4/22/2008

I am feeling pretty delicate today. Actually for the past few days/week.

It began with catching up and reading posts over at Maddie's blog and feeling envy that her life seems so filled with magic and beauty. Part of me felt less than those things as I savoured her words, her poems, her photographs. The thought to turn away from this beauty, as if not knowing it would make me feel better, came up for me. But then it seemed to slap me in the face-this choice to turn away from something beautiful so I wouldn't feel so plain. Then I thought a bit more, and realized I could choose to be inspired instead. What I love so much about her is her perspective, that she treats herself to beautiful treats, she captures wonderful moments, she delights in pretty treasures. All things I admire and love about my darling Deni, who I know better, and who through our common fertility journey has shared her process and how she rises above the tears and sadness. So I realized that maybe by shifting my perspective I could bring some more of that magic to my own life. Maybe being conscious to find those things every day in my life would bring me light and joy. And they did, and now I find myself checking in for new posts by Maddie regularly as they have become another one of my beautiful magical reminders to look at the beauty around me.

Since I am being honest I will add that I also sometimes have felt envious or less than when reading Kelly Rae's blog because she is such a success, and beautiful, and lives in such a cute home, and has such a cute studio:) . Once again, I don't know Kelly very well outside her blog. I try to remind myself then as well, that she is human too, and that she works at being courageous and just keeps going forward (she also shares parts of her process on her blog). That what she has, she has created. I decide to allow these qualities to inspire me rather than fester, but sometimes it is a bit of a challenge.

So I had a good rush of great things happen as I started doing the feeling affirmations and taking risky-scary steps. An example -I thought of an idea to propose to Somerset studios and so I emailed the editor and asked if they would be interested. I was terrified but I did it. I got a quick reply that they would:)

I also was encouraged by my frister Genine to dabble in high school school senior portrait photography. At first I thought-who the heck can I get to model so I can build a portfolio? I kept imagining my successful portrait business, with this question in the back of my mind. I just chose not to listen to the doubts without countering them with good thoughts. In a day or so I started to think of all these teenagers. I contacted them and got all of the 5 lined up and scheduled for this week.

Then all of a sudden I started to feel a downward fear spiral, that I wrote about a two posts ago. Then I read a post by someone that I took personal, even though it may not have been about me. All of a sudden I had some evidence to support this deep rooted fear that when I sound happy, or spin things in a positive light, or use my blog to help me cherish the beauty and magic, that those I love will somehow be turned away by it. My "ego" or whatever you call it started rebelling and trying to theoretically pull me back. Now truly this has NOTHING to do with anyone else. It has to do with the fear that comes up for me when I am growing and changing.

So I have been moving steadily ahead, but my insecurities seem to be building with each step.

I want to be happy I want to savor and enjoy every beautiful thing.

Feeling the grief and sadness, which I feel like I did for the first two years blogging, was good and healing but it also began to feel stifling. I didn't like being around myself anymore. I was sick of being the sad one in my group of friends. The one to be sorry for. The one that had such bad luck.

It doesn't mean the pain is all gone, or that I am denying those things. What it means to me is that I have this one wild and crazy life. I want to look back on my life when I am dying and feel it was well lived. I sat with my mother - not too soon before her passing-and she looked at me and said she focused on the wrong things. The negative things-the things she couldn't control. The people who didn't or couldn't love her instead of the glorious things. This was a very very strong pivotal moment that always is in my mind when I feel tragically sad or disappointed. I want to focus on the right things, if that makes sense.

Yesterday I felt tragically sad. My Dr. office called and left a message on my cell phone, that the genetic results were in from our last miscarriage-less than two months ago. I called them back and the nurse tells me that the baby was a balanced girl-like me (this means she had my translocation ). They had so much tissue they are sure it was not my cells. She was genetically normal. Most of my miscarriages have been unbalanced. She would have grown normally-as she did the first 8 weeks, except her sac was defective and caused the loss.

This hit me much harder than I thought it would. So even though I had a senior portrait session in 2 hrs, I let myself cry. I called Genine (my husband was in an out of town meeting) and bawled and talked. I got off the phone and cried some more. But then I cleaned up and went on to my photo shoot. I allowed the joy of taking pictures to come. I felt lighter. On the way home I was tired and still felt the pain, but it was less.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that creating and appreciating goodness takes a lot of effort for me, but it is the only way I want to live this one wild and precious life I have been given. And when I am brave and do things that scare me, it seems easier to find good things, but the fear still comes, and sometimes it comes like a storm that feels burdensome and hard to escape. And there are some days like today, where I feel tired and super delicate.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver

19 Comments:

Blogger pen said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4/22/2008 6:10 PM  
Blogger pen said...

wow wow wow. this post is {amazing}

it pulled me in immediately: i couldn't believe that {you} could possibly have the same insecurities as me... and then as i read on: i got insecure ~ you write so beautifully, who am i trying to kid by attempting to be part of this world... and then i got to the wise words of your mother...

wow. this post, your mother ~ and {you} ~ have made a radical shift of perspective in my life. thank you.

and, for what it's worth, i think you are every bit as amazing as the women whose blogs you mention here (both of whom i read and admire greatly) and i hope that you feel it again soon x

4/22/2008 6:16 PM  
Blogger PixieDust said...

