On the sweet side

I am not on the sweet side.

One of my closest friends from childhood (Hope), my husband, and the pregnancy nurse have all said something about my seemingly bad attitude about this pregnancy. My husband actually pointed out that my expression of anger about the beta results going up could very likely have hurt someone ttc's feelings-as it would have mine, before we had our son. So cute, that he thinks in terms of a ttc womans feelings, that I couldn't defend myself, even under my breath or in my own mind. So I came back and tried to reword it a bit.

I know I will survive this no matter what happens. I know I will. Yesterday a very very wise parental figure pointed out that each pregnancy emotionally doesn't start with a clean slate. Part of me doesn't feel ready to handle another loss. I am trying my best to go through each day not thinking, not feeling about this. Trying to let time pass. Trying not to let my estrogen levels that are not rising as they should, or the progesterone levels that are ok, but supplemented, which both could indicate the poor genetic quality of the egg, get me down. What is the point? There won't be any prediction of viability until 7weeks-when they know they should see a heartbeat (my offices have high tech ultrasounds-some older ones do not see heartbeats at this point.)

It is scary to realize I may be very close to my limit of tolerance for all this. This means that I would have to choose to use birth control. Do you know what this can to do a determined ttc at all costs woman?

I don't have the flu by the way. I have some wicked sinus thingy and wicked cough. Charming.

On the sweet side:
My son and I went out today to walmart to buy materials to plant seeds this weekend indoors. Simple easy reproduction.LOL.

I am so utterly grateful for my husband who gets me but wiill not forget about all the other women ttc either.

Chowder fest this past weekend with lots of friends and their kids.

The best homemade Italian dinner at Genine's house. Just think homemade gnocci with gargonzola sauce as a first course. The rest was just as good, but I may gain another 5 lbs just writing anymore about it.

Deciding to take my son with me on errands and a photo date, instead of to school, just because the trees were covered in ice, the sun was out and I love hanging out with him that much.

That my son is a mature shopper, never greedy. Upon checkout at Walmart I asked him if he wanted one of the toys I had put in the cart. He said "No thanks". It made the checkout girl chuckle.

That when we drove up to the house there was a huge huge swarm of robins in the trees in the front of our house. That before I could say anything my son said" momma, look at the birds in our tree", and then when I opened my window to take pictures he lowered his voice to a whisper, so as not to scare them away.

Kneeling over the back of the couch watching the birds together after we came inside.

Hmmmm the sweeter side of things is always a better place to be.


Blogger liz elayne said...

i am so appreciative of you showing up here with such honesty. and your husband getting it, getting you, and thinking of others...that is beautiful really.

and the sweet side...it is the good side indeed.

(and trying to defend yourself in your mind or under your breath - oh how i got that one thea...i so know about that...)

sending you light and goodness...

2/07/2008 11:36 PM  
Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

You are gonna be fine honey... YOU ARE fine.

And your little bebe... well he/she is gonna be fine too!!

Seriously Thea, you ROCK, your hubs rocks, your boy rocks... you rock my world sharing *you*

Thanks babes, thanks!

2/08/2008 3:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

entitlement....it's the word that keeps coming to me...

you are entitled thea... to feel what you're feeling, to try to cope in a way that feels right, to defend yourself... ;)

be kind to yourself...to your heart...

it's heartwarming to hear about T...a sensative guy at heart.... ;0

love you, and am here every step of the way...

xxoo genine

2/08/2008 8:09 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

I can understand your "anger." You are trying to protect yourself from heartache; and I can understand that. But if things don't go the way we hope, please remember you would feel heartache anyway. So trying to allow yourself to "be on the sweet side" will only benefit how you feel and feed your soul good energy. If only it were all up to us. *sigh* I'm still dancing for you and hoping the best hopes!

2/08/2008 9:14 AM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

i think it is so very giving and kind that you are concerned about hurting another woman that is ttc's feelings.

i am ttc...and nothing you said offended or hurt me.

your journey is your journey and i think it is important that you feel free to be and feel whatever it is you are in any given moment without the added pressure to worry about other's feelings. my feelings are my feelings that you are not responsible for. but again...i respect yours and your husband's kindness with it all.

i know you'll be gentle with yourself and let go as much as possible and whatever happens is so out of your control.

just keep breathing and loving the way you are.

day by day.
breath by breath.
moment by moment.

i so enjoy hearing about those precious moments with your son. he is a deep thinker and free flowing hippy like his mama.

love you.

2/08/2008 2:43 PM  
Blogger taylors said...

I just started reading your blog and have become overwhelmed by your struggles with infertility.
Sometimes I just wish to make the world perfect for a second and for all those moms like you struggling and so deserving of children to get their wishes and blessings because you are absolutely entitled to that.

Your sensitivity to other women amazed me, there are many people out there so disconnected with this issue and people that turn their backs on women going through the same thing as you. I wish you the best and hope that everything continues on going well. What a sweet little boy you have, what comfort to have him. At a time like this I'm so glad you have that stability in him.

2/08/2008 3:33 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

God Bless our sweet little angels and their ability to bring us back down to earth! How sweet and gentle and observant they are.
Thank you for sharing your journey and true feelings with us. Blessings to you.

2/08/2008 4:20 PM  
Blogger calibosmom said...

I love those sweet moments with our little ones-they make life wonderful when it isn't. Keep your chin up!

2/11/2008 10:19 AM  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

sweet indeed!...

i can totally see why you'd be a bit apprehensive about all this...you've been through so much emotionally and physically...that is so taxing...you've faced so much grief and loss...i can't imagine not feeling apprehensive and worried, overwhelmed, etc...

what i'm learning about myself right now is that to NOT feel what you do feel...to try and talk yourself out of your feelings...is making yourself small...and not living fully...to live fully you have to let yourself feel what you feel...without judgement...without placing any kind of shame or blame on yourself...without guilt...

i love you lots and lots and will call sometime between now and wednesday...

ps--i purchased a duaflex from e-bay this weekend...i need some pointers from you...

...the holga is next...

2/11/2008 2:58 PM  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

ps--i forgot to tell you how much i love this pic...

and how glad i am to hear you don't have the flu...i just got over some sinus junk myself...no fun...

2/11/2008 2:59 PM  
Blogger mccabe said...

i hug your big wide heart
that is able to hold it all.

i love you,
mccabe x

2/13/2008 1:13 AM  
Anonymous Megan said...

I don't think your words could hurt our feelings (those ttc). We've been there, we know.

We wish we could make it better.

2/13/2008 11:18 AM  
Blogger Shaz said...

I think your doing beuatifully Honey xx

2/15/2008 3:05 AM  

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