22:53:00.002-04:00

I think the universe is sending me a message...not sure what it is about, but I had a rough day with some personal things...going to go ruminate on these, and see if things become clearer ...

"...each journey, kind of like a haircut, should never be fully appraised until it's complete. Otherwise, one might mistaken a miracle-in-the-making for a setback..."

part of TUT email this morning

"...fear is nothing more than a NEGATIVE EXPECTATION. Think about it, when you’re afraid, what are you imagining? You’re imagining what could go wrong. Yah? If you want to get rid of the fear, you’ve gotta swap your negative expectation for a positive one! It really is that simple."

part of Big Idea email this morning

"..when you feel fear, turn it into inspiration"

patient said to Derek on Grey's Anatomy

Refinding ~ Portfolio Project

2009-10-29T20:42:00.004-04:00

Driving down my road this afternooon, I felt a sense of dread about posting today. Yesterday's post seemed so boring.

When I noticed the dread feeling, I questioned myself. What is my goal as I take on this project to write here every day?

Motherhood is a big part of my life,but my intention for taking on this project is not to write a journal of what I do each day. But what is it then?

As I listened to the re finding podcast by Jen a few moments ago, I had a thought. Maybe this is about re finding my artistic playful side ( with my photography). This will come through in all areas of my life I am sure, but what I want to focus on in this project is to carve a place where I can be creative-completely utterly creative with my photography, for me. To knead and mold the part inside of me that is my core.

My photography now is expressed only as part of a relationship. Either a relationship with my loved ones, or a relationship I share with my clients, and their loved ones.

I don't have much time to play artistically with my photography during a 2 hour session, where my goal is to tell the story of them, using the tools/skills/techniques I know how to use well.

But what I see happening is that there is a need for me to grow and reach and claw and struggle. If I direct this into my art, I believe wonderful things can come. As I write this it comes together. This energy/drive leaks out all over my life. If this life force/creative energy is directed, I believe that I will feel more at peace. That my itch to "do something" will be satisfied..

So with a feeling similar to fear in my chest, I am saying out loud that this portfolio project is about me channeling this creative force.

Quantity over quality....

eeeshhh... what am I getting myself into?

2009-10-28T22:02:00.004-04:00

Today I :

1. Had a friend bring me a yummy decaf americano and sat on the couch visiting while it rained and our boys played.

2. Hung out with a firefighter.

3. Inspired a week or so ago by above friend, cut felt leaves with my boy and added them to a string of christmas lights.

4. Had my boy ask me to "put on some jazz, because I like jazz" after telling him I was going to put on some music before we started our craft.

5. Hung out with a vampire.

6. Forgot we had to drive husband to work so we drove him in still in our jammies - my car was in the shop.

7. Thought sitter was coming this afternoon, then realized I never confirmed.

8. Dropped off camera for a sensor cleaning.

9. Got zero photography work done today.

2009-10-27T23:06:00.003-04:00

At the suggestion of many books and people I admire, about 6 months ago, I started a new routine. I wake up each morning and have 30 minutes of quiet meditation before my son wakes up and I start my day. It is something I find makes all the difference in my serenity.

As the morning is now darker and colder, I find it tougher to crawl out, away from my warm man and from the warmth and heaviness of our down comforter, but I do it because I know later I will be grateful I did.

Recently I find this routine is affecting other areas of my life. I am becoming more willing to change the way I do things, when the way I am doing it isn't working. I am making a connection between willingness in the moment can lead to peace later on. I have struggled most of my life to make this connection.

Here is an example. For a while it seemed I was starting my day off on the wrong foot. I would get up and hop on the computer and feel pulled in. To business, emails, editing, work. Then my son would awaken, and need breakfast and want tv. When it was time to go to school, we would be rushing...me waiting to the very last minute and then rushing him to get dressed. Too many mornings my son and I would get frustrated with each other.

It didn't feel good to drop him off at preschool feeling tense and aggravated. He will only be 4 once. I know I will miss this age.

I decided that I would change the routine. I now pass the computer and go into his room to snuggle him awake a few minutes before he would normally wake up. (Every once in a while he gets up and heads downstairs before this-life with a 4yr old isn't so reliable) but this snuggle time has turned into such a sweet way to start our day. Sometimes I bring up some toast and juice-tea for me. We giggle and read books. I made him a chore list (inspired by a friend who had one for her daughter up in the kitchen last time we visited) on a piece of cardboard. He gets a smiley face for each chore he does. Some mornings he doesn't want to do any of them and I took the opportunity to be ok with that. But most mornings we make his bed together, he picks his clothes, folds his jammies, sometimes takes a bath, sometimes gets dressed without a bath. We brush our teeth. Then we go downstairs for breakfast.

It has made our mornings happy and relaxed. I start the day feeling gratitude in my heart instead of frustration. I still have the to do lists that are too long and can make me sigh multiple times a day, but I start my day feeling good and this makes facing the to do list so much easier.

I found this most amazing quote on Christine's blog today.

"Let the emphasis be on the now in everything. What you do now is extremely important - the decisions you make in this instant, the way you act, the way you think. As you do this, you find yourself changing and expanding. You can become God-filled, God-minded, God-guided as you take this breath now. This is the most wonderful and uplifting thought possible. You literally feel yourself rising in the sheer joy of it. This is where the complete change can come. You need never be the same again. Old habits, old thought forms and ties can be cut this instant and you can become a transformed person - a triumphant being.

You want to be different? You can be, and you can be perfect now. This is a breathtaking thought. You need never, never be the old self again. You are now in the process of building the light-body, raising the vibrations so that every cell in your body is changing. You are becoming light."

~Eileen Caddy

The Portfolio Project

2009-10-26T20:13:00.004-04:00

I stumbled across the Portfolio Project today. I wrote here that Jen Lee's writing class was the only class I took at Squam.

I fell head over heels for her and she inspired me to write. She made me feel brave.

I have been looking for some pod casts to listen to while editing. My computer is upstairs and at night I hear my husband watching tv and long so much for company. Many a night I succumb and go cozy up on the couch by him, but I really could use a few efficient hours of work at night-at least some nights.

So I decided to listen to podcasts by the lovely Jen and Jen starting tonight.

And after the very first one, I am inspired by the idea of quantity over quality. I am going to write a post here every day. Not sure for how long, probably will be inspired when listening to more....but I think it is perfect to combine my writers block, with blogging and use Jen and Jen for inspiration:)

I am not going to worry about format or content. I am just going to blurt it out. giggle. Oh this is really really exciting. I feel giddy.

1. Yesterday a client let me try out their new 5d mark 11 for part of our shoot. OMG can you all join me in squealing AMAZING! This is so on my mental vision board.

2. It was gorgeous here today. After picking up my boy from school, I decided we should go apple picking since I have been sad we haven't gone yet this year.
I left my change in the car, but the goat thought he should show Trey what to do, just in case he did have some change.

3. I thought the cold meant we had the best foliage pass us already. I was soooo wrong. It is gorgeous here. The oranges and yellows are taking my breath away. There are two rotund round chubby maple trees on our side road that are full with perfect yellow leaves. I must take a photo tomorrow to show you. I just want to hug them.

Update in list form

2009-10-24T21:10:00.004-04:00

1. A little over a week ago one of my hard drives crashed. The hard drive that contained ALL of my fine art photographs, ALL my marketing materials, my online client records (thank goodness I keep hard copies). I am still trying to recover emotionally. I am holding on to the hope that someday I will meet a computer genius that is just itching for a photographer to trade with or that I hit the lotto. I just can't bare the idea of having lost my flower photographs forever.

I still have small versions for jewelry but not the larger high res versions.

2. I just posted pics from a photosession with the amazing and talented artist Sarah Ahearn on my photo blog.

3. Our laptop computer crashed/died the day after the hard drive crashed. Hence now I have no ability to get online unless holed upstairs in my studio.

4. The past two weeks it has been mostly damp and cold. The one day it was sunny, I felt so happy. Trey and I went to the park and enjoyed the sun, blue sky, leaves and playing.

5. I love when my boy wants to work sitting side by side, listening to music.

The quick Sqaum art workshop post

2009-10-01T10:57:00.007-04:00

Well I have been wanting to write a post about my experience at Squam, but of course I must wait until I have all the photos edited right? Well that will just leave the post until god knows when. I took the above photograph while at Squam lake this summer-taking photographs of RDC for their website:)

It also has been postponed for the perfect words. But folks I am embracing reality. My posts have to be quickly written, if written at all.

Squam for me was many things, but most of all it was a much much needed vacation. I simplified and only kept one photo session booked, and signed up for only one class and I didn't sign up for vendor night-even though I felt I should.

I have been burning the candle at both ends and decided that if I was taking off for 4 days on a beautiful lake, with the most beautiful woods...no responsibilities, no one to worry for but myself, I should take full advantage.

The one session was with the lovely, beautiful Pixie and her family. I will be posting the session pics when I am finished editing them-over on my photo blog.

The one class I took was Storyweaving with Jen Lee. Let me tell you this was hands down the best writing class I have ever taken. This includes all of my undergrad and graduate classes. I had never met Jen before, nor read her blog/work. I signed up because it spoke to my anxieties about writing on my photo blog and here, and I felt that it was the one class I could take that would send me home feeling if anything clearer and better armed for writing. It did. I highly recommend the class to anyone who has the opportunity. I think she would make an amazing professor.

Although there were so many wonderful art classes to take, I feel I have learned enough about myself to know, that inspiration is something I do not lack. Focus is what I need to work on.

So yes, I went to an art retreat, just to relax and do nothing but frolic by a lake, see some friends (one of them being my sister in law), and hug as many people as I could. It was the best vacation ever!

Thank you Elizabeth for creating Squam Art Retreats and for being you!

Mary Oliver

2009-09-29T11:46:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, my friend Sarah emailed to invite me to go along to see Mary Oliver at Smith College. I can't believe the day is here. Tonight I will get to hear Mary Oliver speak her poems. I am so excited.

I only became interested in poetry a few years ago. Hand in hand with pursuit of my fine art photography came a deep appreciation and connection to Mary Oliver's work.

She writes so beautifully about nature and even loss/grief. As I worked through my grief of losing my mother, I found deep solace in her words.

I wonder if anyone will look at me twice when I walk in with my extra large tissue box. I am certain I will be moved to tears at least once:)

Do you have a favorite Mary Oliver poem?

This is one of mine:

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice - - -

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

'Mend my life!'

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations - - -

though their melancholy

was terrible.It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice,

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do - - - determined to save

the only life you could save.

2009-09-11T13:23:00.003-04:00

Final Piece from Amanda Bontecou on Vimeo.

It has been a long time since I have had the chance to talk with my friend Letha. I just saw this amazing video of her over on Denise's blog and it brought me to humble and grateful tears. Thank you Letha for what you are doing. It is a wonderful and amazing thing.

Old friend

2009-09-10T23:06:00.005-04:00

I have been missing this blog lately. It has been like a pestering child type of missing. One that I keep trying to quiet, but it just won't be quieted. Life has been so different the past 6 months or so, work, work, work with loving my boys in all the spots in between.

I find myself craving poetry, a walk in the woods with my macro lens, and a week with no obligations. I have made so many beautiful connections through blogging here, but sadly all of them are hours and hours if not a full day trip on airplanes, away from me. I came to a place where to really give my photography business a shot, I needed to redirect my energies to building my business offline. But oh how I have missed the connection to other creative souls. I have been putting out a call to the universe for creative friends here on the east coast. Ones I can meet out in the sunshine and laugh with in person. Just because my heart so aches when so many of my dear blog friends live so far away, and I cannot stop thinking of the book The art of fear where they talk about the need for a creative community.

The past week it seems the universe has been listening, and it inspired me to come here and dip my toe back into this lovely place.

This past week I met up with Sarah Ahearn for a photo shoot. She lives only 1hr and 45 minutes from me, eeeeeeeeeee! I knew from emails that she was a doll. I even thought maybe we would get along. But I really had no idea that I would fall into friendship with her instantly. I asked her what music she liked and she started listing off all the music I love! We danced around her studio, talked, and roamed around her neighborhood, we sat on the floor looking through her art and talked about life, especially life as an artist...I could barely pull myself away from her delightfulness, except for the promise that I could hop in my car and visit her for part of a day just on a whim. What gloriousness!

And then... this evening at my sons parent night at school, I couldn't help but eye a new parent. I loved her white crochet bag with green and orange stitching, and that it matched just a little-just enough- with her green striped sweater and her orange accented sneaks. I am a sucker for anything green and orange and perfectly mismatched matching colorful combos. I try to do this myself but fear I fail miserably.

At the break I said hello and in a matter of minutes learned she has a son that is the same age as mine, in the same class, she is an artist and a blogger, and is in need of a photograph of herself for her new book. How cool is that?

I would love to hear how the universe has been listening to you lately.

So in the spirit of new friends and creative whispers I leave you with a randomly chosen Mary Oliver poem:

"The Faces of Deer" by Mary Oliver

When for too long I don't go deep enough into the woods to see them, they begin to enter my dreams. Yes, there they are, in the pinewoods of my inner life. I want to live a life full of modesty and praise. Each hoof of each animal makes the sign of a heart as it touches then lifts away from the ground. Unless you believe that heaven is very near, how will you find it? Their eyes are pools in which one would be content, on any summer afternoon, to swim away through the door of the world. Then, love and its blessing. Then: heaven.

Taking a short diversion

2009-05-26T22:39:00.002-04:00

I have been trying to keep my business blog updated more frequently which has left this good friend a bit quiet. If you would like to see what I am up to take a visit to my other blog: Thea Coughlin Photography

2009-05-03T10:16:00.003-04:00

My boy who appreciates flowers as much as his momma.

Our 15 year old siamese cat named Q. He is 17 pounds and a total lover. Trey is very gentle but Q is the only one who seems to enjoy acting like a teddy bear for Trey.

A few of the dandelions have gone to seed.

Last week I was going to enter a contest in our local paper for tulip related photos. I was trying to put a tulip in my god daughters ear but she wouldn't comply-so Trey of course the helpful one volunteered to instead. I missed the deadline for the contest (I am adjusting to a very busy schedule and still have some acclimating to do). Yesterday Trey picked one of our tulips and placed it behind his ear. I just love his personality.

I have been on a reclaim my health venture. For a month now I have been eating really simple and healthy (3 meals a day) taking one pilates class and one yoga a week, meditating each morning and taking time to laugh each day.

So here I am - for the first time in I can't remember how long where I caught a candid self portrait without worry of how I may appear. I also just got highlights - not so happy with the job she did (I couldn't get in with the great new hairdresser I had found- so I went to a woman I used to go to-even though I wasn't happy the last time either:(

I just ordered the pro base color from ebay yesterday so I will be happy with my color soon:)

And I took my first nature/flower shots in a long while yesterday. That was fun!

What has spring been for you?

Portraits at Squam~ Kathleen~ Thea Coughlin Photography

2009-03-27T13:36:00.001-04:00

I have decided to include a little interview of sorts with the portraits I post from last years Squam Art Workshops.

Here is the first:

Me: Hi Kathleen! Thank you for being my first interview:) I remember seeing you in around the grounds and in the dining hall and being enamored with your beautiful face and hair.
Finally I got the nerve to ask you to let me take a few photographs of you. I hope I wasn't too forward.LOL.

Kathleen: Oh, wow. Thanks for the amazing compliments. I was also so intrigued by you! You were clearly MANIFESTING your dreams in such a big way - it was so inspiring!

Me: Thanks Kathleen! Being the event photographer for Squam last year WAS a manifestation of my dreams. Elizabeth has a way of assisting everyone she meets in doing just this. That is one of the main reasons why going to Squam is such an amazing gift to give ourselves. Can you share with us how you came to Squam last year ?

