I think the universe is sending me a message...not sure what it is about, but I had a rough day with some personal things...going to go ruminate on these, and see if things become clearer ...

"...each journey, kind of like a haircut, should never be fully appraised until it's complete. Otherwise, one might mistaken a miracle-in-the-making for a setback..."

part of TUT email this morning

"...fear is nothing more than a NEGATIVE EXPECTATION. Think about it, when you’re afraid, what are you imagining? You’re imagining what could go wrong. Yah? If you want to get rid of the fear, you’ve gotta swap your negative expectation for a positive one! It really is that simple."

part of Big Idea email this morning

"..when you feel fear, turn it into inspiration"

patient said to Derek on Grey's Anatomy


Refinding ~ Portfolio Project

Driving down my road this afternooon, I felt a sense of dread about posting today. Yesterday's post seemed so boring.

When I noticed the dread feeling, I questioned myself. What is my goal as I take on this project to write here every day?

Motherhood is a big part of my life,but my intention for taking on this project is not to write a journal of what I do each day. But what is it then?

As I listened to the re finding podcast by Jen a few moments ago, I had a thought. Maybe this is about re finding my artistic playful side ( with my photography). This will come through in all areas of my life I am sure, but what I want to focus on in this project is to carve a place where I can be creative-completely utterly creative with my photography, for me. To knead and mold the part inside of me that is my core.

My photography now is expressed only as part of a relationship. Either a relationship with my loved ones, or a relationship I share with my clients, and their loved ones.

I don't have much time to play artistically with my photography during a 2 hour session, where my goal is to tell the story of them, using the tools/skills/techniques I know how to use well.

But what I see happening is that there is a need for me to grow and reach and claw and struggle. If I direct this into my art, I believe wonderful things can come. As I write this it comes together. This energy/drive leaks out all over my life. If this life force/creative energy is directed, I believe that I will feel more at peace. That my itch to "do something" will be satisfied..

So with a feeling similar to fear in my chest, I am saying out loud that this portfolio project is about me channeling this creative force.

Quantity over quality....

eeeshhh... what am I getting myself into?


Today I :
1. Had a friend bring me a yummy decaf americano and sat on the couch visiting while it rained and our boys played.
2. Hung out with a firefighter.
3. Inspired a week or so ago by above friend, cut felt leaves with my boy and added them to a string of christmas lights.

4. Had my boy ask me to "put on some jazz, because I like jazz" after telling him I was going to put on some music before we started our craft.

5. Hung out with a vampire.
6. Forgot we had to drive husband to work so we drove him in still in our jammies - my car was in the shop.
7. Thought sitter was coming this afternoon, then realized I never confirmed.
8. Dropped off camera for a sensor cleaning.
9. Got zero photography work done today.


At the suggestion of many books and people I admire, about 6 months ago, I started a new routine. I wake up each morning and have 30 minutes of quiet meditation before my son wakes up and I start my day. It is something I find makes all the difference in my serenity.

As the morning is now darker and colder, I find it tougher to crawl out, away from my warm man and from the warmth and heaviness of our down comforter, but I do it because I know later I will be grateful I did.

Recently I find this routine is affecting other areas of my life. I am becoming more willing to change the way I do things, when the way I am doing it isn't working. I am making a connection between willingness in the moment can lead to peace later on. I have struggled most of my life to make this connection.

Here is an example. For a while it seemed I was starting my day off on the wrong foot. I would get up and hop on the computer and feel pulled in. To business, emails, editing, work. Then my son would awaken, and need breakfast and want tv. When it was time to go to school, we would be rushing...me waiting to the very last minute and then rushing him to get dressed. Too many mornings my son and I would get frustrated with each other.

It didn't feel good to drop him off at preschool feeling tense and aggravated. He will only be 4 once. I know I will miss this age.

I decided that I would change the routine. I now pass the computer and go into his room to snuggle him awake a few minutes before he would normally wake up. (Every once in a while he gets up and heads downstairs before this-life with a 4yr old isn't so reliable) but this snuggle time has turned into such a sweet way to start our day. Sometimes I bring up some toast and juice-tea for me. We giggle and read books. I made him a chore list (inspired by a friend who had one for her daughter up in the kitchen last time we visited) on a piece of cardboard. He gets a smiley face for each chore he does. Some mornings he doesn't want to do any of them and I took the opportunity to be ok with that. But most mornings we make his bed together, he picks his clothes, folds his jammies, sometimes takes a bath, sometimes gets dressed without a bath. We brush our teeth. Then we go downstairs for breakfast.

It has made our mornings happy and relaxed. I start the day feeling gratitude in my heart instead of frustration. I still have the to do lists that are too long and can make me sigh multiple times a day, but I start my day feeling good and this makes facing the to do list so much easier.

I found this most amazing quote on Christine's blog today.