The honesty you share here is very brave, and almost all of us have felt this way at one time or another. Thank you for helping me look deeper into myself, especially now that I begin my own baby etsy steps.

Also, let me say that you are very inspiring - your beauty, your art, and YOUR success.

Keep doing what you do, because you do it so well...

:-)

Much love to you,
(((HUGS))),
Me

4/22/2008 6:26 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

sending you love and understanding honey ... i hate living with all the fear i live with inside of me, the fear so many of us do but we somehow manage to find inspiration and love and light and carry on. sending you smiles and love and light and a hug across the miles.

i have been feeling pretty delicate myself but the sun has come out and there are bits of blue sky and the endless amount of snow has finally stopped so hope is beginning to swirl again.

xo

4/22/2008 6:28 PM  
Blogger Jacks said...

what a beautiful & honest post. i'm so inspired by the blogs that i read, yours, the ones mentioned, i just haven't quite got up the nerve to really just let go. i feel like i'm selfish for wanting more when i have so much, but i would never say that to anyone else, its odd...

you are a delicate being of light, that doesn't mean there isn't darkness, but the light will always be present. miscarriages and loss are tragically sad.

4/22/2008 6:36 PM  
Blogger Deirdre said...

I hope you're able to see how brave and amazing you are. A week like this would knock a lot of people off their feet - you've danced with it and kept balanced enough to be creative and moving forward anyway. xoxo

4/22/2008 7:33 PM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

honey, you are one of the most strong people i know. i so admire how introspective you are, always craving balance and wisdom from each experience.

i admire how you didn't choose to walk away from someone else's happiness (via their blog) but to embrace it and allow it to inspire the own magic you hold within.

i admire that you have no doubt about your magic within.

you are beautiful.
and you inspire me, every day.

i love you.

4/22/2008 7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just one thought, and one that I struggle with myself: the people who truly love you will never turn away from you because you are happy or successful or optimistic. The people who truly love you want nothing BUT happiness and success and beauty for you.

And to the extent someone turns away from you in reaction to your happiness, it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own insecurities.

Love,
Melissa

4/22/2008 8:07 PM  
Blogger maddie said...

darling ~ i feel fear ~
tremendous fear ~ i feel
sadness ~ tremendous
sadness and less~than~beautiful~
smart~brave~worthy~talented~
creative and on and on at times ~
emotions are tidal i believe
for everyone ~ and life
is a mix of things so beautiful
and so tragic ~
I am envious of your gift
for honesty ~ you put a light on
your delicate feelings and
then I can feel them blooming
into something wondrous...
I shy away from feelings less
than sparkly and then have sorrowful
moments deep into the night ~

I look for poetry and beauty in
the everyday so that it will
lift my spirits ~ It was your
photography and sunshiney
etsy that inspired me so much
~ you are my mentor for
beauty and sharing that beauty:)

I love your great heart:)
And thank you for your
kind words ~ just made me
feel so wonderful inside :)

4/22/2008 8:08 PM  
Anonymous bella said...

Hey girlie. I know many friends who blog in this tight knit community that have felt the same way as you. It a very common and totally normal feeling.
But.. do you know how fabulous I think you are? You capture and create amazing photos..and your jewelry is enchanting to say the least.
The story you have chosen to share so honestly is nothing short of braveness as it's best.
You touch many people's hearts in a special way my dear. I understand that these are your own issues that you're working through - but please know that you've got a big bunch of cheerleaders shouting for you in the background! xo

4/22/2008 9:40 PM  
Blogger Melba said...

Thea,
You are amazingly beautiful.
Every time I come to this space of yours I am enriched.

I can completely relate to having feelings of jealousy at times...and even for you...you are such a Etsy success! When feelings of jealousy arise I always think of my sister. She is financially way more well off then we are. A few years ago she told me she received the highest score on her review and that her bonus was xxxxx ~ which was six months of Sean's salary (our only source of income). I didn't feel jealousy at all. I only felt happiness for her because I love my sister so much. So when I feel jealous I think about that person in a really positive light (well I try) and it helps. I do admit that sometimes I have to stop reading a blog that I find just too much for me~that triggers too many unpleasant emotions.

