Inconclusive

Today I went to an IVF Dr. oiffice to get an us and bloodwork.

The ultrasound there measured the crl as 6w1d, the yolk sac as 4.3mm and the hr at 131. She said the only thing slightly off is the gestational sac which measures small. She didn't say how small and my brain being on shut off mode was completely busy with the other info. A few years ago I would have walked out of there with every number possible memorized. I left trying my best to contain the excitement that started brewing. I mean hey everything is looking pretty normal according to this ultrasound. But this was the same place that told me at my twice weekly ultrasounds that the last baby looked perfect until 10 weeks and we all know that didn't turn out well. It amazes me how long a day, a week, feels right now.

So I drove off with all intentions to distract myself until blood work results came in.

My inlaws took small boy for the day-so I got a monster burrito and went to see Juno by myself. Is it me or did you find yourself laughing out loud? People kept looking at me when I laughed-and I was trying to keep it down. The end of course was a bit emotional, but the one liners from that girl totally made me laugh.

This afternoon I got a call from my clinic with my hormone levels-which are pretty alarming-my estrogen is 113 should be climbing from first level of 137, my progesterone is 15 (:0) from 60+ a week or so ago when I was taking my meds like clock work and my beta hcg is only 1921. That is a very low beta for this stage-based on my beginning levels and the fact that they are supposed to double every 48 hrs. I just used a beta calculator and my beta was 200 on Feb 2nd. My beta's are doubling every 6.5 days instead of the 2-2.5 bit is supposed to. That just plain sucks, and I guess explains the small gestational sac. WTF. I swear this feels like slow torture. I give-I will tell you whatever you want......just stop torturing me......I wish it was that easy.

So apparently stopping the progesterone shots on my own was stupid-I figured since I ovulated and am taking day and night suppositories it was overkill. Oh and yeah, I forgot one or two of the evening suppositories. But I was going with 30% folks. Also I don't think the hcg would be low because of progesterone but maybe I am wrong.

So handsome husband stood and waited a long time for a bunch of STAT calls to get a script filled for more progesterone in oil this evening and I eagerly await the 1 1/2 " needle. I go in tomorrow for more blood work.

More fucking suspense.