Kathleen: Well, my story is actually a little heavy. Squam was in the beginning of September, 2008. My husband had been in a serious car accident on June 4, 2008. By mid-August, we had been home from the hospital for a few weeks, and it was clear that he would have an amazing, complete recovery (which he has - sitting next to me, working on his computer right now!). This was amazing news, and gave me the space to completely fall apart! My mom saw the state I was in and so sweetly offered to send me somewhere for a few days to rejuvenate. I mulled it over and could not come up with much that felt at all inspiring, and then I remembered reading about Squam on Andrea's amazing blog (http://www.superherodesigns.com/journal/) and I knew that was IT. I went to the website, registered and just enjoyed the anticipation!

Me: Wow- that is pretty intense. I am happy to hear your husband is doing well. It sounds like your mom is very in tune with you and what you need. I am uber happy you ended up at Squam and I had a chance to meet you.

Me: Is there anything you would like to share with someone that may be thinking about going to Squam but feels a little intimidated?

Kathleen: Just go! Everyone I spoke to had been worried about seventh-grade-lunchroom-esque scenarios, and we all learned that we are grown ups and that stuff just doesn't happen any more! The woods, the lake, the people and the art were nourishing beyond my wildest dreams. I felt like myself for the first time in months. I am having a really hard time refraining from enumerating all the wonderful moments in effusive prose. Go make soulful art in the woods!

Me: I second that advice! Kathleen thank you for talking with me about all of this and allowing me to share your story and your photographs here on my blog.

Kathleen: Thanks for these images, your sweet, sparkling nature and for the chance to share, Thea! Cheers!

SQUAM LOVE PHOTO SESSIONS

2009-03-22T13:43:00.003-04:00

In addition to taking photographs of the loveliness of the workshops again this year, I will be offering 2 kinds of SQUAM LOVE photo sessions during the Fall Squam Art Worshops.

These sessions are being offered at GREATLY reduced prices due to my love for all things SQUAM especially the lovely lovely people I met and know I will meet more of this year:)

***** The sessions are available during scheduled free time on Thursday and Friday only.

FOR THE LOVE OF YOU SESSION......$150

One hour of fun giggle time one on one with me-in the beautiful surroundings of Squam lake. We will play and frolic while I capture you....beautiful you:) This includes 8 full resolution images from the session on a flash drive with a full written release-delivered to you by Monday October 12th.

FOR THE LOVE OF US.......$250

Perfect for you and a kindred spirit. An hour and a half where the three of us will let the sun shine on the bonds you share as well as what is beautiful about each of you as one part of the whole. This includes 2 copies of 10 full resolution images (approx- 4 of you together and 3 individual photographs of each of you) on flash drives with full written release-delivered to you by Monday October 12th.

Due to the limited availability for sessions-full payment is due at time of booking and is non refundable.

Beautiful moments

2009-03-18T19:12:00.004-04:00

One of my beautiful and wise friends Christine sent me an excerpt from a book she loves called "A little more about me" by Pam Houston. As with every morsel of the love we share as friends, came words that spoke right to my heart.

The chapter she sent me was about redefining success....

One line from a section where the author is talking with a dear friend about the "successful" moments/events in her life, one in particular seemed to jump right off the page with arms outstretched...."each moment of conversation in the course of a day when I am able to do the one thing I most want to: speak from a place of courage and love instead of a place of insecurity and fear".

I just loved this. This truly is a success isn't it? Flip insecurity and fear the bird, and jump right into the joy that comes with being courageous and loving.

The past few days I spent some time trying to pick some pictures to go with my links for a new splash page. As I kept looking for the "perfect" photographs, I started to feel some insecurities because I couldn't pinpoint just 3 that I felt were my "best". For me so much of what I love about my photographs is the moment I shared with my subject when I captured it. But when looking at my photographs from a technical standpoint I felt a bit insecure that my technical skills are not where I think they should be.

So I decided to spend the day playing and having fun with some photographs I haven't had the time to edit. Photographs that really captured moments where my dream was clear, my heart was wide open and there was no fear or insecurity to be found.....one afternoon in particular jumped out at me, it was an afternoon this past fall.....where Denise, Kelly Rae, Mati and I climbed into my car and drove off to a winding dirt road Denise had scouted out for her shoot with Kelly and Mati. Denise and Kelly took off to the meadow across the street while Mati and I stayed on the road.

If I close my eyes I can feel the sun on my face as it danced through the leaves, I can hear the tinkle of Mati's giggles, see the sparkle in her eye, feel our energies bubbling and dancing around us as we connected and she allowed me in, to photograph a very special part of her soul. I felt pure joy in this perfect bunch of moments, on a quiet dirt road with a talented and gorgeous artist doing what I am passionately in love with doing-taking photographs.

Thank you Mati......for blessing me with your delightful spirit....

Here are some of the photographs I took that afternoon....

Important messages

2009-03-15T08:19:00.007-04:00

I have been working a lot on how I am thinking lately. It means being responsible for my life and how I create things to be. I think it began with a reminder from friends about how impacting a vision board can be when practicing setting goals-envisioning them coming to fruition, keeping your eye on the prize so to speak.

I have been putting off photographing the vision boards and sharing them here because they are not "complete" yet. This is where I get caught up, in this law of attraction, filling in the details, imagining all that I really want. The whole be careful what you wish for resounds in my head. It must be my cautiousness (a trait I associate with being a Capricorn - with moon and rising in Virgo)

You see the law of attraction sort of frightens me. How silly is that? It frightens me because it really has seemed to work. If it could all be as easy as creating a parking spot.LOL.

Yesterday Albany had a St. Patricks day parade. There is very limited parking downtown as it is, but even more so when there is an event. So we planned on meeting our group of friends near the park so we could have a picnic and let the kids play a bit before the parade. I decided I would start secretizing a parking spot-right near the park. I imagined how psyched I would be-I brought up the feeling of accomplishment, excitement and giddiness-smiled and did my little dance in the car. Since my lovely husband tends to be nervous about city driving and parking, I dropped him and the boy off and drove around dancing in my seat as if I just found a spot. I drove around 3 blocks and there right in front of me -right along the park-was a spot. Folks pretty damn amazing. I mean almost anyone would say there were no spots. About a half hour later my friend called my cell saying tehy were driving around looking for a spot. I told her to drop off her kids and husband and I hopped in the car with her and we started dancing around saying-look at that spot!!!!. We drove the same 3 blocks I had and what do you know out strolls a guy-right to his car-that was 2 spots ahead of where I parked!!!!!

It feels silly to write out, but you should give it a try sometime. If you are going somewhere that is usually crowded - as you leave your house start to imagine getting exactly what you want when you arrive there-and feel the happiness and joy of getting it.

It was a nice da yesterday for us here in the NE. It was 45-50 and sunny. It has been a while since we have gathered with our group of friends. We all have 3-4 yr olds that all started preschool this year. The different schedules threw us all off our routine of getting together. It felt so nice to be outside, with people we adore, laughing and playing. I love that I am not the only one in the group that just can't get enough of how well our children play together or how much we all get along....we ended up gathering at one of our friends homes, bbq'ing, playing and talking until it was past bedtime for the kids.

Now I must add in here that this law of attraction-isn't something I practice all day everyday. I fall off the wagon so to speak, and often.LOL. I have had a wonky few days.....feeling a bit tense about waiting for some news, a bit discouraged that my weight didn't drop off after a few days of creative thinking, PMS, and muscle aches that sometimes I take as a sign of me being out of shape rather than a reminder that I am taking action on changing by exercising regularly.

But all of that is OK. Just being mindful of what I am thinking allows me to see reminders that bring me back to thinking the thoughts I want to be thinking. It doesn't make me perfect-it makes me aware that it requires daily, momentary choices on my part. It is my life to create.

This morning I got an email with this reminder:
The cumulative effect of our little decisions makes a HUGE difference. In The Magic of Thinking Big, Schwartz tells a great little story to magnify his point. He says, imagine what would happen if, every morning before driving to work you took a scoop of gravel and threw into the car's "crankcase." (For those who aren't mechanics, that's part of your engine! :). What would happen? Well, he says, "That fine engine would soon be a mess, unable to do what you want it to do."
Same with our brains. When we throw negative thoughts in it every morning (and mid-day and night and...) guess what? We fall apart. The alternative? Take every opportunity to make good deposits. We need to think of all the things we've done that we're proud of—from the award we won in college or early in our career or whatever. Think about all those things for which we're grateful—from our health to our past successes to the fact that we're alive. We need to overload our brains with good thoughts.

Then when I went to make coffee a light colored spider came scurrying out from behind the coffee canister, and dropped down off the counter (I am not scared of spiders unless they are crawling on me). I was careful to make sure he wasn't close enough to land on me. After sitting down at the table a few minutes later, I looked to my right and there was a spider-just like the first one I saw. My first thought: now what is this spider trying to tell me? My second thought: it couldn't really be the same one, could it? Maybe the kitchen is full of them? I glanced around and then told myself I was being ridiculous. After looking up the symbolism I think there was a message to be gotten.
The Spider is an ancient symbol of mystery, power and growth.
We take our first lesson from the ancient symbol of the Spider by contemplating its web.
Just as the Spider weaves a web, so too must we weave our own lives. The Spider symbol meaning here serves as a reminder that our choices construct our lives. When the Spider appears to us, it is a message to be mindful of the choices we are making - and ask ourselves:
How are my choices affecting my life?
How can my choices improve my life?
How are my choices affecting others in my life?
Not only do Spiders and their webs draw attention to our life choices, they also give us an overview of how we can manipulate our thinking in order to construct the life we wish to live.
And just in case I am not the last one to learn this fabulous news-I thought I would share it here. Smile! Polaroid is saved!

Resting

2009-03-11T12:11:00.002-04:00

I am learning to appreciate the importance of resting. To me right now-this means stopping all work activities and thinking after 5pm on days where I don't have a viewing session.

Last night I went to a Pilates class-even though my shoulder is still tender.

It was the first time I attended a class at this gym. It is the gym my husband and son use for tennis/working out. I have been thinking about joining - especially since they have a great great child care room and yoga and pilates is included in the membership!

The instructor was fabulous. She does voice guided style class, and walks around and helps correct your form. I am absolutely amazed with the difference I slight straightening here or chin tucking there can make. The lights were low and I was present in my body. It felt so nurturing to be doing something where I was really focusing and loving my body. I was sold. Today I am joining, and Thursday I will go to yoga:)

Oh and my shoulder feels ok. Although I felt like I got great exercise for my muscles it felt like just enough, instead of too much. It also helped me break the work thought cycle, and when I got home I felt relaxed, clear and found it easy to have a cup of chai and not snack. All good things in my book.

2009-03-09T12:14:00.003-04:00

I was just looking through Denise's flickr photographs and came across this photo she took of me about this time last year.

I think staring at this photo each day could do wonders for my self esteem:)

Denise thank you for making me see my own beauty. It is such a gift.

I did make 2 vision boards, and promise I will photograph and post them soon:)

2009-03-06T17:27:00.002-05:00

Do you notice the bird in the middle dancing? I am dancing around to Kate Nash right now-even though my shoulder is killing me (no idea why). Can't believe some of you want to see the vision board. I will post a pic tomorrow.

2009-03-04T19:48:00.003-05:00

Sooooooo tired.....giggle

Today was my little guys birthday. Four years old. Wow.

He is sweet, loving, kind, sensitive.....I just adore him.

The winner of the drawing from the other night, is Jacqueline!

The meaning I pulled was: Raven is believed by some to be the bringer of light, truth and goodness. Their intelligence and ingenuity, an ability to use cunning – and association with light, illumination, truth and goodness is what attracts me to this bird.

So Jacqueline email me your choice from my crow photo series and your address and it will be off in the mail to you:)

I am loving these give aways:)

The next one will be drawn on Sat night. Leave a post or email me to be entered. I will randomly draw a meaning and then send you the photograph that goes with it.

Ok I am off to create a vision board. Will share more tomorrow. Night night.

Guest Photographer

2009-03-01T11:51:00.003-05:00

My son has started to take photographs with my old canon power shot. I have been enjoying what he is capturing. Here are two photographs he took this week.

Me at the kitchen table one morning. As you can see we use a lot of cups around here:)My husband juggling.

Winner

2009-03-01T11:42:00.004-05:00

Last night my son chose the winner for my daily give away. And the winner is.......Meg from More to Me !

The item that I pulled from my hat was this one:

10x10 photo

It represents being aware (coffee) of what makes you happy (papaya is sweet and exotic and makes me think of the warm sun on my back as I ran the streets of Pune India while visiting as a child.) Hopefully this image will do for you as it does for me- reminding you to take notice of what makes you happy today.

I will do another drawing tomorrow night at 7pm......to enter, email me with your name and address. It will be the only way I can know where to send the prize if you are a winner.

2009-02-28T07:36:00.003-05:00

Do you use google alerts? It is pretty cool. You can type in your name and each day Google will email you with links to any website that mentioned your name in the last 24hrs. You should try it!

OK-so Beth over at www.Moredoors.blogspot.com (Beth having me on your sidebar made your post pop up in my google alert) just posted a list of things about herself. I have been getting tagged on facebook with list memes and to be honest a)I don't have the patience to figure out how to answer these lists b) when I am on facebook I feel so time crunched that it never seems wise to start a list that will make me think off topic. I can get distracted pretty easily and often never make it back to what I was doing. I am getting much much better at staying on track but thi smeans not answering list posts on facebook. Anyway, when I read Beth's list I found myself saying "me too" so many times, through sips of my first cup of coffee, that I figured I could cut and paste at least half the things and use it to start/shorten making my own list.

So all in blue is from Beth and also a 100% me. I did alter a few things a teeny bit.

~that I never wear jewelry of any kind while I'm inside my house (pathetic since I make jewelry-I also often leave the house without my wedding rings and often wear the same pearl posts I have from Jonatha and Denise every day)
~that my patience level for things I don't have control over can be pretty low if I am rushing-and I am often rushing. Blech. Hate rushing.
~that I'm a hugger-and a toe to toe pelvis to pelvis hugger. Must admit-rarely hug men-most of my friends are women. I do hug my friends husbands but here I let the toe to toe-pelvis to pelvis thing slide. LOL
~that I love to get away with things. When I was younger I was bolder-but I am still pretty bold. ~It is rare for me not to open 3-4 packages while shopping in the grocery store
~that I can be very demanding
~that I'm finding this season of the bachelor addicting as usual but also feel Jason may be a pretty down to earth real guy.
~that I always say "excuse me" to anyone I walk in front of - conscious not to automatically say I'm sorry when there is no fault-it feels submissive
~that I'm very picky when it comes to bed pillows
~that I don't make my bed unless company is coming over
~that I live with an "everything happens for a reason" attitude always
~that I love clean sheets
~that I love towels right out of the dryer
~that I can't carry a tune very well, but sing loudly all the time to the music I love
~that I love vintage cottagey interior design

~I have a real issue with being late-and am having to work extra extra hard not to be.
~I love love love to talk on the phone. I often talk to at least 4 friends every morning and this is often the reason I am late to playdates.
~I love anemones, ranunculus, gerber daisies and peonies. I find roses a bit boring-gasp.
~I started to wear glasses for my nearsightedness (so I could stop hunching close to the computer and needing my nose to touch the book to read.
~I am a HUGE reader, but rarely finish a nonfiction book. I often have at least 3 books I am reading at once-one is usually a trashy murder mystery or vampire book and the others are business related books. I am enjoying Laurell Hamilton the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter books. I am also enjoying The Answer: Grow any business, achieve financial freedom, and live and extraordinary life by John Assaraf (one of the speakers on The Secret Movie &Murray Smith. It is truly fascinating. Next up to reserve at library is Buzz marketing recommended to me by a girlfriend this week.
~I love wine and good food. My husband doesn't have the same aesthetic so I often eat out at nice places with the girls instead. I am a bit of a food snob and have a very sensitive palate. This makes me a bit of a pain to waitstaff when I am dining at upscale places. I don't mind paying top dollar as long as the food is fresh/not too salty/not greasy and not burned. I have no problem sending things back-unless it took extra long to get in the first place. I always tip well.
~I love my other in laws cooking, and my girlfriends cooking-especially Renee', Sandra, Genine and Kelly's cooking. Eating at their house is better than any restaurant.
~I love to wash dishes at family and friends houses. No idea why but I am thrilled that most of them accept and embrace this quality in me. If you ever have me to dinner-let me clean up if I start to. It means I really like you:)
~I am a very good baker, much better baker than a food cook. This seems odd since I am not good at following directions and am impatient, since for baking to turn out well you usually have to be pretty precise about measuring etc.
~I want to learn to play tennis
~I am almost always in a happy mood on a blue sky day.
~I am really wise about things I am interested in and really ditsy about things I don't find so interesting.
~I sigh a lot-reminded ofthis the other morning when my son was pretending to talk on the phone and kept sighing throughout the phone call. Oh and he did a big eye roll with one of them. It is not so cool sometimes to learn about your habits from your 4 year old.
~Not only am I a hugger but I am a toucher. I often will rub the top of someones back-even if I just meet them.
~I get distracted easily-wanted to say get bored easily but my mother used to say people who get bored are boring.LOL. I hate the idea of being boring....

so off I go.

happy day to you - and I will do the drawing at 7pm as promised.