I am a believer in Law of Attraction. But it definately takes practice and I can quickly spiral at times. I get caught up in feeling this is all so hard and I want it all to be easy.
Then I breathe and move on.

Knowing there are friends like you on a similiar path is a real comfort.

Thank you for being you!
XO,
Melba

4/22/2008 10:25 PM  
Blogger kristen said...

honey, you are a total inspiration for me with your kind, thoughtful honesty and your BIG creativity.

you have joy in your voice and heart and anyone that knows you or has had the chance to speak to you, i'm quite certain is completely and utterly captivated and in love. i know i am.

love. xo

4/23/2008 7:49 AM  
Blogger Kirsten Michelle said...

i cannot help but think of you
big
strong
girl
without thinking of your beauty, strength and courage.

you inspire me to be a better woman, mother, artist and friend.

sending you love and hugs,
xo
k

4/23/2008 10:14 AM  
Blogger Thea Coughlin said...

****tears****** of gratitude for your warmth and love.

This was a bit tender of a post and to be embraced well shucks it makes me shed tears of gratitude.

Pen~I have read and reread your comment. Something about it touched me-your process-your thoughts. I really relate.

Pixie~darling you are such a talent-love hearing these words from you:)

Daisies~love your words always seem to come to me at the most perfect times. You are salve to my heart and courage for my soul.

Jacks:) I smiled when I saw youleft another comment. So nice to hear from you again. I hope when I get some of these piles of work to visit your corner and some other new faces here-of blog land. I appreciate connecting with you here:) thank you for commenting.

Deirdre~Love I cannot say how happy I was to get this comment from you. You have been so instrumental in my processing of my mothers death, and taking an adventure into creative life. I savor morning tea and sun thinking of you.

Deni-my love-you teach me every single day to be tender, loving and strong. Your energy, friendship and love is a life line to my creativity and womanhood. I cherish you deeply.

Melissa~you are a dream to me. The sister of my brother and now my own frister. I love our relationship and all the wisdom you have and readily share. Thank you.

Maddie~tears love~tears for your open ness and tenderness. I am so content knowing you got this and felt all the love it was written with:)

Bella~ what yummy affirmations.....thank you darling...thank you. Sending love and affirmations back to you:)

Melba~I love this story about your sister-it really drives home the truth. Thank you:) Your artistic path inspires me.

Kristen~ you have the most delightful voice and connecting with you has been such a wondrous thing. You are such a rockstar.

Kirsten~you do the same for me girl.
XOXOXOXO

4/23/2008 10:59 AM  
Blogger pERiWinKle said...

Sweet Thea,
Your heart is so tender...honest...open...sometimes funny the way you say it...like a little girl being really determined...i love how you see the world, but your honesty on how you feel, touches my heart!

I'm wondering if you know how many readers will jump up and down if they see a comment with yOUR name next to it...

You, your words and your art inspire me daily xx

4/23/2008 12:20 PM  
Anonymous misty said...

oh sweet one...we all have these feelings... they come and make us feel awful about what we don't have and it's hard to see what we do have that is so wonderful when we are comparing with others that share the best of what they do have...and not everyone is as honest about their feelings as you...how brave you are!
i know there are many people out there envious of you and your beautiful life and all that you have accomplished so far.
just splash in those muddy mud piles when they come along and i will try to do the same, i feel for you!
xoxoxoxo

4/23/2008 8:37 PM  
Blogger mccabe said...

wow thea-
you kicked some major brave girl ass in this one.

but before i get into that,
i just wanted to remind you that you could not be plain even if you tried.

i am sorry thea, but i just cannot let you get away with calling yourself anything but extraordinary.

but i do understand where you are coming from, and what girl can't relate to all of this?

i also validate your feelings of comparing and feeling less magical. i have skimmed this issue on my blog but i have never been brave enough to just put it out there like you did. i commend you for speaking from your heart, in such a way that others feel comforted from you words.

thank you, thea.

i have been wanting to chat with you beauty~
know i am here when you are ready to reach out.

in the meantime,
i send you all my love.

your friend,
mccabe x

4/23/2008 11:32 PM  
Blogger Michelle (a.k.a. la vie en rose) said...

oh honey your words...your story...really touched me today...i share a lot of the same insecurities that you voiced...i do...you are brave and beautiful...

4/24/2008 5:29 PM  
Anonymous Nikole said...

Oh, Thea, I am so moved by your bravery in sharing some of the deep parts of your soul. I always find it amazing that women who I admire carry the same shadows with them. It makes me feel much less alone in my insecurity. You are beautiful, talented, inspiring, amazing. Thank you for opening yourself so honestly on this complicated journey of life. Sending you love and light and hope. Always hope.

5/02/2008 2:06 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home