Bad news

I had my ultrasound first and then my appointment with my Dr afterwards.

On the ultrasound I saw a heartbeat thumping away and was in shock. We have only seen a normal heartbeat with my son.

The heart rate was 132, the yolk sac was only 3.7mm (anything over 6mm with someone with a genetic translocation can indicate a problem) and I felt thrown off but I must admit a bit hopeful.)

Then my Dr. came in for our appointment. I told him I need to know anything and everything that may look off right away because thinking everything was perfect and lovely with the last pregnancy made it pretty shocking to find out at 13 weeks that there were no skull bones. In retrospect-my hcg levels being super high were a warning sign, as well as seeing long bones but no skull bones before 13weeks.

Anyway he told me the crl is only 1.7mm-very very small-for the yolk sac to be so large, for a hr to be detected etc. The baby measures less than 5wks, while I am about 6w2d pregnant right now. This is not very good. He said he can't be sure, but he may give it a 30% chance of making it. I have to go get an ultrasound next Thursday. So more waiting.

I cried and cried in the car. Mostly because I just feel so tired and worn out. The idea of waiting another week-possibly more to find out this pregnancy will be a loss is exhausting. More time where I am exhausted and nauseous, and wanting to eat my emotions and pain down.

Bee from waiting on the front porch wrote a post about losing/missing her mom that just really hit home for me today. March 11th will be 6 years since my mom died. I have wound up pregnant in January a few times and losing pregnancies around the same time that I lost my mom-is really hard for me.

I have decided that I want to embrace joy. I want to have more of it in my life. To protect my heart, my husbands heart and my sons heart by avoiding walking into situations (like pregnancy) until I feel really really strong. That time may never come, but that will be ok.

It is natural to feel sad about something that could have been (with losing a parent or a baby). Healthy even. But I feel like this has been the center of my life and focus for so long with losing my mother and so many pregnancies. But I desire to have the center of my life be about what is, for there to be no competing what could be's stealing the show. It is so draining to stay positive and ignore the elephant in the room, like a failing pregnancy. I want my life to be about feeling fully the joy of what I have. To celebrate and nourish what is right before me. I see that I have a very real choice in this matter, by letting go of having another child for a while.

I want to nourish my relationship with my husband and child. I want us to have fun, feel the lightness and beauty of life. To feel less burden, to not worry about being resilient. To restore.

I want to get in a routine of running and doing yoga-to feel life thumping in my chest-my life. To feel agile and self aware. To take care of the life I have.
I want to get up in the am feeling spunky-strong-sexy-excited
I want to dance and play with the men in my life because it comes easy, I don't want to have to
work so hard to choose it over sadness.
I want to feel balance
I want to be close with my husband over fun things not just the hard things

It is time to seek fun, love and romance and shut the door to heartache.

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along


Blogger taylors said...

It was hard reading your post. It's hard to say the right things and is very hard to know that whatever I say in this post wont make you feel better.

I cling to that 30% chance of life and I cling to the hope that at one point today or sometime soon you will find comfort for you and your husbands heart. It seems like it has been a long journey for the two of you and we all wish to take away your burdens and ease your pain right now with our comments.

My husband and I have lost seven babies some early on some not. I'm not saying I know how you feel because I don't. Every situation is different and our emotions and how we go about them are different but I can relate to the feeling of trying to get everything settle and in a routine in order to heal and start again just a little stronger.

Thank you for sharing this very personal time with all those that read your blog. You are also doing all of us a favor by educating those that have never experience, infertility, miscarriages and so on with precious knowledge to help support family or friends through their own strugles.

optimism is key. For your son, for your husband ...good luck. We are here reading.

2/15/2008 2:02 PM  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

oh honey...i have tears in my eyes after reading your words...i love you so, so, so very much and i hope you know that in your core. you are truly one of the most beautiful women i've ever had the priviledge of knowing...and you deserve so much...so much life and joy and fullness and laughter and peace and abundance...you deserve smiles and play and kisses and hugs and feeling good about yourself-your life, your choices, your body, your family, your work, your art, your place in this world...that's what i wish for you...i'm closing my eyes and sending you my love right now...i hope you feel it around you...

2/15/2008 2:59 PM  
Blogger megg said...

i love you.

2/15/2008 3:07 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

dear girl,
i have been holding you, your laughter, in my heart since we spoke yesterday...
i just want you to know i am sitting here beside you...

sending you peace and light...i hope this weekend can be filled with whatever you need...

2/15/2008 3:08 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Oh Thea, I'm so sorry. There's so much I'd love to say and I have no right. I'm just heartbroken for you. I am hanging on to that 30% chance, but I know what it really might mean. Your decision to celebrate the joy in your life is a great one! For myself, I get so caught up in the issues of the moment rather than enjoying the great times I have in my life RIGHT NOW. I'm always living 2 steps ahead and missing what is in front of me. Time goes by so fast and I wonder when did I appreciate what was happening? We are here to listen. Feel free to email me anytime!

2/15/2008 3:31 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I will say my prayers for you and your babe.... I have been there on more than one occassion. hugs to you.

