On the sweet side

I am not on the sweet side.

One of my closest friends from childhood (Hope), my husband, and the pregnancy nurse have all said something about my seemingly bad attitude about this pregnancy. My husband actually pointed out that my expression of anger about the beta results going up could very likely have hurt someone ttc's feelings-as it would have mine, before we had our son. So cute, that he thinks in terms of a ttc womans feelings, that I couldn't defend myself, even under my breath or in my own mind. So I came back and tried to reword it a bit.

I know I will survive this no matter what happens. I know I will. Yesterday a very very wise parental figure pointed out that each pregnancy emotionally doesn't start with a clean slate. Part of me doesn't feel ready to handle another loss. I am trying my best to go through each day not thinking, not feeling about this. Trying to let time pass. Trying not to let my estrogen levels that are not rising as they should, or the progesterone levels that are ok, but supplemented, which both could indicate the poor genetic quality of the egg, get me down. What is the point? There won't be any prediction of viability until 7weeks-when they know they should see a heartbeat (my offices have high tech ultrasounds-some older ones do not see heartbeats at this point.)

It is scary to realize I may be very close to my limit of tolerance for all this. This means that I would have to choose to use birth control. Do you know what this can to do a determined ttc at all costs woman?

I don't have the flu by the way. I have some wicked sinus thingy and wicked cough. Charming.

On the sweet side:
My son and I went out today to walmart to buy materials to plant seeds this weekend indoors. Simple easy reproduction.LOL.

I am so utterly grateful for my husband who gets me but wiill not forget about all the other women ttc either.

Chowder fest this past weekend with lots of friends and their kids.

The best homemade Italian dinner at Genine's house. Just think homemade gnocci with gargonzola sauce as a first course. The rest was just as good, but I may gain another 5 lbs just writing anymore about it.

Deciding to take my son with me on errands and a photo date, instead of to school, just because the trees were covered in ice, the sun was out and I love hanging out with him that much.

That my son is a mature shopper, never greedy. Upon checkout at Walmart I asked him if he wanted one of the toys I had put in the cart. He said "No thanks". It made the checkout girl chuckle.

That when we drove up to the house there was a huge huge swarm of robins in the trees in the front of our house. That before I could say anything my son said" momma, look at the birds in our tree", and then when I opened my window to take pictures he lowered his voice to a whisper, so as not to scare them away.

Kneeling over the back of the couch watching the birds together after we came inside.

Hmmmm the sweeter side of things is always a better place to be.