I keep getting pulled to write a post but I just don't know how to say what is going on in my head.

I have had a chance to catch up on some blogs and so many of you are so eloquent, reflective and amazing.

I often have a tough time with New Years reflections. I think it is (especially this year) because my birthday is on the 4th and the reality of turning another year older puts even more pressure on me to reflect. I just feel a bit shell shocked. I am going to be turng 36. I look back at this past year and all the pain that was brought on last March when we lost Ocean, and how the rest of the year was about tears and mourning, trying to buck up, falling on my face, crying, trying to apply that energy toward creating, letting go of having infertility and trying to have a baby be my main focus, starting a business and then getting lost in said business, connecting with lovely people and then not tending to them properly because I was just trying to keep mving so I didn't drown in the sadness that just didn't seem to want to let go.

I feel a bit afraid. I know I want things to be different and I am determined to have them be so, yet often once I get swept up in the doing of things I lose perspective. This is keeping me back a bit. I am dipping my toes in the water so to speak, but I feel this knot in the pit of my stomach.

to be continued........