2009-02-18T20:34:00.002-05:00

"Success is the result of good judgment, good judgment is a result of experience, experience is often the result of bad judgment." ~ Tony Robbins
Hmmmm...so if success is the result of good judgment, and good judgment is a result of experience and experience is often the result of bad judgment, then...
Where do we start?!!? Well, failing, of course! :)
We need to quit taking ourselves so seriously and get on it! Emerson tells us that all life is an experiment anyway, so what're we worried about?!?

What am I so worried about. What is the worst that could happen?

Someone asked me this today, and then I open up an email and am asked it again.

I have been having an easier time doing this in my business than in my personal life.

I believe many people have some degree of fear of being vulnerable-of being hurt by being vulnerable.

I deal with it by staying busy. If I am busy doing, I have less mental space to worry about being hurt. I am also protected-or warded off a bit by giving so much energy to a task/job/hobby that there is little room for intimacy.

I have noticed I go through cycles of this in all of my relationships, and this awareness has helped me work on smoothing out the peaks and valleys-or at least trying to smooth out the peaks and valleys:)

It seems I have been having some big and symbolic opportunities to practice this - most recently with Squam Art Workshops 2008.

Rooming with my friend Denise - who being around feels like being tapped into a meditative trance-was dreamy and so enriching. Being around and with so many beautiful, loving, courageous, friends and artists was powerful and so intense.

And then my soul was shifted-lifted up and given wings by the beautiful Christine Mason Miller aka Swirly. I still feel nervous to write about it-nervous to try to define it. Why? Tonight I ask myself "what is the worst that could happen?"

When I am touched deeply and am connected to someone I become spooked. Not by the person. But that it was a fluke. And if I pay too much attention to it, or talk about it, or share it, maybe I will be told or discover that the other person didn't feel the same way. Or I will be made fun of. Or I will find a chink in the fence, that may take the feeling/insight away. I don't know where this comes from......

I was so moved by my experience at Squam that without even realizing it I jumped into being busy. I was too afraid that riding that opened up emotion/feelings would lead me to being disappointed?

I am so deeply grateful that the people nearest and dearest to my heart, seem to get this in some way. They haven't abandoned me even though I get close and then get busy and less connected.

The next step-is to step into the room of cats even though I feel I am as tender as a field mouse. That I keep standing where I am when I find myself getting closer to someone I love or that I feel that deep authentic self inside called to by someone I admire. To stand. Not jump forward (like I imagine I should) or jump back/into being consumed or busy with something (like I think I want to). But to stand still in that moment. In that space. And be ok with the discomfort. To ask myself.

What is the worst that could happen?

Hair

2009-01-18T15:03:00.003-05:00

For a long time I have been getting my hair highlighted. i was a blond as a child, and I always felt I looked better blond.

The most annoying part about it, is roots. It seems like by the end of the first week after it is done my roots are screaming at me when I look in the mirror.

Lately I haven't been feeling very good about my appearance/weight so I started thinking about getting my hair closer to my natural color so I would feel better looking in the mirror and not seeing any roots:)

I have a new hair stylist and let me tell you I adore her. Everything about her is great. Here are a few shots I took of her right before my appointment.

She is so easy to laugh with.

When I got home I wanted Terry to take a photograph of me since it has been a while since I have felt pretty and I loved my hair cut and color.

I have been playing around with new lighting so we used the setup and he took a few of me. One of the things I love about him so much is how we laugh together. When I went to edit I had to giggle at how similar these two sets of photos were. I guess it explains why I like her so much.

2008-12-30T14:30:00.005-05:00

2008-12-29T17:05:00.003-05:00

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary: new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or old laws will be expanded and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with license of a higher order of beings." ~ Henry David Thoreau

The giraffes’ incredible flexibility allows it to take on positions similar to yoga therapies in which the body is twisted and contorted while in a meditative state. This coupled with its kneeled sleep position made many believe that it was actually praying instead of sleeping. When it awoke and stood up its great height would invoke feelings from fear to respect. The giraffes strength and flexibility shows us how to gain control of our physical bodies while expanding our mental and spiritual faculties. Many cultures honored the giraffe including the Egyptians whose art featured giraffe designs.

Giraffes are highly attuned to danger thanks to their height, keen sense of smell and eyesight. With their heads towering high in the sky and their feet firmly planted on the ground they serve as links between the higher and lower worlds. Its flexible neck allows it see what's behind it, alongside it and in front of it. This gives the giraffe the ability to know the future and understand the past while walking in the present moment. It holds the teachings of clear sight and can be a powerful ally for those with this totem.

The giraffe teaches us how to increase our perceptions by viewing life from all angles. When we look up, forwards, sideways and down the past, present and future is known. A wonderful totem to have the giraffe is a bearer of many gifts.

2008-12-04T11:07:00.002-05:00

My little man. I took this practicing with my fong cloud on my flash. Silly me was pointing the flash right at subjects when I first got the cloud. You are supposed to shoot with it going straight up.

It is a good solution I think for using on camera flash.

Magic Blog It Board by MCP Actions

2008-12-03T15:54:00.006-05:00

MCP Actions has a fabulous set of Blog it Board Action templates.

It makes it super easy to put together photos to put up on your blog or website.

Gratitude list

2008-11-25T13:08:00.003-05:00

With Thanksgiving around the corner here is what I am grateful for today:

1. That Baby Boho arrived safely into this world and is with his wonderous parents.

2. When my son gives me this look, says "me too" when I tell him I love him, gives eskimo kisses, tells me "that's cool" after we set up a domino/block/car/marble set up and succesfully popped the balloon at the end, reads me stories while we lay on his bedroom floor by the "pretend fire" he made us from his blocks, aks me to lift my head so he can put a pillow under it, and carefully covers me with his blanket.....

3. The book "Never eat alone" my husband brought home from the library. It is a great book about relationship building and business. Extremely enlightening.

4. The fact that I finally know how to use an umbrella, softbox and my flash.

5. That tonight I am going with a few girlfriends to see Twilight.

6. This weeks True Blood episode.

7. Domino magazine

8. That I am busy with work.

2008-11-06T08:29:00.004-05:00

Last night was the first night I had consecutive sleep without waking up choking on post nasal drip. I don't usually get sick, but this upper respiratory thing really got me the past two weeks.

Boy uninterupted sleep is fabulous isn't it?

I have been floating on a cloud since Tuesday night. I am filled with hope, pride, excitement and motivation to help bring about change.

My sister in law sent me this link. It is a 15 minute video covering some of the behind the stage scenes from the convention of Michelle, the kids and Barack. It is so endearing.

So now I begin to think about how I can implement change. I know these are small but, here are a few things I have thought about the past two days:

~ My tub/shower is coated with soap scum. I had bought this scrubbing bubble spray but it just didn't work as well as the aerosol spray-that I refuse to buy anymore-it seems so toxic. So after spending 10 minutes in the cleaning aisle at Target I decided to try their brand of magic eraser to try while taking a shower. It says it removes soap scum.

Lo and behold-it worked wonders! I got my shower walls clean as a whistle with no scrubbing and no toxic stuff. Cool huh?

~ I admit that I have doubts that my garbage service actually recycles and use that as an excuse to be pretty lazy about recycling. They also only take paper and plastic. So I am going to call them and ask about cans (we have cats so we use a lot of canned food for them) and start being faithful and recycle as much as I can.

~ I looked up and found a charity where I can bring old maternity clothes and baby clothes where they will be given to women/families. I am going to package what I have and bring them there before the holidays. I have never felt good about Salvation army here because they charge more than garage sale prices and that could make it hard for someone to get the clothes they need.

~ I am going to propose to my sister in law that for the holidays instead of buying eachother gifts (the adults) that we buy gifts for a family in need instead.

These are small but I plan on making small changes- a few steps at a time.

2008-11-02T19:16:00.007-05:00

When my feelings are so large they seem to ooze from the seams that hold me together, no words seem to express them properly.

Last Sunday Sandra and I drove to MA to see Jonatha play. As soon as I sat at our small round table I started taking pictures (with MY FLASH!) At the time I didn't know what a faux pas
this was in a small theatre. I was just excited to play with my new flash. I think I need to get out more often. hee hee. A woman sitting at a table 2 inches to my right turns around and snarkily asks if I am going to be taking a lot of photos. I said "probably-but I will stop using my flash". She proceeded to tell me that she also is a photographer, and never uses a flash at a show, she works with the light she has. Part of me wanted to stay focused on her snark, but the student in me won out and I decided to try to get some shots without flash-even though it was dark as hell. I felt really silly knowing I probably blinded J up on stage.

At the end of the night I apologized to the woman again and she decided she should also warn me that my flash could have set off anyone with epilepsy. Now I felt really freaking brilliant. I did learn a lot though, so I guess I owe her a thank you.

Jonatha's voice was so strong. Her range is delightful and so moving. She carried us through jazzy throaty parts, angelic light parts and sassy rockin parts. I felt like I had stuck my earrings in a light socket , because I kept getting these electric rushes that rushed up from my chest right to my head.

The house was packed and warm. All around you saw lovers and families nuzzling together.
When Jonatha told the story first and then sang the most beautiful version of sweetest angel, the floodgate opened and the quiet elephant tears just streamed.

"You're the Sweetest Angel in this World."

LYRICS:

Every night about eight o'clock
I wind the stem of my little clock
And when I look in the crystal glass
I see a lot of faces pass
Of those I knew
And those I know
And you now coming
And you to go

Here's a word I'd like to whisper
And I'd like to have you listen

When I hold you by your hand
I'm in my happy promised land
When I kiss you in the dark
I'm just happy as a lark
So let me come as close as I can
And lay me down beside you

Here's a word I'd like to whisper
And I'd like to have you listen

So let me come as close as I can
Let me bring my scattered pages
Let me lay down here beside you
Tonight, and I will whisper

All this world is made of love
You are fresh from heaven above
You're the sweetest angel in this world
You're the sweetest angel in this world
You're the sweetest angel in this world
You're the sweetest angel

Between sets a little girl came up to Jonatha and requested a song. When Jonatha got to the song, the girls parents shouted out that it was their daughters 10th birthday . At the end of the show she had J sign the back of her tshirt. I asked for the birthday girls email address before she left, so I could send her these photos.J- It was a wonderful night. I feel so blessed to have you in my life darling.
XO

2008-10-29T14:29:00.005-04:00

It has been a crazy few days. If I am going to give this journal a fair shot I just have to jump in. Forgive the randomness.

I think I have pink eye. It itches and I had stringy gunk this am. I am super psyched about going to the walk in place. It is better than trying to get in with my reg Dr. I have had a cough and sinus cold for about 10 days now, so I am convinced that my body has been worn down. Having a toddler in preschool also ensures that i am exposed to some nasty cootie bugs as well-so maybe that is a big factor too:)
Since I decided that this was going to become my journal. Basic recording of my life as a small business owner and mother of a 3.5 yr old, I feel I must introduce you to my local family.
This is 4 of the 5 of us. Kelly (next picture) couldn't make it to dinner this night. From left to right (me, Renee, Sandra and Genine)
Genine and I met in grad school, and became really close when she moved about 10 minutes away and soon after we got pregnant within 3 months of one another.

I met Renee one day when Genine and I were at the apple orchard with the kids. Genine and I had decided we needed to start getting out with the boys. Once I set my mind to something..... Anyway I saw Renee and another lady walking to their cars, and I shouted a hello, and then asked how they met each other. Renee told me about a local moms group they had just been with at the orchard. I showed up to another event and Renee and I became fast friends. Our sons are just 3 months apart in age, and she lives a mile down the road from me.

I then met Sandra through Renee and the moms group. We also hit it off right away. Her son is 2 months younger than my son.

Genine met Kelly after seeing her walk through her neighborhood. She has a daughter who is 5 months older than Genines son. Genine, Sandra and Kelly live within a 5-6 block radius of each other.

Over the past 3 years we have all gotten to be very close. We each have built individual friendships with each other as well as a group bond. We see each other multiple times a week, we formed a book club, go out to dinner (just girls) together for birthdays and have lots of family pot luck dinners, parties and date nights. I do not have blood relatives in the area - these women and their families have become my family here.

I was talking to a close college friend, who lives in Connecticut, today. She stays home with her two children. We were talking about her moms group attempts, and she voiced a lot of frustration because they just don't connect. I encouraged her to keep trying. I shared with her how I had tried many classes and groups before finally finding women I felt really at home with. It also takes a lot of work. Being honest about your feelings when you feel hurt, left out, frustrated or confused-with the intention of understanding more than being understood. It means listening and taking responsibility when you have done something to hurt someones feelings. To do it because you love them and you know they will also do the same in return.

I have had many friendships start and then stop because somewhere along the way they or I realized there wasn't a match. One or the other drove the other crazy more than they brought comfort. And you know what? Thank god I kept trying. Because the friendships I have with these women was worth all the disappointment and frustration I experienced on my way to them.

Weepies + Obama = Priceless

2008-10-29T11:49:00.000-04:00

Squam Slideshow

2008-10-25T09:55:00.004-04:00

E asked me for 30 photos in slideshow format covering location, classes and the spirit at Squam.

So here is a basic slideshow. When you get to the page- go to the lower right and click the play arrow.

I still have more photos to add, but it feels good to get this far.

When I was taking the group photos at Squam-I shared the realization I suddenly had about that being my moment. The moment my dream took over. It was a physical feeling-like a rush up my spine. A calm settled in my heart as I heard my heart say-this is it-you are a professional photographer-you can do this. The scary leaps you have taken brought you to this moment. Of knowing that this is right where you should be.

When I decided to go into portrait photography I didn't plan very far out. I knew I wanted to have a professional appearance, and that I needed to build a portfolio.

I needed kids, families, teenagers, head shots and events.

I started thinking of people I knew through my husbands work, family, friends, and people I knew of through association. I called and offered these people, a free photo session. I approached families in parks and asked if I could take photos of their families, took their email and then emailed them a gallery and sent them 4x6 prints in the mail. This is how I started building my portfolio and how I started getting my name out.

After I got back from Squam I started to get more paid photo sessions. I also started to work on marketing material using some of the portfolio building photographs.

The work load felt pretty intense for a while, with large comp shoots to process, and wrapping my brain around marketing.

