My mind is numb
I can't really think much
my son is on an eating and drinking strike
all of a sudden being very crabby and demanding
guilt that my mindset is bringing this out in him
glints of reality that he is probably stretching his
power/ego muscle that starts to pop up around this age
I am just having a hard time dealing with it hour after hour
day after day.
It has been since the ER visit on Thursday since he has moved his bowels
so there are Dr. phone calls, medicines, drinks that I am trying to get him to take
that just aren't doing much.
Today they told me I need to bring him to a gastroenterologist. I am waiting for them to cal with the appointment time.
I got in for an ultrasound at the local fertility place tomorrow morning. The fact that they are experienced measuring early pregnancies makes me want to seek out their expertise. I still go to my obgyn on Thursday, but I look forward to tomorrow, as it will probably give some more answers.
I just want to veg out in front of the tv
I wake up in the morning wanting to feel a great day ahead-imagining all the great things that will happen
and I just can't.
I literally can't think/create/secretize things.
It is the strangest feeling-this numbness
it is better than feeling miserable
I feel as if I have had a partial labotomy
I spent his nap time watching in treatment episodes back to back
my husband has been out of town for business since yesterday
I am now going to make dinner and hope my boy eats something

I can't wait to get my brain back.


Blogger Boho Girl said...

my heart is with you, thea my love.

i wrote on my blog today about my need to be quiet, move gently, only focusing on the moment in front of me and breathing...no expectations of myself and others and needing for them to have no expectations of me.

we are perhaps needing the same things yet for different reasons but reasons that intertwine.

you are not alone.
i am with you.

be what you need to be.
if it is numb...be numb.

holding you gently,

2/18/2008 6:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry things suck, Thea. Tomorrow will be better, if only because you'll have a few hours to yourself. Take advantage of them and do whatever you want for at least a little while - nap, veg, shop. Get through this week, whatever it takes.

Trey will get better, and you will hopefully have some answers for yourself soon. You are't doing anything wrong or damaging to Trey; he's being an almost-3-year-old and his job is to make his mother insane.

And then let's do some planning - a weekend away for you and Terry, and maybe a visit to Chicago. You need some things to look forward to!

2/18/2008 7:27 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Holding your hand...

2/19/2008 7:33 AM  
Blogger BB said...

It's been a long time since I visited you, Thea, and, catching up with your last few posts, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Thinking of you xox

2/19/2008 11:46 AM  
Blogger mccabe said...

i understand this space,

i feel that sometimes
it is necessary to feel numb-
for if you felt it all at
once it would be too

the body protects itself
and you.

i support you
and i love you
exactly where you are at.

with care
mccabe xx

2/19/2008 12:04 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

thinking of you and loving you honey ... understanding fills my heart and sends warmth to you ...

2/19/2008 12:47 PM  
Blogger Deirdre said...

You've been on my mind this week. I'm without a computer (at the library right now), and felt the need to check in with you. You're in my thoughts.

2/19/2008 1:28 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

thinking about you...sending you peace and love...

2/19/2008 1:54 PM  
Anonymous bee said...

oh, thea...

i'm there with you, feeling what you're feeling, reaching out to you through this damn screen to give you a hug, if you need it.

always thinking about you.

2/19/2008 2:10 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...


You are in my thoughts today.


2/19/2008 2:46 PM  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

I am still thinking of you and wishing you all the best, Thea.

2/19/2008 3:09 PM  
Blogger dreamergirl said...

i know this numb~ness, be it for different reasons.

you're not alone in this. it will fade, it just needs to be right now.

we're all here for you.

love, silvia

2/19/2008 4:41 PM  

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