Getting ready for SQUAM

I can't believe the SQUAM workshops are in just over a week!

I am getting nervous and excited.

This weekend means so much to me in so many ways.

Having a chance to flit around as the event photographer is beyond magical. I keep having delightful dreams of all the beauty I will have a chance to capture.

Being with my darling garden friends - walking through nature arm in arm - giggling - laughing-dancing will be such a balm to my heart and soul.

Meeting new people and a bunch that I know through their blogs but have never had a chance to meet before. I have been so consumed with trying to get my portrait business up and running in an organized and professional manner, while having family vacations and lots of play time with my three year old before school starts again, that I haven't been reading the blogs I so love. For the past week I have almost reveled in the idea that I have no clue who is coming to SQUAM besides my friends who are teaching. This leaves a bit of lingering suspense in my heart as I know that many of the women who have touched my lives through their blogging, will be attending and I get all clap happy excited imagining that I will be meeting a slew of them in a little over a week.

A few bits of nervousness surface here and there as well. Insecurities about my weight, my hair, my wrinkles, my clothes surface here and there. I try to remind myself that these are so silly, but carrying these extra 10 pounds over my old "heavy" weight and all the aging that has occurred with the stress of my miscarriages, as well as the neglect that comes with me embracing each and every spare moment I have to work on my business- leaves me looking in the mirror and being a bit shocked at how the beauty I feel inside doesn't seem to reflect in my outward appearance. As I write this I wonder why I think appearance on the outside is the only way to communicate what is on the inside.

I do admit that I have found myself doing a double take when I catch my own eyes in the mirror. As I look closer for a moment I ask myself, has the color changed?- no- has the contrast changed?- no- maybe it is all the portraits I have been taking. The fact that I treasure being able to catch the glint, the sparkle, the soul in others eyes. So much so that i am started to see my own?

I have been a bit quiet here on my blog, because I find that my thoughts feel complicated and tough to write out. I worry about sounding too scattered, too flaky, too tough, too weak, too worried. When I am tasking on a project I go at it 100%. So much so that I often can become withdrawn-even from my husband and friends. I have been working really hard to be present with them lately. It has been taking a lot of my concentration-leaving my thoughts to float around in the waiting room of my mind, only to be attended to when I get a few moments alone. Then....well then they all seem to rush to the front of the line-climbing over each other.

Oh boy....I am so tempted to erase this, like so many previous posts. I wonder why I hate the idea of sounding so all over the place.

Anyway I thought I would share a few of the postcards I will be selling vendor night at SQUAM. I will be sharing a vendor table with my soul sister Denise on Saturday night.


Blogger kristen said...

i know that what makes you beautiful dear thea, is what's on the inside.

and i also know that there isn't a single woman going, who hasn't had the same thoughts about how she looks, what to wear and the other fleeting insecurities that come from meeting people for the first time.

if you could see inside me right now, you'd understand why my face is breaking out, lol. i just hope they're gone by next week.

i'm thrilled that i'll finally get to meet you. xo

9/01/2008 12:09 PM  
Blogger kristen said...

and i forgot to say how much i love your postcards, esp. the rockstar girl.

9/01/2008 12:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

these postcards are fabulous thea!

you're going to have such a great time! enjoy it!!!!

g xxoo

9/01/2008 2:44 PM  
Blogger jenica said...

amen and amen. but i do think that we're harder on ourselves than anyone else could dream of being. i can't wait to see you there!

y'know what i think will be cool, will be the amount of women wearing one another's jewelry and pendants. i know i'll be wearing some of yours. ;-D


9/01/2008 6:19 PM  
Anonymous nikole said...

It's so good to hear your voice. I hope you have a wonderful time and that the love and connection you feel with all of those kindred spirits is a healing tonic for your heart and soul.

You are a gorgeous, stunning woman. The light of your spirit radiates warm sunshine on all those around you. I've never met you in person, but I feel certain that this is true.

Thank you for sharing your messiness with the world. It truly is a gift.

9/01/2008 7:37 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Oh the jealousy!
What a wonderful, beautiful week of growth it will be!

9/03/2008 10:13 PM  
Anonymous misty said...

i cannot wait to meet you dear one....and if it makes you feel any better...i have all the same insecurities. :-)

9/04/2008 12:27 AM  
Blogger the camp said...

totally get the insecurities....
i can't wait to meet up with you next week!

9/04/2008 7:44 AM  

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