The Babies R Us photo opportunity came about because I made this card (uv coated postcards from overnight prints) and left a bunch at Babies R Us. The event manager saw the card and contacted me to inquire if I would be willing to be the event photographer for their Halloween event.

2008-10-24T09:19:00.003-04:00

Photo of me by Denise Andrade

I was talking to a friend last week about blogging. How I wish I could connect with people through my blog, the way I do in person. When I started this blog it was a diary of sorts where I processed the grief of losing my mother and our path through infertility. Then it also became a place where I started to venture into my creative life.

There has been a shift of sorts in my life. Writing here through those struggles and receiving love and support really helped me tremendously. So much that I became ready to move past them. To let go of it. In it's place came things I haven't found as easy to blog about, because they are so different than what I blogged about before. But I am also having a hard time accepting that blogging for me was just for processing that grief.

I want to give back, I want to stay connected to this amazing online outlet of blogging. So I have been thinking about what it is that I want to share through blogging. I keep finding I am trying to squeeze it into what blogging has looked like for me up until now. It isn't working.

So I have decided to start by using this as a diary, and see how it turns out. I am forcing myself to let go of any preconceived notions of what this is supposed to look like.

Dear Diary-

This am I am faced with the question should I sit home today and edit the senior high school shoot-that I have to have the gallery up for by Sunday-and finish the slideshow for Squam that E needs tomorrow, and make T ( my 3 yr old watch movies) or do I get up shower and bring T to the mall 30 minutes away with my/his friend to the bounce house place and keep my fingers crossed he will nap later?

Just 2 days ago T decided he wasn't going to nap any more. That takes away my 2 hr free work time. This afternoon I have a shoot at 4:30. Sunday my goddaughter gets baptiized. Monday I have to set up a place in babies R us to take photos of kids in their costumes. I am freaking out because I still don't know how to use my flash properly and have never done a photo event like this-never mind indoors. When if ever will these nerves go away?

Well T is bouncing around asking repeatedly if he can go outside. Guess we are going to the bounce place.........

2008-10-15T10:56:00.002-04:00

GUTHRIE CATALOG BOWLS OVER BROOKE

October 15, 2008

By Christopher Treacy

Feminine Mystique: Woody Guthrie’s lyrics inspired Jonatha Brooke.

For her new CD, “The Works,” singer/songwriter Jonatha Brooke managed to get in touch with Woody Guthrie’s feminine side.

The Boston-to-New York transplant - whose show tomorrow at the Wilbur Theatre was postponed (until Nov. 18 at the Paradise) late yesterday when it was announced that co-headliner Glen Phillips suffered a hand injury - began by combing through the late Dust Bowl troubadour’s archives in search of lyrics for use in a tribute concert.

But as she became better acquainted with the man through his words, the relationship took on a life of its own. Brooke, 44, became smitten. The result is the first recording of nonpublished Guthrie prose set to music by a woman.

“It really was like a love affair,” Brooke said from Manhattan. “Woody’s daughter, Nora, may have invited me in. But in the end, I was pursuing both her and her dad.

“I learned quite a bit from his words and I’m forever changed for the better,” she continued. “Getting into his psyche and witnessing his incredibly prolific, tireless, unprecious body of work was inspiring beyond my wildest imagination.”

Brooke says a large part of what attracted her to Guthrie, who died of Huntington’s disease in 1967 at the age of 55, was his unusual ability to understand relationships from the viewpoint of both genders.

“It was right there staring cw0up at me,” she said. “I think the ability to emotionally cross gender lines is in us all, to some degree. There are times when my writing is up-against-the-wall masculine. But it was so striking and unexpected to discover that aspect of Guthrie’s character since it hasn’t been brought to light before. To me, his insights about how a woman would feel are breathtakingly poetic and sexy.”

Unlike “Mermaid Avenue,” the 1998 Billy Bragg and Wilco project that also married Guthrie’s prose with original music, Brooke got permission from Nora Guthrie to combine fragmented lyrics from her father’s later years, when Huntington’s had begun taking a toll.

“It was heartbreaking to see his handwriting deteriorating on the page,” she said. “It became so labored and hard to read. And yet, he was able to see beyond the confines of his circumstances. The words became simpler, but no less deep and searching. I didn’t think Nora would allow me to cut and paste, but she loved my idea.”

Brooke, who released the CD on her own Bad Dog label, recruited a team of top-notch players for the sessions, including bassist Christian McBride, pedal steel ace Greg Leisz and keyboard player Joe Sample.

“We recorded 13 songs in two days, which was all the time I could afford for these world-class guys,” she said. “It needed to be a visceral performance, and we took a live-session, old-school approach. The songs demanded it.”

A prolific songwriter in her own right, Brooke may be working for a while to pay for the Guthrie project.

“It’s all on my MasterCard,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I’d love to keep that momentum going and continue putting out a new record each year, but we’ll have to see what happens. Maybe I need to be more like Woody, to keep it simple and be less precious with myself.”

Jonatha Brooke, with Glen Phillips, at the Paradise Nov. 18. Tickets: $25; 617-931-2000.

Weekend drive

2008-10-14T02:27:00.004-04:00

Storyteller

2008-10-09T10:21:00.005-04:00

"Storytellers, by the very act of telling, communicate a radical learning that changes lives and the world:telling stories is a universally accessible means through which people make meaning" ~ Chris Cavanaugh

"To share our stories is not only a worthwhile endeavor for the storyteller, but for those who hear our stories and feel less alone because of it. "
Joyce Maynard

My first conversation with Jonatha was by the lake outside the dining hall at Squam. Like so many of the lovelies at Squam, I felt an instant heart to heart connection with her.

In this first time together she shared a few stories with me, and I instantly knew that I would absolutely adore her music.

Over the weekend Jonatha continued to blow me away with her story telling abilities. Sitting by the fire she would share stories of her family, her friends, and the people she had met at Squam that day. Every story was better than the last, and gave me a sense of knowing the person she was talking about. This is a rare gift. Having the ability to lovingly share about others as well as about yourself.I am so honored to have Jonatha as a friend. She is not only a talented singer and musician, she is funny, generous, sensitive, kind and wise. Jonatha is now on tour. Headed out to Portland as I write this. If you get a chance, check out her tour itinerary. She may be coming to a place near you! If she does, you must treat yourself to an evening of listening to her tell stories through her music and singing. She is so delightful and talented.

Jonatha has been a dancer all her life, which explains this graceful leap:)

Here is a bit of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of hers, called "Ten Cent wings"

"If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself like you
I imagine what you're thinking,
I know, I know

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away with you

I will love across the borders, I will wait until it's dark
I will fly and you'll be with me, my wings, your heart
Then our memory may fail us, and our language will go too

But the shooting stars will catch our
Celestial view........."

Kelly Rae and Mati Rose

2008-10-03T09:00:00.009-04:00

Mati Rose and Kelly Rae had a wonderful evening event. Look at all the joy...

I am amazed that my crash from Squam still seems to be going. I feel a bit discombobulated, crabby, agitated, with a sense of loneliness even though I am surrounded by family and friends that I adore back here at home. I feel disconnected within and tired.

Having two shoots to process when I got home - unrelated to Squam, created a delay in me processing it. Part of me is excited to be able to do that now by processing the images and part of me feels tender doing it. I wish I understood what I am going through better, but all I can gather is that I need to move through it.

2008-10-02T06:39:00.004-04:00

" I think the stonecutter is another perfect metaphor for the process of growing into our full potential. You may have heard the story:
A stonecutter hits a rock with his hammer. The stone splits. The casual observer sees this and thinks, “Wow. That guy is really strong. I can’t believe he broke that huge rock with a single blow!”
The reality (obviously) is that the stonecutter didn’t break it in a single blow—he’d been hammering away at that rock for a long time. Many, many blows went into the rock before it finally split. Most people see someone who has achieved some level of success--whether it’s enlightenment or celebrity status or financial wealth--and think, “Wow, they sure must be lucky.”
Obviously, the stonecutter isn’t strong enough to break a rock in one blow and no one is “lucky” enough to reach any level of excellence without an equally diligent and consistent effort.
So, hit the rock.
Again. And again. And again.
You will break the rock.
(Oh, and by the way, quick FYI: once you’re done with that rock get ready to start swinging at the next one. :)"
~ Thinkarete.com

2008-10-01T06:54:00.005-04:00

I drew this illustration when I was working on a logo for my portrait business.

When I started my etsy shop, I spent alot of time reading the message boards on etsy looking for tips on how to make my shop look cohesive. I hired a graphic designer that my friend had used to create a postcard I could use for marketing material, and the first thing she asked me was if I had a logo. A logo?

I didn't have a ogo and frankly I felt a bit panicked about trying to think of one, never mind create one.

So, I decided to hire her her to create 3 logos for me and decided on this one:
For visual purposes, I liked the border because it signified a ttv border. At the time I was doing a lot of ttv photography. The emotional and symbolic reasons are here in my profile for my jewelry etsy.

Some things I wish I had known at the time I chose this logo.

1. Monarch.com was already taken. As was monarch designs.com! My husband is a bit of a computer wiz and had shared with me that I probably wanted my website to have a simple, easy to remember address. I was distressed when I found out it was taken, but it gave me the opportunity to think about having a business name that made it clear to all what my business was. Now there are many very successful businesses with cool names that don't explain what the business is, but for me, a single woman, beginning business owner, I wanted a name that didn't require a heavy long explanation. Monarch symbolized a lot for me, and it wasn't an easy quick soundbite.

2. That the height of a logo is relevant when you will be using the logo as an avatar, blog banner, stamp, or small sticker. This logo did not work well in any of those instances. Everything became so small you couldn't read it.

So I stuck with this for a while even though it didn't work in many instances. I mean geez, I had spent a chunk of change on it.LOL.

I spent months pondering a web site name, that would work for me, and that was available.

I decided on www.theacoughlin.com

I edited the above logo to be Thea Coughlin Photography and opened a second etsy store, just for my photographs. I kept Monarch for my photo jewelry and used the new etsy for my prints. I had found that my store looked strange to me with both. I was also trying to get my etsy store featured in shopping blogs and it seemed like maybe having both in the same shop made my store a bit harder to pitch.

I then started fiddling around with fonts I found at www.dafonts.com
to create a logo that would work in all sizes.

I began to feel less panicked to get something, and started to have fun. I looked up tutorials on how to make vector images from images I purchased on istockphoto. I started to look at the colors that were prevalent in most of my images, so I could have a color theme for my website and blog. I went to twopeasinabucket and purchased some digital scrapbooking kits. I emailed Rhonna Farrer and inquired about purchasing commercial rights to one of her kits that I thought I would use for my logo (beautiful design but didn't end up feeling like me). I also emailed a blog author that I admire the most, in terms of design, and begged her to do a trade with me. I didn't want to hire someone again to create my logo, because I realized that the process of developing my own, was really helping me get a sense of what I wanted to convey to my potential clients. I wanted to feel it in my bones-to have it evolve from my journey of identifying myself as a business owner.

Finally after many many trials. I decided on this logo, because I loved the femininity and movement of the font (from the original logo) , the colors were the four that I found I focused on in many of my photographs, and the dots were simple and easy to use as a favicon.
I will be back to share more about my process in developing my business. It is finally starting to show movement and I am getting far enough away from the beginning to reflect back and share some of the process for any of you hoping to venture into something new.

I am off now to substitute at my sons Montessori school, in the toddler room. My son moved up to the 3-6 year room this year. I would much rather have the day to myself, but I am trying to focus on being of service.

2008-09-20T22:28:00.003-04:00

I am sitting at my kitchen table with tears dangling on the edge of my eyelids. To the point where they are clouding my vision they have risen so much, but haven't quite brimmed over.

I got home around 9 from a senior high school portrait session. It was beyond dreamy. Imagine 700 acres of land, a dairy farm, dusty roads, old barns, fields of clover the deepest emerald green, baby blue sky with wisps of clouds. Bunny rabbits, beautiful cows, a dog and a warm, down to earth, beautiful teenager.

I stayed there for 3.5 hrs instead of the normal 2. It was so fun.

But this isn't why I am teary. I drove home planning to pull an all niter to get caught up on a family session I had before Squam, and get through the first few stages of editing on today's photo session, so I could get back to editing Squam photos.

Instead I sat down and opened Bloglines. And I have read some posts from lovely souls I met at Squam. The emotion that comes through the photos I took, is beautiful, but I have only had little nuggets of time to work on them and am no where near finished. Reading post after post tonight just has me all melty inside.

Since I got back I have thought at least 15 times a day about writing a post, but I keep avoiding it. It feels like no words can do justice to the experience I had.

Every single person that I came across I felt a connection, I saw a sparkle in their eyes, felt the hugeness of their heart, and could feel their courage. I couldn't help but reach out and hug , hold hands and rub shoulders or knees. The energy swirling around was palpable and delightful. Each afternoon while Denise and I were walking through the beautiful woods, I found myself having a moment of complete and udder exhaustion from all the emotion. Luckily it would dissipate as quickly as it came.

Elizabeth blew me away with what she created. She is so sincere, beautiful, warm, delightful, rooted and wise. In my eyes she really is the Goddess of Squam.

I will continue to write about the experience and post photographs through the week.

I just had to post a bit as the emotions were swirling on top.

Thank you Christine for your wise post about re entering the world after a deeply moving retreat. It really helped me feel a bit more grounded. If you feel you could use some grounding you may want to check it out.

Namaste

2008-09-18T11:03:00.005-04:00

Liz Lamoreux
Kirsten Michelle

Beautiful apron made by Liz Lamoreux

Liz is such a dear heart and creative diva. I was obsessed with getting one of her aprons to where. I feel so loved and yummy when I wear it.

Go check out her shop The little room. She rocks!

**edited to change name spellings. Sorry Liz and Kirsten. I was a bit tired. I also have mentioned in the past that I am intimidated by writing and often only have bits of time. My misspelling and grammar errors are just par for my blog writing.

2008-09-18T10:41:00.000-04:00

2008-09-17T21:44:00.001-04:00

My butterfly
Originally uploaded by colorsonmymind

Everything beautiful, powerful, graceful, talented, gentle, loving, wise, loyal..........

damn it I wish I could get more out before being blinded with tears of gratitude......

Jen Gray

2008-09-17T21:25:00.001-04:00

jen gray
Originally uploaded by Boho Photography

I feel all over-a bit panicked about all the photos I have waiting for me.

But this photo of my sweet sweet shero Jen brought me right back to calm.

She has a way about her. A tenderness and caring that exudes from every pore of her being. A strength and power that you see in her eyes and the way she carries herself. A delightful priceless ability to lighten your heart with her laughter, innocence and humor. And a healing touch that balms your heart and soul.

I learn so much from you my dear lovely soul sister.
Your friendship is a wonderful gift that I honor and cherish immensly.

Thank you for bringing me peace.

This is just one of the mind blowing photographs Denise took this weekend. I just love Denise's ability to connect with her subjects heart and capture the essence of each artist she photographs.

So looking at this beautiful photo I was reminded to stay present today.

To savor the little 3 yr old boy I have. Walking away from the computer when he awakens from his nap early so we can go measuring with his ruler. Pulling myself back in the moment when he rides off on his bike announcing "I am going to get you a treat" and then returns with a crab apple in his hand that he hands to me delicately. I hold out my hand to receive this gift.

And then I offered a bath and a wet sponge fight as an alternative when he wanted to swim in the pool that we closed and covered last week. I laughed and played instead of worrying about the photos. It feels good to stay in my heart.

Tomorrow is another day.

2008-09-17T10:43:00.002-04:00

You got to taste sometimes don't you?
Of that tender kind of connection
That reaches deep and holds you,
By the bones it fills you up
But do you get enough?

