Getting ready for SQUAM

I can't believe the SQUAM workshops are in just over a week!

I am getting nervous and excited.

This weekend means so much to me in so many ways.

Having a chance to flit around as the event photographer is beyond magical. I keep having delightful dreams of all the beauty I will have a chance to capture.

Being with my darling garden friends - walking through nature arm in arm - giggling - laughing-dancing will be such a balm to my heart and soul.

Meeting new people and a bunch that I know through their blogs but have never had a chance to meet before. I have been so consumed with trying to get my portrait business up and running in an organized and professional manner, while having family vacations and lots of play time with my three year old before school starts again, that I haven't been reading the blogs I so love. For the past week I have almost reveled in the idea that I have no clue who is coming to SQUAM besides my friends who are teaching. This leaves a bit of lingering suspense in my heart as I know that many of the women who have touched my lives through their blogging, will be attending and I get all clap happy excited imagining that I will be meeting a slew of them in a little over a week.

A few bits of nervousness surface here and there as well. Insecurities about my weight, my hair, my wrinkles, my clothes surface here and there. I try to remind myself that these are so silly, but carrying these extra 10 pounds over my old "heavy" weight and all the aging that has occurred with the stress of my miscarriages, as well as the neglect that comes with me embracing each and every spare moment I have to work on my business- leaves me looking in the mirror and being a bit shocked at how the beauty I feel inside doesn't seem to reflect in my outward appearance. As I write this I wonder why I think appearance on the outside is the only way to communicate what is on the inside.

I do admit that I have found myself doing a double take when I catch my own eyes in the mirror. As I look closer for a moment I ask myself, has the color changed?- no- has the contrast changed?- no- maybe it is all the portraits I have been taking. The fact that I treasure being able to catch the glint, the sparkle, the soul in others eyes. So much so that i am started to see my own?

I have been a bit quiet here on my blog, because I find that my thoughts feel complicated and tough to write out. I worry about sounding too scattered, too flaky, too tough, too weak, too worried. When I am tasking on a project I go at it 100%. So much so that I often can become withdrawn-even from my husband and friends. I have been working really hard to be present with them lately. It has been taking a lot of my concentration-leaving my thoughts to float around in the waiting room of my mind, only to be attended to when I get a few moments alone. Then....well then they all seem to rush to the front of the line-climbing over each other.

Oh boy....I am so tempted to erase this, like so many previous posts. I wonder why I hate the idea of sounding so all over the place.
LOL

Anyway I thought I would share a few of the postcards I will be selling vendor night at SQUAM. I will be sharing a vendor table with my soul sister Denise on Saturday night.