My show is up. It will be in the coffee shop for a month and then I move it up to the Saratoga Uncommon grounds for a month. I find myself sitting here crying because for the past few days every time I pick up my camera, or look at my photographs I think of my mom. I haven't talked about it a lot here, but my mother loved photography. She loved gardening and taking photographs of her flowers. All flowers actually. All through teh year she had fresh flowers in the house. I never thought I would be a photographer. I had no interest in it as an art form until after she passed away. My mother had dreams of having a gallery, for local artists (we lived in woodstock and my mother loved all forms of art), and her own photography. Yet she never really followed that dream past snapping hundreds of photos and putting them in small albums and buying so much local art it just gathered in piles in her basement because all her walls were full. One year I bought her a gift certificate to take a photography class, because she was always talking about wanting to learn more about her camera, but she never used it. There was always a reason-the house needed to be cleaner or her garden needed tending. It must have been some irrational fear or insecurity. I think of this and of her when I feel afraid to try. Sometimes it propels me through my own fears sometimes it just lingers in my thoughts like a hovering bird.
I have been so busy lately that I haven't consciously thought about this-but yesterday the hovering bird seemed to be calling to me to pay attention. Pay attention.
My mother said -especially at the end of her life-that I was her accomplishment. It angered me in some ways, she could bring up anger in me in so many ways at times. Not for any clear reason, but at the time, my personal issues seemed to come from her failings.
My accomplishments seemed to be such a battle to win, to transcend my current situation, was so tough, and I blamed her. I couldn't/didn't see that she taught me to fight and clamor. What she gave me was tough to discern at the time but is becoming clearer now. Her constant undying belief in me, her nagging and longing for me to "shine", to be present, to be aware. Her knowing so little (I thought from disinterest) about the details of my life, often aggravated me and made me feel belittled. Didn't she know how hard my life felt, how those details snagged me and made me stumble? And here I am now, grateful she didn't get wrapped up in the details, that she truly saw the light in me, believed in my spirit and my strength to be the best me-whatever that may look like in the details.
So as I hung my photographs last night, I felt her spirit with me. I felt this overpowering presence of her. I still can't make it all out clearly. But I must admit that I am a bit shocked to find myself here, having what I saw and captured through the lens up for display and for sale. Having it larger than life for the world to see.
My gremlins whisper in my ear-that there are so many more talented souls out there, who am I kidding, to expect this to go any further is a joke. As I hung these pieces, almost every person in the place last night gave my work genuine acknowledgement and praise. I almost had to sit down to clear my head, because there is a part of me that wants to hear these words-not the gremlins-a part that just wants to be encouraged.
I woke up this morning with a bad cold...I guess it shouldn't be a surprise with the stress I have been under the past few weeks with my life and my art.
So I am going to snuggle with my little one, rest, and then I will come back to process some details I need to work through about making this business more manageable.
Thanks for reading.....
****you can still buy from my etsy but I will be taking a bit of a break and will not be packing and sending packages ordered past midnight last night (Tues) until Dec 30th. It is a much much needed break.
This blogging thing is super amazing....if something is feeling heavy in my heart and then I write about it here, I walk away with a much lighter heart for just getting it out. Although I have a cold, I feel good and happy right now. Writing things out can be so therapeutic.******