I keep getting pulled to write a post but I just don't know how to say what is going on in my head.

I have had a chance to catch up on some blogs and so many of you are so eloquent, reflective and amazing.

I often have a tough time with New Years reflections. I think it is (especially this year) because my birthday is on the 4th and the reality of turning another year older puts even more pressure on me to reflect. I just feel a bit shell shocked. I am going to be turng 36. I look back at this past year and all the pain that was brought on last March when we lost Ocean, and how the rest of the year was about tears and mourning, trying to buck up, falling on my face, crying, trying to apply that energy toward creating, letting go of having infertility and trying to have a baby be my main focus, starting a business and then getting lost in said business, connecting with lovely people and then not tending to them properly because I was just trying to keep mving so I didn't drown in the sadness that just didn't seem to want to let go.

I feel a bit afraid. I know I want things to be different and I am determined to have them be so, yet often once I get swept up in the doing of things I lose perspective. This is keeping me back a bit. I am dipping my toes in the water so to speak, but I feel this knot in the pit of my stomach.

to be continued........


Anonymous Anonymous said...

all you describe is so normal hon --- anytime change is involved ...it's scary ---hence why some people never do it!! lol
you are processing it, you are stepping into the waters ---- don't set yourself up for a "time frame" of sorts...just let it happen...give yourself a little mantra maybe to keep you focused..."I welcome the changes...with an open mind, and open heart...." 2008 is upon you,,, and so many wonderful things are just waiting to meet you!
xxoo genine

1/02/2008 3:10 PM  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

i'm wrapping my arms gently around you, sweetie...hoping you know how far you've come, how strong you are, what an incredible source of inspiration you have been to me this past year.
be gentle with yourself,
listen to your heart.
you are so very loved.

1/02/2008 3:30 PM  
Blogger kelly said...

oh my gosh....i know! some days i just feel like life is swirling around me, yet i can't seem to get to the core of it.

you had a rough year....but good things are coming. be true to yourself. that is the best we can do.

1/02/2008 3:33 PM  
Blogger Marilyn said...

I know we don't know each other (but know we have mutual blog-pals)...and I don't know what you've been through in the last 365...but as a fellow Cap (mine's on the 9th), I just wanted to say that this time of year for those of us who get slammed with the whole holiday expectations/birthday/another year older thing all at once can feel a bit much. That may or may not apply to what you're feeling. Please don't feel bad about turning 36...I'd give anything to be 36 again. ;) Sending you a big virtual hug...and a hopeful reminder to be gentle with yourself.

1/02/2008 4:04 PM  
Blogger kristen said...

i'm standing next to you friend, shoulder to shoulder. i'm fearful and yet i know that change needs to happen. much love. xoxo

1/02/2008 4:07 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

sending you many virtual hugs.

I love you sweetie!


1/02/2008 5:03 PM  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

Just be.

shall we do more of those gliding down the rainbow stuff looking what is in the big old pot of gold!? (and it is not gold!) Much more yummier things than gold! I'm with you...on top of the rainbow...holding your hand! xx

1/03/2008 6:04 PM  
Blogger caroline : my pocket said...

Me too! Here's to dipping our toes in the water together xoxo

1/07/2008 7:39 AM  

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