"Let the emphasis be on the now in everything. What you do now is extremely important - the decisions you make in this instant, the way you act, the way you think. As you do this, you find yourself changing and expanding. You can become God-filled, God-minded, God-guided as you take this breath now. This is the most wonderful and uplifting thought possible. You literally feel yourself rising in the sheer joy of it. This is where the complete change can come. You need never be the same again. Old habits, old thought forms and ties can be cut this instant and you can become a transformed person - a triumphant being.

You want to be different? You can be, and you can be perfect now. This is a breathtaking thought. You need never, never be the old self again. You are now in the process of building the light-body, raising the vibrations so that every cell in your body is changing. You are becoming light."

~Eileen Caddy


The Portfolio Project

I stumbled across the Portfolio Project today. I wrote here that Jen Lee's writing class was the only class I took at Squam.

I fell head over heels for her and she inspired me to write. She made me feel brave.

I have been looking for some pod casts to listen to while editing. My computer is upstairs and at night I hear my husband watching tv and long so much for company. Many a night I succumb and go cozy up on the couch by him, but I really could use a few efficient hours of work at night-at least some nights.

So I decided to listen to podcasts by the lovely Jen and Jen starting tonight.

And after the very first one, I am inspired by the idea of quantity over quality. I am going to write a post here every day. Not sure for how long, probably will be inspired when listening to more....but I think it is perfect to combine my writers block, with blogging and use Jen and Jen for inspiration:)

I am not going to worry about format or content. I am just going to blurt it out. giggle. Oh this is really really exciting. I feel giddy.

1. Yesterday a client let me try out their new 5d mark 11 for part of our shoot. OMG can you all join me in squealing AMAZING! This is so on my mental vision board.

2. It was gorgeous here today. After picking up my boy from school, I decided we should go apple picking since I have been sad we haven't gone yet this year.
I left my change in the car, but the goat thought he should show Trey what to do, just in case he did have some change.

3. I thought the cold meant we had the best foliage pass us already. I was soooo wrong. It is gorgeous here. The oranges and yellows are taking my breath away. There are two rotund round chubby maple trees on our side road that are full with perfect yellow leaves. I must take a photo tomorrow to show you. I just want to hug them.


Update in list form

1. A little over a week ago one of my hard drives crashed. The hard drive that contained ALL of my fine art photographs, ALL my marketing materials, my online client records (thank goodness I keep hard copies). I am still trying to recover emotionally. I am holding on to the hope that someday I will meet a computer genius that is just itching for a photographer to trade with or that I hit the lotto. I just can't bare the idea of having lost my flower photographs forever.

I still have small versions for jewelry but not the larger high res versions.

2. I just posted pics from a photosession with the amazing and talented artist Sarah Ahearn on my photo blog.

3. Our laptop computer crashed/died the day after the hard drive crashed. Hence now I have no ability to get online unless holed upstairs in my studio.

4. The past two weeks it has been mostly damp and cold. The one day it was sunny, I felt so happy. Trey and I went to the park and enjoyed the sun, blue sky, leaves and playing.

5. I love when my boy wants to work sitting side by side, listening to music.


The quick Sqaum art workshop post

Well I have been wanting to write a post about my experience at Squam, but of course I must wait until I have all the photos edited right? Well that will just leave the post until god knows when. I took the above photograph while at Squam lake this summer-taking photographs of RDC for their website:)

It also has been postponed for the perfect words. But folks I am embracing reality. My posts have to be quickly written, if written at all.

Squam for me was many things, but most of all it was a much much needed vacation. I simplified and only kept one photo session booked, and signed up for only one class and I didn't sign up for vendor night-even though I felt I should.

I have been burning the candle at both ends and decided that if I was taking off for 4 days on a beautiful lake, with the most beautiful woods...no responsibilities, no one to worry for but myself, I should take full advantage.

The one session was with the lovely, beautiful Pixie and her family. I will be posting the session pics when I am finished editing them-over on my photo blog.

The one class I took was Storyweaving with Jen Lee. Let me tell you this was hands down the best writing class I have ever taken. This includes all of my undergrad and graduate classes. I had never met Jen before, nor read her blog/work. I signed up because it spoke to my anxieties about writing on my photo blog and here, and I felt that it was the one class I could take that would send me home feeling if anything clearer and better armed for writing. It did. I highly recommend the class to anyone who has the opportunity. I think she would make an amazing professor.

Although there were so many wonderful art classes to take, I feel I have learned enough about myself to know, that inspiration is something I do not lack. Focus is what I need to work on.

So yes, I went to an art retreat, just to relax and do nothing but frolic by a lake, see some friends (one of them being my sister in law), and hug as many people as I could. It was the best vacation ever!

Thank you Elizabeth for creating Squam Art Retreats and for being you!