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First Vlog

I am posting this vlog even though I feel like a dork. I am committed to getting as much work done today as possible, so I didn't give in to my urge to get a better angle, think of something more eloquent to say, etc. Just putting it out there.



Inspired by Denise
Philosophers Notes

November is here, and like each year since my mother passed (7years ago this past March) as her birthday approaches (nov 21) and the days get shorter, I feel sadness rising inside like smoke from a smothered fire.

It amazes me that the sadness and ache can be so strong.

My closest friend from childhood, called this week to tell me that her mother just told her they found a white spot on her chest xray. I feel all tumbly inside. can't even make sense of the feelings.

Some resentment comes up for me too, towards myself, about how much I took for granted my mothers motherly, unconditional love. Although limited in some ways by her personality- her interest in me, interest on a level that only a mother could have for her child was such a gift. What a treasure, a mother's love. The knowing that someone loves you more than anything, and wants what is best for you more than anyone. It feels so petty and selfish to want such things, but I do.

I am so missing her...

Channeling my creative force...

oiy I am mentally all over the place here. I love the awareness that I crave creative expression, yet practically it has dawned on me that there needs to be space for that to expand, and come through.

So it is a bit much for me to plan on taking creative photographs every day and to post here about it.

So more modification to the portfolio project:

1. daily writing for sure, as this is definitely helping me to channel my creative force. Firstly by helping me to plan better and to get more efficient with work and life so that I have room for the creativity I crave.

daily writing to take the form of one of the following
a) morning pages
b)writing here
c)writing on business blog

I am going to give this 3 day cycle a shot.

This is really giving me the opportunity to accept that often ideas do not come out 100% right away. That it is ok to not be perfect, AND that I need practice in what I can and cannot take on in my life, and that what I take on should be adding to the quality of my life not making me stresssed.

Ahhh I missed a day already!!

Damn cold. I am still feeling pretty yucky from a cold all three of us got last week. It started with an itchy throat and then went to the chest and runny nose. Now I have this cough - feels like some yucky stuff going on in my chest. Scratchy throat is back and I look and feel run down and tired!

Seems like many many people are getting same thing- adults and kids. I am shocked that i have been sick twice already this fall. I rarely get sick. I think stress may be a factor? Just from being so stretched/busy.

Probably didn't help that last night I went trick or treating with my boy wearing a long tshirt-only to get caught in the pouring rain about 4 blocks from our friends house and our car. I can't remember the last time I felt that physically miserable. Luckily our boy had a blast despite it being cut short by the rain.

I think the universe is sending me a message...not sure what it is about, but I had a rough day with some personal things...going to go ruminate on these, and see if things become clearer ...

"...each journey, kind of like a haircut, should never be fully appraised until it's complete. Otherwise, one might mistaken a miracle-in-the-making for a setback..."

part of TUT email this morning

"...fear is nothing more than a NEGATIVE EXPECTATION. Think about it, when you’re afraid, what are you imagining? You’re imagining what could go wrong. Yah? If you want to get rid of the fear, you’ve gotta swap your negative expectation for a positive one! It really is that simple."

part of Big Idea email this morning

"..when you feel fear, turn it into inspiration"

patient said to Derek on Grey's Anatomy

Refinding ~ Portfolio Project

Driving down my road this afternooon, I felt a sense of dread about posting today. Yesterday's post seemed so boring.

When I noticed the dread feeling, I questioned myself. What is my goal as I take on this project to write here every day?

Motherhood is a big part of my life,but my intention for taking on this project is not to write a journal of what I do each day. But what is it then?

As I listened to the re finding podcast by Jen a few moments ago, I had a thought. Maybe this is about re finding my artistic playful side ( with my photography). This will come through in all areas of my life I am sure, but what I want to focus on in this project is to carve a place where I can be creative-completely utterly creative with my photography, for me. To knead and mold the part inside of me that is my core.

My photography now is expressed only as part of a relationship. Either a relationship with my loved ones, or a relationship I share with my clients, and their loved ones.

I don't have much time to play artistically with my photography during a 2 hour session, where my goal is to tell the story of them, using the tools/skills/techniques I know how to use well.

But what I see happening is that there is a need for me to grow and reach and claw and struggle. If I direct this into my art, I believe wonderful things can come. As I write this it comes together. This energy/drive leaks out all over my life. If this life force/creative energy is directed, I believe that I will feel more at peace. That my itch to "do something" will be satisfied..

So with a feeling similar to fear in my chest, I am saying out loud that this portfolio project is about me channeling this creative force.

Quantity over quality....

eeeshhh... what am I getting myself into?