Bad news

I had my ultrasound first and then my appointment with my Dr afterwards.

On the ultrasound I saw a heartbeat thumping away and was in shock. We have only seen a normal heartbeat with my son.

The heart rate was 132, the yolk sac was only 3.7mm (anything over 6mm with someone with a genetic translocation can indicate a problem) and I felt thrown off but I must admit a bit hopeful.)

Then my Dr. came in for our appointment. I told him I need to know anything and everything that may look off right away because thinking everything was perfect and lovely with the last pregnancy made it pretty shocking to find out at 13 weeks that there were no skull bones. In retrospect-my hcg levels being super high were a warning sign, as well as seeing long bones but no skull bones before 13weeks.

Anyway he told me the crl is only 1.7mm-very very small-for the yolk sac to be so large, for a hr to be detected etc. The baby measures less than 5wks, while I am about 6w2d pregnant right now. This is not very good. He said he can't be sure, but he may give it a 30% chance of making it. I have to go get an ultrasound next Thursday. So more waiting.

I cried and cried in the car. Mostly because I just feel so tired and worn out. The idea of waiting another week-possibly more to find out this pregnancy will be a loss is exhausting. More time where I am exhausted and nauseous, and wanting to eat my emotions and pain down.

Bee from waiting on the front porch wrote a post about losing/missing her mom that just really hit home for me today. March 11th will be 6 years since my mom died. I have wound up pregnant in January a few times and losing pregnancies around the same time that I lost my mom-is really hard for me.

I have decided that I want to embrace joy. I want to have more of it in my life. To protect my heart, my husbands heart and my sons heart by avoiding walking into situations (like pregnancy) until I feel really really strong. That time may never come, but that will be ok.

It is natural to feel sad about something that could have been (with losing a parent or a baby). Healthy even. But I feel like this has been the center of my life and focus for so long with losing my mother and so many pregnancies. But I desire to have the center of my life be about what is, for there to be no competing what could be's stealing the show. It is so draining to stay positive and ignore the elephant in the room, like a failing pregnancy. I want my life to be about feeling fully the joy of what I have. To celebrate and nourish what is right before me. I see that I have a very real choice in this matter, by letting go of having another child for a while.

I want to nourish my relationship with my husband and child. I want us to have fun, feel the lightness and beauty of life. To feel less burden, to not worry about being resilient. To restore.

I want to get in a routine of running and doing yoga-to feel life thumping in my chest-my life. To feel agile and self aware. To take care of the life I have.
I want to get up in the am feeling spunky-strong-sexy-excited
I want to dance and play with the men in my life because it comes easy, I don't want to have to
work so hard to choose it over sadness.
I want to feel balance
I want to be close with my husband over fun things not just the hard things

It is time to seek fun, love and romance and shut the door to heartache.

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along