Today has been a strange day. Today I see how I could be considered strange.

We have been watching the new show "tell me you love me" on HBO this season. There is a woman on the show that struggled getting pregnant. She didn't tell people about it-she kept it to herself. I am quite different than this. I am a very open person-I have tried to learn to contain it in appropriate situations. I am the woman in the fertility office waiting room that strikes up conversations-if you have ever been to a fertility clinic this isn't common. I usually would begin by opening up first.

I wear my emotions on my face. It is torture for me to try to put a face on to people I interact with every day. I feel blessed to have very deep friendships with people both in person and online who get me and accept this about me.

So many women will wait for 12 weeks-my friend who miscarried twice didn't tell her mother she was pregnant until she was 15 weeks. I completely understand the reasoning and protectiveness that goes along with that. I am different. One of my dearest friends will sometimes complain to me about people who readily complain to associates at her work. I always remind her I am that way too. Somehow she can deal with it from me.

So when I get a slight positive on a pregnancy test-the first thing I do is get on the phone. I am a talker. I need to talk things through over and over. I talked to 7 people on the phone about it yesterday and then emailed a bunch more. When my husband got home - he asked me who I told and I replied "everyone". He said did you blog about it. I said no not yet:)

So when I spoke to some of the people I told on the phone today-I noticed that even though they are so close to me-and know me well-they didn't know what to say about the test being negative. I found it so endearing. I mean I have been calling these people about most of the steps in this 5 year journey of focusing on trying to have a baby. It is almost unbelievable-even to me that I could be "ONE OF THEM= someone who gets pregnant by accident-who didn't want to be pregnant". So most of them said "I don't know what to say" and I realized that maybe some of you-my internet buddies feel the same way.

I didn't explain much in the post-mostly because I am so exhausted from doing little business things with every spare moment I have. I am trying to pull back but the drive is so strong.

I love playing with my son, and cooking, and oh so much, but I am running the clock.

I am stretched. Self inflicted, yes, but stretched to the max. Is it good? I don't know-I don't think it is the best, though it is helping me let go of trying to have a baby. It gives me a reason to stop trying so damn hard to do what is biologically normal/expected. It allows me to start feeling productive and fertile again. It is helping erase the years of drain that fertility inflicted upon me. I am a tough boss-I am trying to prove to myself that I am worthy of self love-self acceptance. That I can possibly not go back to teaching and stay home with my son-even if I don't have another baby. The trick-the issue-the challenge, is that at the rate I am pushing is too hard and I desperately need to slow down a little. I am just not sure if I can. The loss in March really really did me in. I am pretty relilient but it came close to being the straw that broke this camels back.

So - in many many ways there is relief that this pregnancy didn't make it out of the starting gate. Having a balanced translocation really pins the odds against me-and I am sick of facing the wrong side of those odds. I need to find my balance again. But the nagging voice of failure can't help but get a few jabs in on my psyche. Once again, biologically, I have failed.


Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

oh thea,
i wish i could say or do something to quiet that voice that makes you feel that some part of you has failed...
what i see is a woman of extraordinary talent, courage, strength and beauty...
i hope that you see all that too ;-)

love to you,

11/08/2007 8:10 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

I love you Thea. Email is coming.

11/08/2007 8:26 PM  
Blogger deirdre said...

Oh, honey, I wish I could take compassion and hugs and cups of tea and squeeze them into an email for you.

I also need to talk my way through everything and it all shows on my face - not everyone understands or has patience for that - maybe that makes us odd, maybe it just makes us more connected and articulate and honest. I prefer the second option. :) I am always happy to hear what you need to say.

I won't presume to tell you what you should or should not feel, but failure isn't a word I associate with you.

11/08/2007 11:18 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

honey, you ~ failure ~ not in this lifetime!! you know that i understand all to well the conflicting feelings surrounding all this and those feelings don't always mesh and that is okay!!

i wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions dance all over my face, i don't think its a bad way to be, truly :)

big breath and sigh ~ i love you honey, thinking about you, sending you love.

also, we have been watching 'tell me you love me' ~ quickly becoming a new addiction ...


11/08/2007 11:24 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i wish i could show up tomorrow morning with tea and fresh-baked scones, and that i could then give you a huge hug in person.

i recognize that the truth is we all feel what we feel, no one can change that or insist we feel differently...yet, i hope you see these truths - you are a brave, strong, amazing woman.

11/08/2007 11:58 PM  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

Oh honey, this is such a beautiful and insightful post. Like you, I tell. Everything. When I was pregnant, I let everyone know immediately - even if it didn't stick, I knew keeping it in was something I couldn't do. My hub says that my need to get everything off my chest everyday, is the reason I sleep so soundly at night, maybe so.

I was thinking about that yesterday, what/how I'd feel if I became pregnant now, (although i'm 99% certain it won't ever happen again), how would we as a couple take the news and honestly, I can't say that I have an answer for that...

I get looks from people that are more acquaintance than friend, because on the outside it would appear that I have the Life of Riley - one kid, mostly a SAHM, my business is for me, not to support our family...and I DO have a beautiful life. But in no way am I any less deserving of staying home just because I have one child and she's in school now. It's taken me a good long while to accept that - that I'm not a failure because I have just one kid. It was a decision we chose (and also one that was made for me with my health issues) but still I do wonder sometimes.

Thank you for your honesty and openess, I feel less strange in the world because of the beautiful bloggers who are so willing to share. xo

11/09/2007 8:25 AM  
Blogger Frida said...

i'm also someone who lets her emotions out more often that is socially acceptable in my setting - i learned the hard way that keeping it all in adds up to trouble for me.

you are your own unique, wonderful self. not a failure at all and i wish for you that you will find the right balance for you.


11/09/2007 1:39 PM  
Blogger Lianne said...

There is a spiritual process at work in your life. God is in charge. Perhaps your little one just isn't ready yet... timing is everything.

Blessings upon you.

11/09/2007 1:42 PM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I am sending love and understanding.... and removing failure from your vocabulary!

11/09/2007 2:18 PM  
Blogger Schmoops said...

sending you warm, understanding hugs and wishing you could see that the dreaded f word and you have nothing in common. your sisters are talent, inspiration, beauty and strength. xoxo

11/09/2007 7:36 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

"Once again, biologically, I have failed"----

Oh, no no no! You have to hear the truth, that this is not true. You did not "fail". You have no control over it all, and so how can you fail?? Crappily, it just is what it is.

I believe for you! When the time is right.


11/09/2007 10:38 PM  
Blogger I AM said...

I think, that maybe, sharing everything, keeping our emotions on our sleeve, I think that may be the most open, honest, painful, freeing, healthy way to live.

Yes, it means that sometimes you have to back pedal a little bit and explain that something changed, something happened. But it also creates something beautiful. By sharing the good and bad, when it happens, you have built a network of love. We are all here to support you and help you in any way that you will let us.

11/12/2007 12:49 PM  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

thea my love...you most certainly deserve self-love and self-acceptance...

i love you

11/12/2007 3:07 PM  

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