I need a bridge in the city of rivers
I need a bridge to run across with my face wide open
Nothing held back in my heart
It could be wide enough for two
It could be wide enough for you
On the other side

So hard to say what is out there
In confusion impossibly clear
I have a wanting ache
And you have the steady gaze of a snake

I need a bridge in the city of rivers
I need a bridge to run across with my face wide open
Nothing held back in my heart
It could be wide enough for two
It could be wide enough for you

I will be waiting for you
On the other side

Lyrics from Deb Talan ~ A Bridge

Each day I have a few hrs to go through the hundreds and hundreds of photographs I took while at Squam.

There is a physical response in my chest. A fullness-a sense of a small place jammed packed with butterflies fluttering - dancing.

I feel a sense of excitement and overwhelm. A gift presented to me-not only to have been there to document this, but also the gift of being able to reform the connections with each and every photo that I look at.

This weekend I felt my heart burst open. My emotions found wings-took flight. It is an intense experience. One I want to hold on to and yet in some teeny tiny way want to escape. Does that make sense? That feeling this so intensely is life altering and feels a bit much?

Just a reminder-for me there are two choices:
blog-stream of conciousness style
not blog at all

Here I am.......

PS. I have so many photos that it seems the only way to process them is to start from the beginning.....

Squam

2008-09-16T08:58:00.001-04:00

one of many the many shots I got of the group
Originally uploaded by colorsonmymind

Re entering the world after The Squam art workshops.

I have so much to share but I am so so tired.

I wanted to tell everyone in this photo. Thank you....for being part of that pivotal moment when my dream took over.

I felt all of your butterflies and am honored to have witnessed their release into the world.

They are special and oh so important.

PS - Christine (aka Swirly) shared the most beautiful analogy at the end of her book launch that has been with my ever since. I cannot even attempt to quote it-but that is where this butterfly analogy came from and it was utterly perfect.

SQUAM art fair!!!!

2008-09-06T06:58:00.003-04:00

Christine over at Sparkletopia has posted (with pictures:) some introductions of the mind blowing, talented artists that will be at The Squam Art Fair. There will be so many!

If you live within driving distance this is an opportunity that can't be missed!

If you are inspired by these artists and moved by their work, this is your chance to soak in the creative energy and love that is bound to be oozing all over this art fair.

I have been pretty bummed the past few years that many of the women I am inspired by and many of the art events I long to attend are on the West Coast. For all us East Coasters this is such a beautiful opportunity to bask in this creativity.

If you couldn't make it to the workshops this year, you can come to the art fair and connect with the artists that are teaching AND all the artists that will be attending. This is a perfect time to make connections and to affirm in your heart the creative pulls you may feel in your own heart and/or to soak in the beauty of all the art that will be there!

On a side note-I keep reminding myself that no matter our experience in expressing our creative side, we are all artists. Every artist that is teaching or selling their art at Squam had a beginning. They all had a moment where they listened to the whispers in their heart and took that uncomfortable, awkward step into their artistic life. I am sharing this with you because I only re tapped into my creativity a couple of years ago and I still remember how hard it was to take that step. To have faith in myself that there was something there for my foot to land on. I didn't know where to start, I didn't know what my media would be. I thought people just woke up talented amazing artists, and since I had no clue what to do, it must mean I wasn't really an artist.

Thank goodness I met Sarah Smith here in my area. She encouraged me to allow myself to take work I was inspired by and try to create something similar. I felt a bit bummed that I had to get ideas from others work. It seemed to feed the gremlins that I didn't have any artistic bits of my own.

But I was so, so looking at it from the wrong angle. I believe, that if a piece of art moves you-there is something about it that expresses energy within you. To use that work as inspiration gets the energy flowing within you. My issue was that so many of the methods I tried at first just didn't tap into the big kahuna artistic river inside of me, and I kept being faced with disappointment because I went into the exploration expecting an instant answer. I thought if I was an artist, I should be able to be instantly start making great at mixed media, paintings etc.

Now looking back I see that I had to keep trying on different hats. I had to keep blundering through this sea of artistic expression, each step I was unknowingly training my intuition, and my ability to see through my artist eye.

In time I started to be able identify the activation of my creative side and how to move on if a method or style wasn't doing it.

Taking workshops is such an amazing opportunity to be shown a method by someone who is in their artistic zone. It gives you an opportunity to try methods and tap into what moves you.

I am sooooooo excited and I have to admit, a bit nervous to be a part of this fair. I can't wait to meet all of you. To connect in person is a wonderful experience.

So here is some key information for you if you plan on attending:

PASSPORT TO AN EVENING OF FUN & DISCOVERY IN SANDWICH!

SANDWICH, NH - SQUAM ART FAIR will be held on Saturday, September 13 at the Sandwich Elementary School in Center Sandwich from 6:30pm to 9:00pm. Open to the public and featuring over 30 artists from all over North America, this is not your ordinary art fair-- so don't miss it! The work available for sale is exceptional and attendees are encouraged to walk about lovely downtown Center Sandwich, and get their "passport" stamped at a variety of local shops and galleries.

The free “passport” can be picked up at the SQUAM ART FAIR, or at any of the participating venues: Patricia Ladd Carega Gallery, Willow Pond Antiques, Surroundings Art Gallery or Mocha Rizing. Once the passport is stamped at each venue, it can then be redeemed at the Corner House Inn for 10% off any entrée (lunch/brunch or dinner) for the entire month of September 2008.

SQUAM ART FAIR is the ending celebration of Squam Art Workshops, which is a four-day event hosted in Holderness, NH at the Rockywold-Deephaven Camps on the shores of Squam Lake. The mission of Squam Art Workshops is to offer an extraordinary retreat that will inspire people from all walks of life, not necessarily only those who make their living as artists. This is a chance for people who do not have the opportunity to pursue art full-time to step off the busy merry-go-round of life and submerge themselves in a beautiful, natural setting replete with inspiring workshops and caring teachers.

SQUAM ART FAIR has a stellar line-up of artists from across the US and Canada who will be selling beautiful handmade work including: original paintings, jewelry, letterpress stationery, vintage dolls, handblown glass, art prints, photography, bags & purses, handbound books, music cd’s, quilts and much more.

Squam Art Workshops and SQUAM ART FAIR are managed by Sandwich resident, Elizabeth MacCrellish. She intends to make this an annual event.

Couldn't resist posting this

2008-09-04T09:48:00.000-04:00

Getting ready for SQUAM

2008-09-01T09:59:00.006-04:00

I can't believe the SQUAM workshops are in just over a week!

I am getting nervous and excited.

This weekend means so much to me in so many ways.

Having a chance to flit around as the event photographer is beyond magical. I keep having delightful dreams of all the beauty I will have a chance to capture.

Being with my darling garden friends - walking through nature arm in arm - giggling - laughing-dancing will be such a balm to my heart and soul.

Meeting new people and a bunch that I know through their blogs but have never had a chance to meet before. I have been so consumed with trying to get my portrait business up and running in an organized and professional manner, while having family vacations and lots of play time with my three year old before school starts again, that I haven't been reading the blogs I so love. For the past week I have almost reveled in the idea that I have no clue who is coming to SQUAM besides my friends who are teaching. This leaves a bit of lingering suspense in my heart as I know that many of the women who have touched my lives through their blogging, will be attending and I get all clap happy excited imagining that I will be meeting a slew of them in a little over a week.

A few bits of nervousness surface here and there as well. Insecurities about my weight, my hair, my wrinkles, my clothes surface here and there. I try to remind myself that these are so silly, but carrying these extra 10 pounds over my old "heavy" weight and all the aging that has occurred with the stress of my miscarriages, as well as the neglect that comes with me embracing each and every spare moment I have to work on my business- leaves me looking in the mirror and being a bit shocked at how the beauty I feel inside doesn't seem to reflect in my outward appearance. As I write this I wonder why I think appearance on the outside is the only way to communicate what is on the inside.

I do admit that I have found myself doing a double take when I catch my own eyes in the mirror. As I look closer for a moment I ask myself, has the color changed?- no- has the contrast changed?- no- maybe it is all the portraits I have been taking. The fact that I treasure being able to catch the glint, the sparkle, the soul in others eyes. So much so that i am started to see my own?

I have been a bit quiet here on my blog, because I find that my thoughts feel complicated and tough to write out. I worry about sounding too scattered, too flaky, too tough, too weak, too worried. When I am tasking on a project I go at it 100%. So much so that I often can become withdrawn-even from my husband and friends. I have been working really hard to be present with them lately. It has been taking a lot of my concentration-leaving my thoughts to float around in the waiting room of my mind, only to be attended to when I get a few moments alone. Then....well then they all seem to rush to the front of the line-climbing over each other.

Oh boy....I am so tempted to erase this, like so many previous posts. I wonder why I hate the idea of sounding so all over the place.
LOL

Anyway I thought I would share a few of the postcards I will be selling vendor night at SQUAM. I will be sharing a vendor table with my soul sister Denise on Saturday night.

Cisco bliss

2008-08-27T13:19:00.004-04:00

Originally uploaded by colorsonmymind

This is a photo of our friends dog, that I took this weekend on a day camping trip.

It epitomizes bliss to me.

warm sunshine, relaxing, soft blanket of grass, comfort and beauty

the dog nose adds to the bliss-as does the scrunch of his eyes and those teeny little eyebrow antenae. hee hee

what has been making you blissful lately?

update*** my friends had to put Cisco (this handsome dog in the photo) to sleep last night. I took a lot of photos of him on our camping trip, knowing his body was wearing out and that he soon would no longer be with us. So with the few moments of bliss you experience while looking at his photos, please add the intent of sending bits of that bliss and love energy to my beautiful friends who are left missing him. XO

Cicada

2008-08-13T14:34:00.002-04:00

The origin of this symbolism in ancient china is attributed to the cicada making noises in paddy fields in summer. Each time farmers make a call, the cicada will call back louder. That is why it was regarded as "every request will definitely be fulfilled". It is the symbol of immortality, youthfulness and makes one's appearance always young forever. In ancient times, a piece of jade carved in the shape of cicada will be placed in the mouth of a corpse before burial as this is believed to immortalized the ancestor, giving the deceased a good life after death. Another great trade of it is having 5 eyes and its ability to detect any approaching enemies.The cicada is also a powerful symbol of protection from danger, enemies and unfaithful friends. If you are often being betrayed, the cicada will help you through by countering the enemies. Politicians and office workers in asia often keep on in their offices to protect themselves from falling victim to politics. For those in the business or corporate world, it is important to have the cicada image to protect against jealous competitors and colleagues. It is also being regarded as a symbol of good fortune because of its ability to sing throughout day and nite. Its never ending singing ability is the greatest emblem of unlimited energy. You may place the cicada in the east for longevity and health, or in the north and northwest for protection against politics in office.

2008-08-05T15:53:00.003-04:00

I posted these videos a long time ago, and today while talking to a friend I remembered them and thought I would share them here again.

My son was just over a year old here. Now he is 3.

Isn't childrens laughter contagious?

2008-08-05T09:35:00.003-04:00

This past week I had some tensions arise in a very important friendship. My friend and I are both portrait photographers. We have very different approaches to our business and to our photography. Tensions and insecurities built between us. Tensions on my side coming from trying to learn how to do right by myself and not make myself small while still being considerate. Each day my emotions would ride a hypothetical roller coaster. On Sunday afternoon, fear gripped my heart and I felt so overwhelmed with it.
Since I had talked the situation out many many times already with other friends and family, I decided the only relief I could offer myself that would really help, would be to pick up my camera for a meditative adventure.
First I went to a patch of wildflowers near the golf course near by. Patches I had driven by many times the past few weeks.
The golf course had mowed around the patches-leaving these 3 plots of wildflowers near the entrance to the parking lot.
Sitting in the grass and focusing my mind and heart on finding beautiful details, eased my mind and coaxed my heart to a better place.This next photo is titled 'troy" from this portion of the song by Sinead
(Oh, I love you
God, I love you
I'd kill a dragon for you
And die

But I will rise and I will return
The Phoenix from the flame
I have learned
I will rise
And you'll see me return
Being what I am
There is no other Troy
For me to burn)
I felt a bit restricted and distracted being between a parking lot and a road with a lot of traveling cars, so I decided to get back in my car and drive to the nearby soccer field. To feel the expanse and allow my heart to open as widely as possible.
I sat in my car and started writing on the only scrap piece of paper I had in my car:
Sitting at the open field to feel the expanse. Do all the goals peppering the scene take all that away? Can I focus on the sky and all that is open instead?

i spot a monarch butterfly on milkweed and ask myself if this is a sign?

maybe I should get out of the car with my camera and capture th elesson it has to offer.

Instead I reamain seated and taunt the faitfulness of it.

i wait until my glance back finds no orange wings to land on.

my eyes dart in search

not accepting that I may have lost the chance
that opportunity is not so fragile, so fleeting

my pen glides across the paper
i pause and glance again

I catch the expanse of orange wings

should I get out now?

What if once I make the effort and approach it is gone?

I get out of the car and approach the thicket that was left unmowed along the side of the field. The milkweed is about 8 feet into the thicket.

I capture these photos:what is sweeter, the nectar that feeds growth or the growth itself?

The monarch opens it's wings when bees approach. i watch to see if it will move. Instead of moving it seems to stay embraced with the flower, which provides its nectar. Neither the wind nor another insect results in the monarch leaving what it settled upon. The bee settles itself on the same flower and begins to gather as well.

So much fear and loss affects my inner perspective. I come to the flowers, the monarch, with camera in hand, to find my message, my truth. To allow my heart to burst open.

Two dear friends across the country also helped me see the focus was on scarcity and to shift to focus on abundance may change the whole dynamic.

many emails back and forth
time and reflection
messages from the flowers and monarch
insight from wise friends and family
love of a friendship coming from both sides
all lead to a conversation, an openess, truth, and understanding leaving us both feeling 100% supported, free and excited for all the abundance to come for both of us........

Have you taken a mediative photography retreat to get clear on an issue? I would love to hear about it and see the photos.

If you haven't, I ask you to try it and share it.

Every one who shares will receive a 4x6 photo of their choice from this post. You can share in the comments or email. make sure to leave your address and choice of photo.

2008-07-31T16:58:00.003-04:00

I got this from Arete.com and it so applies to me right now.

I feel that tension, that doubt and it is so damn hard to resist and not snap back to what I have done in the past.

The tension is almost unbearable.

How have you managed when faced with this type of tension? I could use some ideas:)

“The way you create any outcome in your life is to hold the vision of your deepest desires. At the same time, though, you must honestly and accurately assess your current situation and how it relates to your greater vision. By doing this, you engage tension between what is and what can be. This tension is the primary creative force behind the manifestation of any outcome. It’s as natural and powerful as the force of gravity.”

~ David Emerald, Author of “The Power of TED*”

Pick up a rubber band. (Imagining it will be fine. :))

Put it between the biggest finger on each of your hands. Pull your fingers apart, stretching the rubber band. Now, imagine that your right hand is your ideal, pulling away from your left hand, which is your current situation.

Feel the tension?

Nice.

That tension between your fingers is the same type of tension that exists when you dare to dream and envision your ideal life. The moment we do that, we create what TED from “The Power of TED*” calls “Dynamic Tension” between our ideal and our current reality.

Here’s the challenge: What do we want to do when we feel that tension between our fingers and between our ideal and where we are? Relieve it, right?

As TED advises: “In the case of dynamic tension, you can resolve the tension in either direction. You can let go of your vision and snap back toward your current reality, or you can move from your current situation toward your vision.”

As Victims, we compromise our ideal vision and then bitch that someone’s persecuting us.

As Creators? As Creators, we know that “It’s impossible to invest your soul in a compromise.” So we hold that tension and take what TED calls “Baby Steps” toward our goal.

“It is the Baby Steps you take, the everyday things you do,
that eventually lead to the manifestation of your outcome.”

