November is here, and like each year since my mother passed (7years ago this past March) as her birthday approaches (nov 21) and the days get shorter, I feel sadness rising inside like smoke from a smothered fire.

It amazes me that the sadness and ache can be so strong.

My closest friend from childhood, called this week to tell me that her mother just told her they found a white spot on her chest xray. I feel all tumbly inside. can't even make sense of the feelings.

Some resentment comes up for me too, towards myself, about how much I took for granted my mothers motherly, unconditional love. Although limited in some ways by her personality- her interest in me, interest on a level that only a mother could have for her child was such a gift. What a treasure, a mother's love. The knowing that someone loves you more than anything, and wants what is best for you more than anyone. It feels so petty and selfish to want such things, but I do.

I am so missing her...