2/15/2008 3:35 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

I love you sweetie.

If you feel like talking at all you know where to find me.


2/15/2008 4:09 PM  
Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

I keep you in my thoughts Thea. This post is so beautiful - I wish you joy too, I wish you all that you wish for yourself.

BIG hugs and love to you

2/15/2008 4:15 PM  
Blogger I AM said...

Holding you close and tight, loving you completely and wishing you joy. - Tanaya

2/15/2008 4:37 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

i love you honey and am walking this path away from pain and towards joy with you ... i know i owe you an email, it is just so hard to write these days but know that i am thinking about you ... i took the day off and spent hours outside in the snowy sunlight taking photos and breathing gentle joy and connection in ... blowing you a breath of that ... xo

2/15/2008 5:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry, honey. please know that i am thinking of you and hoping for the best...((big hugs))...

2/15/2008 5:24 PM  
Blogger Susannah said...

oh my love, i am holding you tight, and sending you all all all of my love, right now xox

2/15/2008 6:01 PM  
Blogger Yolanda said...

My heart goes out to you. I know in so many ways and and so many levels what you are feeling.Just know that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

2/15/2008 7:18 PM  
Blogger Schmoops said...

honey, i am holding your hand and listening to you, really listening to what you are saying. i think this is a perfect song choice for today and i am going to play it for you now.

perhaps you can do what you need to do right now and let those of us who love you hang on to that 30% so you can set it aside for a bit and can just be with your thoughts and kiss and love on your boys in joy for a bit.

i love you.

2/15/2008 7:32 PM  
Blogger Frida said...

i've had the chance to see how people survive under apparently unbearable pressure and pain in places like gaza and afghanistan. in your own wisdom you have touched on the heart of that truth here - treasure the goodness you have, appreciate, celebrate, savour and honour the blessings you have. i wish you all the love, joy and goodness you can find in the this day today.

2/15/2008 7:40 PM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

my love ~
i am holding you gently.

i echo schmoops and frida's thoughts. so beautiful.

know i am here if you need me.

i love you.

2/15/2008 11:30 PM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

i'm sending love and encouragement, thea.
i am in awe of your wisdom and huge, huge heart.

2/16/2008 7:10 AM  
Blogger kristen said...

your honesty, your beauty to find the good...honey, this speaks of your huge heart and love.

in no way can i know how you're feeling, but i stand next to you sister and know that you have the support and love when/if you need it.

as a mama to an only, i understand.

much love. xoxo

2/16/2008 10:10 AM  
Blogger mccabe said...

oh sweetie....

i am holding you tight.
your heart,
your fragile spirit,
your generous loving hands.

i want you to
know i completely
love you as you are,
and where you are at.

please tell me
where i can meet you.

with love and care
mccabe xx

2/16/2008 2:57 PM  
Blogger Melba said...

thinking of you always~

2/16/2008 3:23 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

My thoughts and well wishes are with you today. What you are going through right now is extremely tough, and waiting makes it even tougher. So please had that over to us. Let all of us here be your support community and wait for you so you don't have to. It is great that you want seek out joy and I think that would be great for you soul. So go out and seek that joy. I am sure there is so much of it around you. I can see just from here you are surrounded with so much love. And pass the pain, hurting, and the agony of waiting on to us. We will hold it for you and hold your hand while you experience the joy.

2/16/2008 10:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love you thea.... we're all here for you


2/17/2008 12:22 AM  
Blogger jenica said...

i'm just catching up on this last week of yours. i am so sorry dear thea. your words reach into me and as i grasp for the right thing to say... i hope you know how much i care, how deeply your words affect me, how much i wish i could use a magic fairy wand to give you exactly what you most want and desire...

as i look over your past posts from this week i see this spectrum of emotion. the beauty in your life is tremendous... as is the pain. my hope is that you'll be gentle with yourself through it all. be still, gentle thea, be still.


2/17/2008 2:09 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Bless, bless, bless you and your trouble and fear, your sadness and grief, your waiting, your dastardly waiting. We all watch with you, and we love.

2/17/2008 10:28 AM  
Anonymous misty said...

dear Thea,
you are so brave. you are so beautiful inside out! i think we all want the most and best for you and hold you in our warmest most loving thoughts... i am thinking of you and sending much love your way. take care of yourself! xoxo

2/17/2008 12:39 PM  
Blogger caroline : my pocket said...

Sending you hugs and love, wishing strength seeps into you gradually until you wake up excited about the day ahead. Much love, xoxo

2/17/2008 4:04 PM  
Blogger brittany said...

dear thea, you are so strong and beautiful. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. What an incredibly hard trial to endure. my thoughts are with you and hope that things go your way. love to you.


2/17/2008 7:46 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oh, Thea--I came ambling by to see what was up, and I'll be thinking about you all evening--

I don't have the right words to say, but I'm sending you lots of love and hugs...

2/17/2008 8:13 PM  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

I am thinking of you, Thea.

2/18/2008 11:43 AM  
Blogger Toni said...


2/18/2008 5:10 PM  

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