“Some of the steps you take may end up being detours or out-and-out mistakes.
By staying focused on your vision, though, you’ll find even those steps useful in the creating process.”

Feel the tension and take a Baby Step, baby!!! :)

2008-07-28T18:50:00.002-04:00

Here are a few of my favorites from a recent shoot.

2008-07-24T09:49:00.003-04:00

I have been spending a ton of time trying to create a logo and business card/marketing brochures. I used Rhonna Farrer's Cheer digi kit through two peas and a bucket store, for the logo and am awaiting clearance to purchase commercial rights. The wonderful Ez from Creature Comforts has been a stupendous help with creating the layout of the front of the card.

Here is the latest version:

SALE

2008-07-22T14:43:00.002-04:00

Blow out sale at Monarch!!!!!

I am liquidating my jewelry shop to make room for my portrait and fine art photography.

The universe has mysterious ways of working because a few days after announcing my sale last week, I was contacted by a jewelry designer who contacted me through my photo etsy, asking if I would work out an agreement where she could make pendants from my photos.

It was perfect timing!

I will let you know when she has some up in her store.

In the meanwhile, everything but the tutorial is part of the sale. I have more items that I will be listing in the next few days.

Buy one item and get one of equal or lesser value FREE!!!!!!!!

This is a great time to start your holiday shopping. All items will be wrapped beautifully ready for gift giving.

2008-07-22T10:42:00.003-04:00

I have spent the past 5 or so days free time prepping for a gallery show in downtown Troy. The last Friday of every month in the summer they have Troy night out, where all the places in downtown Troy along the river have open houses, and the gallery I am showing in introduces the new show for the month.

I thought my ttv images would look gorgeous in framed in old windows, so I have been stripping, sanding and preparing these frames. Ummmm yeah what a PITA. But I am super happy with the results. In addition, my last minute decision left me without custom mat cutting options due to the time restraint, so I decided to also teach myself how to cut mats and frame myself.

That has been an interesting process. LOL.

A few things I learned:
if you use the outer side of the window to insert the artwork, you may want to remove the caulking along the edges, as it is sloped and uneven, as well as impossible to insert the tacks into. If I had realized this I would have saved a lot of mat board and the resulting settlement on duck tape to hold the mat and backing in.

Cutting Mat board takes some practice but for a reasonable price you can do it yourself with just a few materials.

I used :
mat board( local cool art supply)
foam core( local cool art supply)
large metal t square (jo annes)
tape measure (junk drawer)
pencil (junk drawer)
logan model mat knife ( local cool art supply)
freestyle basic model 1100 mat cutter ( local cool art supply)

To finish the framing you can use;
logan fitting tool or duck tape (LOL) ( local cool art supply)
screw eyes (michaels)
hanging wire (michaels)
metal cutter (Lowes)

Arete

2008-07-14T11:01:00.002-04:00

I have blogged about notes from the universe many times. My darling Meg forwarded me a link to Thinkarete.com and I love it just as much as notes from the universe. In some ways it feels like a bit meatier.

Areté--a word that literally means virtue or excellence but has a deeper meaning...something closer to “constantly striving to reach your highest potential.”

Today I got this from them:

"Success is the result of good judgment, good judgment is a result of experience, experience is often the result of bad judgment."

- Tony Robbins

Hmmmm…so if success is the result of good judgment, and good judgment is a result of experience and experience is often the result of bad judgment, then…

Where do we start?!!?

Well, failing, of course!

(Quit taking yourself so seriously and…) Get on it!

Emerson tells us that all life is an experiment anyway, so what’re you worried about?!?

Frog symbolism

2008-07-14T00:16:00.003-04:00

Instead of one huge-o post I broke it down into three:) hee hee

Tonight it is raining and cool. I went to get my camera from the car to take a photo of the squam package and this beauty leaped right out in front of me. It felt serendipitous so I looked up and found this about the frog:

The frog speaks of luck, purity, rebirth, renewal, fertility, healing, metamorphosis, transitions, dreaming, and opportunity. In many cultures, the frog symbolizes shamanism and magic as well, teaching us to leap swiftly from one level of consciousness to another - from this world to the Otherworlds. Frogs help us to find courage in accepting new ideas, to foster a sense of self-nurturing, and to discover connections between ideas.

When a frog jumps into your life it may be indicative of the opportunities that can be discovered in the now of your transition. The frog has a unique growth cycle and undergoes some incredible transformations in its progression and attainment of full adulthood, just as we humans do. Hence he understands what it feels like to endure some serious growing pains, and uncomfortable and even yucky feelings, along that transition. And their ability to lay enormous amounts of eggs lends to their fertility symbolism as well as being synonymous with abundance.

As the sun reaches out....

2008-07-14T00:13:00.001-04:00

Have you ever seen
anything
in your life
more wonderful
than the way the sun,
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon
and into the clouds or the hills,
or the rumpled sea,
and is gone--
and how it slides again
out of the blackness,
every morning,
on the other side of the world,
like a red flower
streaming upward on its heavenly oils,
say, on a morning in early summer,
at its perfect imperial distance--
and have you ever felt for anything
such wild love--
do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure
that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you

Part of Mary Olivers beautiful poem The Sun

There has been a stirring in my heart as I see a style emerge in my portrait photography. I have longed to recognize my artistic voice, in my photographs since I started photography a couple years ago. It felt like I was all over the place, exploring different cameras, photography techniques and Photoshop processing styles. I love and continue to feel moved by the images I created, but always got stuck on the question "who is your target audience?". What????? Recently I reached out to a handful of people I admire and asked for some help. One of them asked me this question and I found that after the initial moment of panic and silent exclamation: "oh shit, this question again?" I actually found that I had an answer.

Even though I have been craving it for a long while I find I am now a bit nervous about embracing it. I mean if I embrace my style, I won't be able to try to please everyone will I? I won't please everyone. It took me a year or so to realize as a teacher that not every student was going to love my teaching style. Then I embraced it, and worked at being as organized and informed as possible so that I was a good teacher to all and a moving/memorable one to some.
In photography this means continuing to hone my skill. To build and feed the foundation so that i can be sure what i produce is not chance but my style.

Sometimes I call my friends or sil and ask for feedback. Inside I have felt like a child in need of a pat on the head. Some encouragement, some excitement to be shown back to me. To tell me whether I am headed down the right path.

Now the more I am allowing my inner eye to guide me, the more I actually FEEL when looking at my photos. It is the strangest and most beautiful gifts. It is not every picture, sometimes one in 1,000 (like this one above) that when I look at it a happiness and joy fills my heart. I start to get that chills feeling you get when listening to a singer that blows you away, and it spreads and dances in my chest.

I had a beautiful thing happen-recently-when I asked a person what they thought of some of my recent photos and I could tell that they just don't speak to her the way they do me. At first my I noticed doubt picking at me. But it never really found a scab worth peeling. What I did find was my self. Albeit a wobbly knee, just born calf, aspect of myself, but it feels like more than enough.

This week my son was completely and utterly in heaven being with his cousins-especially this lovely sunny girl above. I noticed that he was all smiles and giggles and happiness when she was too. When she was in a slightly different place I saw him sometimes patiently wait for her mood to change, and a few times he seemed upset by it. I really can relate. The best place to be it seems is in your own joyful happiness open to anyone to come join you but not getting upset if they don't.

So I sit here with tear filled eyes, doing a dance in my chair as I embrace that I am starting to find I do in fact have a style emerging that speaks to my joyful self.

my style of photographs will often include:
the sun
soft and dreamy qualities
eyes
sun flare
yellows, blues and greens often with a splash of pink
images with both high contrast and blurry softness

Hmmmm these words do this absolutely no justice. This is so HUGE in so many aspects-way beyond photography...........

SQUAMALICIOUSNESS

2008-07-14T00:05:00.004-04:00

I have been away on vacation with my in law family for the past 8 days. It was so nice to be with family and to get a break from the day to day stuff.

It was strange and a bit uncomfortable for me to write a few posts ago about creating a Squam fund. It seemed like a great idea but didn't quite feel like it was going to be enough to get me there. I am very glad I did put it out there though, because to put it out there-to say it out loud helped set things/law of attraction into motion.

All my dreams about Squam....well they are now even more than I imagined. I get to be the event photographer!

There couldn't be a more perfect way for me to experience this event. I look forward to capturing joyous moments between all the beautiful artists, that range in experience with technique, from beginners to teachers, all in one magical location. What a gift.

I hope I get to see you there.

Wordle

2008-07-09T08:55:00.003-04:00

What fun wordle is. Thanks Deni for the link:)

Jessie got me again;)

2008-07-05T11:06:00.005-04:00

I went over to check in with Jessie and found one of the most powerful posts with an equally powerful video. This video clip represents such love and beauty. I started to cry a minute in. Amazing!

"LOVE KNOWS NO LIMITS AND TRUE FRIENDSHIPS LAST A LIFETIME"

~maive~

2008-07-05T10:38:00.001-04:00

~maive~
Originally uploaded by mistybliss

oh my goodness look at this one.

I am melting

"close your eyes...

2008-07-05T10:36:00.001-04:00

"close your eyes...
Originally uploaded by mistybliss

How amazing is this photo? This photography is so amazing.

New Fairies

2008-07-04T18:37:00.004-04:00

Fairy Queen
Fairy snow
Fairy sun

Fairy white
As a child I loved picking my mother nosegays of delicate wildflowers I found while taking walks. The other day my son and I arrived before the doors opened at his camp, so we wandered around the school grounds identifying flowers. My son has grown to love flowers almost as much as I do. We picked a pretty little nosegay for my son to give to his teacher. Never to early to teach my son it is nice and easy to give women flowers, right? hee hee

I have been spending little time photographing flowers lately, so when I found I really wanted to photograph these flowers we were picking it felt familiar and made me smile. When I went back later to pick up my son from camp I brought my camera and took a few photographs. Ever since that day I have noticed flowers everywhere. My desire to photograph them is there but not quite as strong as it was last summer.

Yesterday on a walk to the park down the road, I noticed a bunch of delicate wild white flowers that I realized would go beautifully in a series with Fairy White. So we came home, got the car and my Duaflex and headed back to the park.

Now in my rush, I forgot the light blocking tube I made for the Duaflex, and so I had to improvise. This was definitely a funny sight, but I wasn't laughing much.

It was sunny and warm and I am pretty crabby when I get too hot. The reflection on the viewfinder of the Duaflex camera was terrible. I tried to contrive a makeshift sun blocker.

The setup for getting the above shots involved me perched on a step of the play gym in the park with everything else on the step below me. I brought a small cork board with a piece of turquiose paper pinned to it. The cork board was resting on a rail, the Duaflex camera was balancing on a soft pack of baby wipes. I took the yoga mat from the back of my car and tried to keep it folded around the outside of said baby wipes, somewhat being held in place with my legs and one hand, and I must say not very successfully. I also was holding and navigating a not big enough cloth umbrella over my head with the same hand that was holding the yoga mat. With my other hand I was trying to take the picture of the viewfinder but my macro 100mm lens is long and I need to get a certain distance away to get the whole viewfinder in. The problem was as I backed up my head hit the umbrella and the higher the umbrella had to go, the more the yoga mat became displaced, and then light creeped in onto the viewfinder from like a million angles. I was a sweaty cursing mess. I was barely able to ignore my sons sudden request to go in the baby swing, or to deter him from wanting to play with the vase of flowers I was photographing; but what really pushed me over my thresh hold was when he was on the top of a very high slide and started standing up on the platform saying in an urgent voice that he had to go pee pee.

Anyway. Just thought I could share a little back story behind these photos......

Squam

2008-07-02T14:13:00.006-04:00

I keep thinking about Squam. The thought of gathering with a bunch of creative and empowering women, some including my dear friends makes my heart skip a beat. All year I have been craving the feeling of being inspired and rejuvenated after such an emotionally taxing year.

These feelings have intensified since I had to cancel going to Artfest this year. I was dreaming of going to Artfest but the timing was wrong, it was a bit longer than what works for our family that includes a three year old and only has one set of grandparents to help with childcare. Oh and the cost, that was a big factor as well:)

Right around the time I had to back out of Artfest, I started hearing about Squam. I decided I would not sign up unless I got my business debts down to a certain limit and had the money in hand to go. Losing my deposit for Artfest because there were so many people trying to sell their spots last minute and I had no takers to buy mine, taught me not to put down a deposit unless I am super duper sure I can go.

One of the factors that makes Squam seem so much more manageable for me and my family than Artfest, is that it is only a 4 hr car ride away. Ever since I have started blogging I have envied all the bloggers on the West coast that are within driving distance of so many yummy gatherings.

Now I have a yummy gathering within driving distance from me and I feel this deep pull to go. To be surrounded by nature, creative and business ventures, friends I know and friends I am meant to meet is such a dreamy possibility. It feels like it would nourish my heart on so many levels.

I have been talking to some of my girls about how I could manifest this into being. Deni told me she heard about Christine Castro creating a fund for herself to help get her to Squam. She is selling prints and all the money for her prints will go towards her trip. I thought it was a great idea because it gave people more of a purpose with purchasing her art and they would feel like they are contributing to something bigger.

So folks, with all of that said...I am staring a Thea Squam Fund. I will be posting items in my sidebar for sale. All of the monies from these items will go towards my dream to attend Squam. To be with my girls and hopefully meet some of you. I just can't sit back and wish this idea into being...I am putting forth a larger effort to get me there and help manifest more healing things in my life.

For Sale:
~ The Eye action set $ 15
It contains the following two actions and texture image.

1. A separate rounded corners action that can be used to make 150 px rounded corners on any image 5000x5000 pixels or less. An 8x12 at 300dpi is 2400x3600 so all of your photos are probably under the size limit.

2. A Collage action to produce the above sample collage (with your own photo) using any size image of your own.

3. A 8x12 300dpi jpeg of the following texture to be used in the collage or any other photo project.

~ The Eye Collage Print $30

An 8x10 matted and signed Peek print (this is a photo I took of my friend Deni's gorgeous eyes when she came to visit this Spring).

2008-07-01T10:19:00.009-04:00

I have been swirling in my nicotine withrawal spacey head. I keep meaning to post and then there seems to be too much to say. Too much concentration required. LOL. So a bit of a rambling post.......

I am working on fine tuning my portrait offerings. I am finding it all sooooo fun!!!! I created this order yesterday. It turned out so lovely.

I am listening to a podcast about the poetry of Rumi. Can I say how silly I feel that I have been very slow on getting keyed into podcasts. What a great thing to listen to while doing computer work. The Ecstatic Faith of Rumi (December 13, 2007) 53:00 12/12/2007 Fatemeh Keshavarz brings Rumi's exuberant poetry to life

Quotes that I had to rewind and write down as they are so key for me right now:

"Wherever you are, whatever you do be in love"

A quote that made me think of my closest friendships

"when pain arrives side by side with your love, I promise not to flee"

and for Deni specifically: "your charm has taught me the way of love"

and from the podcast: Love allows you to feel the pain and still go forth. Steadfastness supported by love.

I am working on getting my business info organized. I have a big goal to manifest: paying off all of my business investments in time to be able to go to Squam. To do this I need to use my time wisely. Organization is key in being efficient. I am investing today and tomorrow while my son is at camp to get this aspect set. I just downloaded Blinkbidpro4 for a free trial. It looks interesting.

I also am looking for a link I stumbled upon the other day and now cannot find:) But in sitting to look for it, I have found a lot of other yummy things by looking through all my favorites.

A friend of mine asked me if I knew of any nice summery bags on etsy. She feels a bit overwhelmed when searching etsy. This is a downside for those unfamiliar and many of us that are somewhat familiar:)

I have a Tracy Joy camera bag that I love.

I love Amy Butler fabrics-especially for summer. I love these bags:

Biddie Birdie Tote by Simplesweetcakes

Sweet purse by Freshlypicked

Hipster bag by Clutterbag

Bag 131 by Cottoncandyboutique Peony pleated bag by atouchofstardustok I could browse for bags all day. hee hee. I need to move on to work.

2008-06-22T12:05:00.004-04:00

As I work my way through Jessie's posts that I missed, my mind shouts wonderful things and then my eyes rested on this quote-another moving and life affirming quote from Eleonore Roosevelt that I will now carry with me thanks to Jessie.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." ~Eleanore Roosevelt

and then these quotes from her next post I caught up on.....

"Here's some James Aurthur Ray quotes that have resonated with me (not to mention, they'd make good fortune cookie or Yogi tea quotes):
"It's already created. You just have to align with it" (53).
"Be the success you seek" (68).
"To have more you must be more. If your intention is big enough, then you must grow to meet the size if that idea" (66).
"It was Einstein who so wisely stated that we can't find the solutions to our problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems"(82).
"Take yourself and your desires seriously and live your values" (72).And my favorite:
"Don't wish for an easier life. Wish to be at your finest" (63"

2008-06-22T10:11:00.003-04:00

After my miscarriage this March it seemed that all the grief from losing my mother 5 yrs ago and all my numerous miscarriages since compounded into this big mound. I couldn't seem to look at it, or give it any acknowledgement. I didn't want to fall hard like the March before when we miscarried at 13 weeks.

So I did what is easiest for me. I started a new project: portrait photography with gusto. Full on attention and near obsession to keep my mind so busy it couldn't possibly settle on the grief in my heart.

Now this coping mechanism a major flaw: it is impossible to keep up nonstop 24/7. I needed something to fill the gap-something that was mundane and easy to do when my brain was exhausted. I stupidly and idiotically picked up smoking. Yes my mother died of lung cancer. Yes it seems the stupidest most idiotic thing. My silly rationale-which really is not rationale is that she stopped smoking 20 years before being diagnosed. That she got the type of lung cancer that is less linked to smoking. That because I smoked from age 14-26 the damage is already done. Wow writing it out-so silly. No sense at all.

Also smoking was a way to punish myself-or to affirm that I am a failure-it was a logical reason to pull away from my husband physically. Less hugs and kisses that may reveal my disgusting habit.

In retrospect I see that all I wanted to do was block myself off from receiving love-I felt unworthy. I felt terribly flawed for miscarrying a second time for a random reason, when there are so many established risks related to me already and that were the cause of all my other miscarriages.

There is something about being a failure at this fundamental biological womanly task that rocks my core, and taps into all my insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.

I often don't see the logic or can comfort myself with rational thoughts, but it doesn't take away the inside pain that rests beneath the surface.

Blogging love and support also was blocked out by my consuming task master grief brain. Every spare moment was spent on portriat photography.

So what happened to bring me to this post? To writing about this now?

I can't point to one thing. I think it was a combo of a few things:

~ self awareness that I can change my thoughts and how I perceive things. That my happiness is linked to gratitude and my thoughts.

~ because I have been open to and have nurtured connections with family and friends, I miss it when I block some of them out.

~ because I have started to see my own worthiness the past few years it feels less right when I go back to feeling unworthy. This often leaves me in a weird middle place but it is better than staying in unworthiness.

~ because I have seen others lift themselves out of this place I have strong and forever nagging :) reminders that I do not have to stay here.

~ because many of my loving nurturing friends are also parents to my sons friends I have been unable to completely block myself off, thereby leaving a perfect bridge back. Having a friend help me see that I was completely consumed with photography-and that she missed talking about other things.

~ Having a husband who found a cig butt-respond with frustration and love instead of condescention, reprimands and misunderstanding.

~ Having a friend share her own courageous moves to being more connected.

~ Seeing my sister in law on her steady path to better health

and truly the list could go on and on.

So this am I ventured back ....and started to open up my heart again to all the beautiful souls I have found in blogland.

I am on day three of being smoke free.

My husband said I may want to try journaling to get through the quitting urges-then I read a post from Jessie about (Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo).

So maybe journaling here and on paper is a good way to work through this. I know it is definitely going to be better to pick up a pen than a cigarette.

So I am curious if any of you have : a) been hypnotized to quit something b) used journaling to work through something after long resisting journaling c) have any tips on how you resisted picking up cigarettes again after quitting.

Falling Slowly

2008-06-19T07:07:00.003-04:00

I can't describe the hope that I feel watching Barack Obama speak. I have never felt so inspired by a political figure. Somehow he has ignited in me a fire to try to make a difference and an excitement for politics. I have often felt frustrated with issues I read in the newspaper, and until recently felt a sense of powerlessness, that nothing I could do would really make a difference.

Almost every evening I watch evening news programs on cnn, msnbc or fox. I am interested in knowing about what both the left and right are saying.

His campaign is the first I have ever donated to, twice. And this is the first time I have wanted to volunteer for a candidate.

This morning I got an email from my sister in law that made me beam, clap and do a dance. Here is a bit of it (M I just had to post it it made me so giddy)

"The concert was incredible and fun - the band and music were terrific. But the highlight of the night was when, during the song "Falling Slowly" (the one that won the Oscar for Best Song), Glen Hansard screwed up a lyric and kind of laughed it off, walking around the stage for a moment to re-group. Then he apologized and said something like, "I lost my focus because I got to thinking about how this song is particularly meaningful this evening. We have a special guest in the audience tonight, and I'd like to dedicate this song to him, and ask all of you to sing along. Barack Obama is here with us tonight, and I hope he gets the chance to take this sinking boat and make a change."

The crowd went crazy. We couldn't see him, because he was up in the balcony and we were on the floor, under the overhang. We had noticed tons of security earlier in the concert hall and thought it was a little strange, given the nature of the crowd/concert.

So then they finished up the song, and everyone sang along to the lyrics:"

"Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time.

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now."

This is a post from Obama's site blog:

Raise your hopeful voice
By IA for Obama ☮ - Feb 26th, 2008 at 9:52 am EST
Also listed in: Irish and Irish Americans For Obama | Irish for Obama
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If you watched the Oscars you may remember a young woman, Markéta Irglová, who came back out after a commercial break to give her acceptance speech for her song, Falling Slowly. She spoke about how HOPE connects us all. The movie, "Once," holds a special place in my heart, as my uncle produced it, but it stands out for its singular beauty and inspiring message. It was made by people who didn't have much else besides HOPE and talent. Below is Markéta's speech, the lyrics for the song (written by Markéta's partner), and links to their video, their speeches, and their perfomance. I hope you enjoy it, and that it inspires you as well while you raise your hopeful voice.

Yes. We. Can.

Markéta: "Hi everyone. I just want to thank you so much. This is such a big deal, not only for us, but for all other independent musicians and artists that spend most of their time struggling, and this, the fact that we're standing here tonight, the fact that we're able to hold this, it's just to prove no matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don't give up. And this song was written from a perspective of hope, and hope at the end of the day connects us all, no matter how different we are. And so thank you so much, who helped us along way. Thank you."

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics
I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

video with clips from film

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoSL_qayMCc

video of their Oscar perfomance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7Haa2r7ujg

Oscar acceptance speeches

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pe5ybN3eh-A

How to shrink yourself in ps and how to get screen shots in PS

2008-06-14T09:42:00.005-04:00

So I have often seen people look super skinny in photos when in fact in real life they are slightly larger.

I always was curious about this trick-especially since I am still 10 pounds heavier than my old "oh geez-I better clean up my eating this minute i can't believe i weigh this much" weight.

Well folks after watching a few you tube videos and playing around, I think I may have figured it out.

Do you want to see?

Now this is also helpful when you get a bad angle of one person and you want to make them look like they really do in person. This is what I did with this prom pic.

Ok I just searched and searched online to find out how to get a screen shot. As usual, I found a few little tips but had to play around and explore ps to figure it out. Play folks. Always play around in PS. You will learn so much more this way. By the way-to get a screen shot in PS fill your work space in PS with the image you are working on. Then press the print screen button. Now go to File>New and just let it be the size it says. This will be the size of your work space. Now go to Edit>Paste and the screen shot will paste right into the new document. Then save for web. Viola!

Ok, once again I now see I did a few things in weird order but I don't have time to go do it over.:

Open the photo you want to work on. make sure you are in brush mode-with 100 percent opacity. With this one I used a soft brush which means when you click on the brush drop down menu-the hardness is all the way down. This blurs the outline. You may want to try this with hard and soft brushes. I had some weird lines left behind in this process that may have not been there if I used a harder brush.

Now go to the quick mask icon (circled here in red) and paint over the area you want to pull in or pull out:)

I have been including the surrounding area as well a bit. I think this lessens marks being left behind as long as you don't move the outer lines when selected. You will see. Ok now when you have the area painted- go back to the mask icon and click it again. You should now have marching ants around the outside of the image and the area you painted. Go to Select>inverse Now the ants should just be around the area you painted.
Now you need to duplicate the background layer. You could have done this in the beginning as well. just be sure that you are working on the background copy.

Ok now go up to edit>transform>warp

You should get this grid over the selected area.
Ok now you will use your mouse to pull parts in. pay attention to the boundaries carefully-that they match up with the unselected parts.

So for this photo I made sure to pick the cheek and neck to pull both in a teeny bit.
Then I made a selection of both arms including the outer waist on both sides up to the top of shoulders and including the right side of her neck. In that next one I had a remnant of her arm left behind on his suit so I went back when done. I clicked on the dropper tool-to click on his suit for the right color. Then I used a small strong briush to paint over the remnant.

What do you think?

Magic

2008-06-11T11:45:00.002-04:00

I started a business blog with the intent of keeping this blog for more personal things and then posting about business there. The one conflict I am having is that my portrait clients will be visiting that blog and something felt weird about posting this there.

I found these awesome actions-absolutely perfect for portraits

Here is one sample of what they do. Mind you he didn't have bad skin but it gives you a great idea.I used mcp touch of light and dark to lighten around his eyes and to darken their clothes.

Then I used the healing brush for the few imperfections in his skin that were more obvious. Then I used mcp magic foundation and mcp eye dr. I also made other adjustments in between of my own.

oh and for eye glass glare I found these two tutorials. I still have a lot of practice to do on it but it may be an issue I need to master.

2008-06-09T10:57:00.001-04:00

It is going to be 95 here today and our air conditioner is broken. I am never good in the heat. I get pretty crabby and quiet.

Is it hot where you are? How do you fare in this weather?

Tutorial

2008-06-06T10:56:00.003-04:00

I have to go pick my son up from school, so I will be back to write more later.

Just wanted to let you know I finally got the tutorial on how to make resin photo jewelry and my supply list up for sale.

I am also going to hold a raffle this coming Wed for a free tutorial. To enter the raffle you just need to mention my tutorial in a post on your blog and include a photo of one of my pendants with the mention. leave me a note or send me an email with a link to the post to thea@theacoughlin.com and you will be entered in the raffle to be drawn at midnight Wed. June 11th.

2008-05-27T18:45:00.003-04:00

Originally uploaded by EDEN PHOTOGRAPHY

Isn't this photo amazing? I am a bit biased since it does include my necklace-but the layout and the colors-I think it is so divine.

I sent this necklace with her photo (she gave me permission and sent me the file) to Eden as a thank you for her interview. When I saw this photo on her stream I just fell in love.

Oh how I wish she would be my product photographer. That sounds strange being a photographer, but I am so in love with this photo.

We just got back from visiting family in Chicago. It was super fun.

My sister in law and I had an all girls afternoon and evening Saturday, when the guys took the kids to a White Sox game.

We spent a ton of time in Sephora trying on make up. I love the mirrors they have all over the store with make up remover, swabs, etc. I swear I must have put on and then removed my eye makeup at least 6 times. LOL.

We also went to Anthropologie. We don't have one here in Albany so it is super fun-and depressing at the same time, in that I cannot buy all the clothes I want at once.hee hee.

I saw this really cute hat that I wanted to buy but decided on this skirt instead.

After shopping we went to Bin 36She took me there last year and I have been longing to go back again ever since. They have a divine wine and cheese menu, and offer flights-where you get a number of small bits of cheeses, and wine. My wine flight was called sexy reds. Yumji! The food there is just amazing. If you live in Chicago or ever visit, and you love wine and cheese-you must go there.

This morning when we got to the airport, I realized that in my morning stupor (induced by sleeping with a 3 yr old for 4 nights in a single bed that seemed to be surrounded by special super binky gravity that sucked his binky repeatedly to the floor throughout each night-leaving me hanging off the bed at various angles-while cursing because i couldn't find the freakin thing.)

I had wrongly assumed my husband had grabbed my camera bag. So my beloved was left behind at my sil house. Thank goodness she will be sending it out tomorrow in the mail, but it is still a bit tough to accept being without my camera and without the photos I took while there. I guess it will allow me to spend the next few days getting some closets and bins cleaned out in prep for a garage sale I am going to have soon.

How was your weekend?

2008-05-20T10:18:00.002-04:00

Want to share two great recipes with all of you.

The best play dough recipe from my aunt Sondra. My son has absolutely flipped over it's soft texture 9like no other I have touched in play dough) and I flipped over the ease of making it and how non sticky it is.

In a pot on low-med combine and stir constantly until it pulls away from the edges of the pan:

3c flour
1 1/2 c salt
4tbs veg oil
2tb cream of tarter
3c water

when pulls away from pan and is no longer sticky plop out on the counter and knead a bit. Be careful may be a bit warm.

This next recipe is from my sister in law. This cake is so easy-and a great thing to bring to any party. It goes quick-it is moist and just sweet enough. Yumji!

Best moist orange cake:

1 yellow cake mix (any kind)
4 eggs
3/4 c vegetable oil
3/4c orange juice
1 package instant lemon pudding mix

Preheat oven to 350. Butter and Flour bundt pan (I use non stick pan instead). Mix all ingrediants until well combined, about 5 minutes. Pour batter in the pan. Bake 45 minutes and then check. If cake springs back to the touch, it's done.

The only frosting needed is a little bit of powdered sugar.

2008-05-18T19:06:00.000-04:00

Not sure if that is the correct spelling of superheroes.hee hee

This is my soul sister Genine's gorgeous daughter Keira yesterday wearing my well loved superhero necklace Joy.

I have been wearing this necklace everyday. I absolutely love it and feel so much like a superhero when I wear it.

Each time I see Keira she wants to wear it. Wouldn't it be great if there were superhero kids necklaces?

I have been feeling a bit in need for some superhero powers lately. My emotions seem a bit raw as I venture into this new aspect of my business, of portrait work.

My friend Genine started portrait work as a side business around the time I started my etsy store. Having her support and encouragement to pursue my own portrait business has been amazing. I have been lucky to have the support of so many of you for a long while....with many of you being photographers as well. But there is something so beautiful and amazing about having someone you live near, someone who your client bases very well may overlap, support you that is life changing for me.

It has brought a lot of feelings to the surface and has made me want to look at my own ability to share and be supportive, without allowing my ego to get in the way.

To constantly remind myself that there is more than plenty to go around for all of us. That each artist is unique and something special to offer, even if they try the same techniques.

I am really embracing this idea that we all can be superheroes-we all can be rock stars. We can bring out the thunder in each other without it taking away from our own.

No one can steal your mojo or your thunder. What they can do however is find their own through you sharing yours.

So I blogged on my business blog some fabulous links and an invitation to share what I know with anyone who is interested.

The only restriction is my time and memory. Sometimes I do 20 million different things and forget each step , but I will do my best to remember.

I want to help others find their thunder the way my friends have helped me find mine.

A Mothers Day Note.......

2008-05-10T15:35:00.003-04:00

I wrote this in an email for my friend Deni this morning. As I read it later I thought of all the other women in blog land that know of her, know of her journey and mine too. Parts of this note applies to all women who traverse the path to become fertile both physically and spiritually.

So I thought I would share this note here-to let the love spread to all who read it.

The second half of the note is also with so many of you in mind that I have grown close to. It is especially relevant to my darling sweet soul sister Genine, who has been my rock, both to lean on and to boost me in so many ways.

Mothers day this year feels like a day to honor the women in my life who in turn honor my mother day after day, by supporting and loving me through thick and thin.

.........with mothers day approaching, I am thinking of you and meeting you in our tender friendship place to hold your hand. To arch our backs and look to the sky-thanking the universe for all the gifts that have come along with our struggles. To bend and kiss the earth that has supported our weary feet as we have treaded sometimes oh so very slowly in what feels often feels like an emotional minefield. Hugging you toe to toe, breast to breast, forehead to forehead. To look into one anothers faces and eyes, to acknowledge the strength and wisdom we have worked so hard for.

I want to tell you that your most recent blog posts are absolutely life changing for me. The strength, comfort and peace you have found within yourself on this journey affects me irreversibly. There is something so powerful about our connection, somehow your process truly seems to bring me inner wisdom and affirmation like no other. Your voice, your being just keeps getting stronger and more amazing.

I love that I have you in my life-you are so much to me my love. So very much.

I am proud of you beyond measure. All the things you do on your life journey create a lovely beautiful aura and place that attracts such goodness and love.

So many artists are going to be blessed by having you be part of their inner and outer creative journey.

Thank you for helping me; see my beauty in light; remembering that I am powerful; reminding me how the law of attraction works by working it; and most of all giving me the security and love of your tender friendship.

It is one of the best gifts I have ever received.

I love you and bow to you my beautiful friend

2008-05-09T09:44:00.008-04:00

Just dropped my boy off at school and thought I would get some of my updates up here before I start editing again.

Two weekends ago we went up to Saratoga for the 3rd Annual Adirondack Sports & Fitness Summer Expo.

They had a photobooth from www.saratogaphotobooth.com set up as a demo, where you could get FREE photos! It was so fun and I took full advantage:) I wanted a photo for my website of me with my camera so I used this as my chance. How cool to be able to rent one of these for a party! Oh and I was a bit worried about how I would look since I didn't plan on getting photos taken. The great thing is that is slightly overexposes-which is great for wrinkles:) Truly-I notice that I lean toward overexposing my portrait photos, and with all the editing I have been doing I have realized that the light fills out imperfections in the skin. I would like to say I new this and did it on purpose, but it was a chance discovery. I have a bit of shaky hand syndrome so I often have my aperture as open as I can -often at the lowest setting so that the shutter speed can be as fast as possible-eliminating some of the blur from hand shake.

This next photo my husband took last night after dinner when i was checking out the dancing with your inner child you tube video Deni linked to on her blog. I look a bit pissed off-but it really that I am nearsighted and didn't have my glasses on. Actually I was a bit annoyed since my son kept coming up under my arm to see too. I love him dearly but in the evening after dinner and a long day of being attentive to his 3 yr old needs and discussions I look forward to my husband taking over. Sometimes my son will get a kick out of being under my arms so to speak when I finally get on the computer at night and am no longer paying full attention to him. He is also encouraged when my husband gets a kick out of my slight annoyance and decides to take photos of it. My son is a real ham.

Speaking of cameras-I splurged and bought myself a new canon 40d and an 85mm canon lens a few weeks ago. The quality-is really really an upgrade from the rebel in terms of noise. The blotchy grain you get when your ISO is higher to compensate for lower light. The noise is nice to some degree in my fine art photographs but not so great when taking portraits. I did purchase noise ninja which is an amazing tool but it adds an extra step to editing and sometimes takes too much away from the photo, in terms of skin texture-especially with people who have freckles or with men with any type of beard scruff.

I have made big financial investments in my photography so this is a big part of why I have been so consumed trying to get my portrait business up and going. I have to pay off my camera and all the other investments I have made! All of the shoots I have done so far have been portfolio building=free sitting fees. Luckily it is starting to shift to paid shoots but I still have to get all the galleries up for the portfolio building models, and editing a bunch of photos at once is a lot different than editing a flower photo here and there. I have been exploring a lot about batch processing in photoshop. I really want to share all I have learned but I have to wait for a bit of free time, but I will get to it and share what I have learned.

With all this editing I have been focusing alot on balancing my time, being a good mom and wife at the same time.

My day goes something like this:

7:00 my husband wakes up and my son does soon after.
8:00 I crawl out of bed go downstairs and eat breakfast with my son on the couch and watch cartoons with him.
8:30- my husband gets ready to leave the house and my son and I get dressed brush our teeth etc.
9:00-9:30 I check in with my friends on the phone-see what the plans are for the day for them and us. Wed, Thur and Fri my son goes to school at 9:15. Monday and Tuesday we meet friends for playdates at around 10:00.
10:00-11:50 on school days I get home and start editing and doing business stuff
11:50-pack a snack to bring with me when picking up my son from school.
12:00-1:00 either run errands or wrap up from playdates.
1:00- get home play a bit and then put my son down for a nap.
1:30-3:30- often my son naps and I clean up the kitchen and house a bit. Do Do more business stuff, get dinner started.
3:30-my son gets up we have snack and then play either outside or go to see friends.
5:30 my son watches a show while I get dinner set.
6:00-6:30 my husband gets home we have dinner and play with my son.
7:00-7:30 my husband takes my son-I check email and then clean up from dinner. Or if I have a shoot it is usually around this time.
7:30-8:00 I do some computer stuff
8:00-8:30 spend time with husband and then off to bed at around 10 or 11. I am pooped.

hmm speaking of schedules ....I need to get to editing.

Stretched

2008-05-05T09:01:00.002-04:00

I feel stretched lately. I just finished this girls gallery. I learned so much about proofing doing this gallery. I also taught myself last night, how to make a new logo. I poured over my photoshop book and cursed a lot but finally got it. I plan on putting up a tutorial on my business blog on how I did it. I will post here when it is up.

I miss my blogging family! I hope to be around a bit more as soon as I get the next 4 galleries finished. Hopefully it will go faster now that I have learned how to batch process images.

I feel a bit lonely in my self contained bubble of editing. I have been working hard at being present with my son when he is awake and then using nap time efficiently. In the evenings I shut down the computer and hang out with my husband, except for tennis nights-like last night, when my husband goes and plays.

Ok off to a mothers tea at my sons school. More soon.........

2008-04-30T12:01:00.002-04:00

I am still here. It has been an intense week and a half for me.

I finally posted the tutorial over on my business blog.

I took on way too much-felt crazy and overwhelmed, but then looked at things as objectively as i could and decided to clear my plate a bit by going on "vacation" from my two etsy stores, while I get my portrait business stuff in line and organized better.

I have a lot to share about this process so I will be back soon to write more.

Just wanted to peek in and say hi.

New Website

2008-04-24T16:14:00.003-04:00

My new website is up. I wanted to get it up so a client could see their proof gallery.

I still have more to add. My wonderful sister in law is helping me with my about page, so that will be updated soon. I am the queen of run on sentences.LOL.

man I am beat....

Comfort

2008-04-24T13:38:00.003-04:00

I am editing like a mad woman for my website and feel completely isolated....good but a bit isolated.

This photograph instantly made me think of the song Comfort by Deb Talan. I have included the lyrics below. I heard Deb wrote the song for her friends that were having babies. Now some years later she has had her own!

***oh and I have a little tip I learned about making layers work that I am going to go post on my business blog right now....*****

Comfort by Deb Talan

When everyone has gone to sleep and you are wide awake
there's no one left to tell your troubles to.
Just an hour ago, you listened to their voices
lilting like a river over underground
and the light from downstairs came up soft like daybreak
dimly as the heartache of a lonely child.

If you can't remember a better time
you can have mine, little one.
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort wherever you can.

And oh, it's a strange place.
And oh, everyone with a different face
but just like you thought when you stopped here to linger
we're only as separate as your little fingers.

So cry, why not? we all do
then turn to one you love
and smile a smile that lights up all the room.
Follow your dreams in through every out-door
it seems that's what we're here for.

And when you can't remember a better time
you can have mine, little one.
In days to come when your heart feels undone
may you always find an open hand
and take comfort, there is comfort.
Take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can.

2008-04-23T09:43:00.004-04:00

My son is back to school today. I have three un interupted hours to work while listening to the new Weepies albumwhich totally rocks:) and burning yummy Nag Champa incense from my lovely soul sister Deni.

I emailed one of the photographers I admire (Eden from Eden Photography) some questions about her photography and she answered them all! I posted the questions and answers up on my business blog.

2008-04-22T15:51:00.006-04:00

I am feeling pretty delicate today. Actually for the past few days/week.

It began with catching up and reading posts over at Maddie's blog and feeling envy that her life seems so filled with magic and beauty. Part of me felt less than those things as I savoured her words, her poems, her photographs. The thought to turn away from this beauty, as if not knowing it would make me feel better, came up for me. But then it seemed to slap me in the face-this choice to turn away from something beautiful so I wouldn't feel so plain. Then I thought a bit more, and realized I could choose to be inspired instead. What I love so much about her is her perspective, that she treats herself to beautiful treats, she captures wonderful moments, she delights in pretty treasures. All things I admire and love about my darling Deni, who I know better, and who through our common fertility journey has shared her process and how she rises above the tears and sadness. So I realized that maybe by shifting my perspective I could bring some more of that magic to my own life. Maybe being conscious to find those things every day in my life would bring me light and joy. And they did, and now I find myself checking in for new posts by Maddie regularly as they have become another one of my beautiful magical reminders to look at the beauty around me.

Since I am being honest I will add that I also sometimes have felt envious or less than when reading Kelly Rae's blog because she is such a success, and beautiful, and lives in such a cute home, and has such a cute studio:) . Once again, I don't know Kelly very well outside her blog. I try to remind myself then as well, that she is human too, and that she works at being courageous and just keeps going forward (she also shares parts of her process on her blog). That what she has, she has created. I decide to allow these qualities to inspire me rather than fester, but sometimes it is a bit of a challenge.

So I had a good rush of great things happen as I started doing the feeling affirmations and taking risky-scary steps. An example -I thought of an idea to propose to Somerset studios and so I emailed the editor and asked if they would be interested. I was terrified but I did it. I got a quick reply that they would:)

I also was encouraged by my frister Genine to dabble in high school school senior portrait photography. At first I thought-who the heck can I get to model so I can build a portfolio? I kept imagining my successful portrait business, with this question in the back of my mind. I just chose not to listen to the doubts without countering them with good thoughts. In a day or so I started to think of all these teenagers. I contacted them and got all of the 5 lined up and scheduled for this week.

Then all of a sudden I started to feel a downward fear spiral, that I wrote about a two posts ago. Then I read a post by someone that I took personal, even though it may not have been about me. All of a sudden I had some evidence to support this deep rooted fear that when I sound happy, or spin things in a positive light, or use my blog to help me cherish the beauty and magic, that those I love will somehow be turned away by it. My "ego" or whatever you call it started rebelling and trying to theoretically pull me back. Now truly this has NOTHING to do with anyone else. It has to do with the fear that comes up for me when I am growing and changing.

So I have been moving steadily ahead, but my insecurities seem to be building with each step.

I want to be happy I want to savor and enjoy every beautiful thing.

Feeling the grief and sadness, which I feel like I did for the first two years blogging, was good and healing but it also began to feel stifling. I didn't like being around myself anymore. I was sick of being the sad one in my group of friends. The one to be sorry for. The one that had such bad luck.

It doesn't mean the pain is all gone, or that I am denying those things. What it means to me is that I have this one wild and crazy life. I want to look back on my life when I am dying and feel it was well lived. I sat with my mother - not too soon before her passing-and she looked at me and said she focused on the wrong things. The negative things-the things she couldn't control. The people who didn't or couldn't love her instead of the glorious things. This was a very very strong pivotal moment that always is in my mind when I feel tragically sad or disappointed. I want to focus on the right things, if that makes sense.

Yesterday I felt tragically sad. My Dr. office called and left a message on my cell phone, that the genetic results were in from our last miscarriage-less than two months ago. I called them back and the nurse tells me that the baby was a balanced girl-like me (this means she had my translocation ). They had so much tissue they are sure it was not my cells. She was genetically normal. Most of my miscarriages have been unbalanced. She would have grown normally-as she did the first 8 weeks, except her sac was defective and caused the loss.

This hit me much harder than I thought it would. So even though I had a senior portrait session in 2 hrs, I let myself cry. I called Genine (my husband was in an out of town meeting) and bawled and talked. I got off the phone and cried some more. But then I cleaned up and went on to my photo shoot. I allowed the joy of taking pictures to come. I felt lighter. On the way home I was tired and still felt the pain, but it was less.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that creating and appreciating goodness takes a lot of effort for me, but it is the only way I want to live this one wild and precious life I have been given. And when I am brave and do things that scare me, it seems easier to find good things, but the fear still comes, and sometimes it comes like a storm that feels burdensome and hard to escape. And there are some days like today, where I feel tired and super delicate.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver

From me to you....

2008-04-18T00:06:00.004-04:00

2008-04-16T19:41:00.002-04:00

When was the last time you picked or bought your inner rockstar a bouqet of flowers? Don't you think she deserves them?

Today I decided I would go browse the grocery store for a rose, or some tulips just because I so love having fresh flowers in my work space and none of the spring blooms are up yet. The tulips were $7.99, and I feel silly writing that I himmed and hawd a bit about spending the money. I had no intention of making a photo shoot out of the flowers, I just felt like it would be a nice thing to do for my inner Rockstar. I noticed I was weighing whether "she" was worth the $7.99.

So I walked around a bit, and then saw these sunny little bundles for just $1.99. I had to giggle at how I was given this other option. I must say the action of going to a store just to buy myself some flowers (and not a chocolate cake) as a reward for being brave, put a bounce in my step.

What a beautiful thing.

What was beautiful in your life today?

2008-04-16T12:51:00.003-04:00

Since blogger doesn't give me emails with comments (hardly ever) I am going to respond to comments in the comments. You all are rockin my world:)

2008-04-15T22:02:00.003-04:00

I watched The Secret
about 2 summers ago. That was my first introduction to the packaged notion of the law of attraction, that like attracts like. It is not a new idea or notion, I just somehow missed getting it clearly before watching this movie.

For about a month I had it on my ipod in the car and listened to it whenever I was driving, over and over.

Somehow I get a bit uncomfortable when I try to write about how much the law of attraction seems to work (at ;east for me and all my friends that have gave it a shot). So either it does or there are some super strange coincidences going on. Somehow I feel like I have stumbled on this strange treasure, that at first people don't believe. Sort of like I am in an episode of the twilight zone, and am the only one who believes it is real. I realized today that I write about it-or try to because I feel like I need some kind of help getting past the fear that comes up.

Often things start happening so fast that I get "very" scared and start putting out a "stop" vibe and things slow down.

This has happened today. The past week or so I have been spending at least 5 minutes pretty much every day (often first thing in the am while still in bed) feeling what it would feel like /as if I already have...the house, the relationships, the business etc that I want. And let me tell you things are happening and super fast, and I am getting super freaked out.

I really really want to keep moving forward. I am working really hard to keep the creating vibes but it is freaky.

Today I got this quote in a very deep way.......

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? Your are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

If there are any of you reading that have been here and moved with it please please email me or leave a comment. I will be calmly sipping tea and eating cookies in the mean time.

PS tutorial

2008-04-14T15:15:00.003-04:00

I posted my first tutorial over at my business blog. I am holding my breath for my super-man to give me corrections, but it was fun, and I did get a rounded corner that I was dying to figure out.

I am SURE that this is not the best way, so if anyone has tips to share PLEASE do:)