It is officially ended. We are having a D&C tomorrow at 1pm.

I have this HUGE post brewing in my head about where my head is and what I feel in the midst of this, and it seems too big to write, but I feel like it will help me if I do write it.

Suddenly it sunk in this is one of those moments where the purpose of this blog is re presented to me. And the point of this blog truly is that it helps me tremendously to write things out, yet I resist a private diary. Also I have been touched comforted and helped more time than I can count by one of you darlings writing with your heart open and honest.

I got this as my note from the universe this morning that is a great starting point for this post:

Don't you think it should work like this:
You have a desire, you dwell upon it, move with it, and presto, it manifests?
Or, you fall in love at the right time, with the right person, they fall in love, the timing is perfect, and bingo, the earth moves.
Or, you have a huge question, you turn it over to me, forget about it, and ta-da, you just know.
Me, too. Which, actually, is exactly how it does work, Thea, in the absence of fear.
Cool, huh?
The Universe

I grew up as a single child with a single mom. It was wonderful and it was difficult. I see now both were valuable and the wonderful parts really do negate the difficult parts. The difficult parts I see now were really because of my mothers "issues" I don't know what else to call them. Her issues were around the struggle of letting go of the hurt that came up in her childhood. Those hurts grew into big huge monsters. She worked really hard on getting past them, but in the last weeks before her death when I went to a few of her therapy sessions with her (she finally started seeing a therapist when she was diagnosed-she never went before-I believe because she couldn't handle anyone telling her it was now her responsibility as an adult to move on from these issues.) it was presented clear as day that these, "stories, beliefs, hurts, resentments" about her life were unchanged. She decided to go to a therapist because she believed that her emotions had "created" this cancer, and that she could emotionally battle and win over it. What baffles me now is that in many ways my mother illustrated the law of attraction beautifully. I will never forget the Thomas Kincade card she showed me one day when I was little. It was of a house in the woods with a beautiful garden (big shocker?). We would often lay down and look at this card and she would tell me " we will live in this house soon". And we did. In a very universe moving mountains way we ended up living in a house just like it. My mom pulled out the card again after we had moved in and that moment sticks in my memory as if it was yesterday.

So when I was introduced to the movie "The Secret" it really clicked for me.

What it has done for me is:

~made clear that I choose how I feel

~that what I focus on will keep being a part of my life

~that if I feel the joy of having what I really want, more joy and what I want will come

Since seeing the Secret a year or so ago? I have struggled a bit with the difficulty of some things not really seeming to go my way. Or that the law of attraction didn't seem so easy. Maybe it is when looking at a particular house or item, but when it comes to emotions and really big things like having another child, there seemed to be this inner resistance, that I sometimes took as doubt or misbelief.

Now a few weeks before I got pregnant this time, I started imagining a scene that seemed simpler than figuring out minute details. The scene is me sitting on a glider bench as a really old women (a frisky 90+ year old) sitting next to my 4-5 year old great granddaughter-showing her a book with photographs I took that were published and grand (they were safari photos to be exact which puzzles me because I don't really photograph animals hee hee). I look up and there is my granddaughter (her mom) standing looking at us with a smile on her face, then I would try to imagine her mom-as my daughter coming in the room, and it would always weaken at that point-the imagining. So I would jump to an image of walking in a meadow with this great grand daughter, holding hands, picking wildflowers and talking.

So when I got pregnant this time I felt confused to be honest. The absence of joy or sorrow. It just was. I kept going back to those visions of being with my great granddaughter.

When it seemed that this pregnancy wasn't going to work out I started to wonder "now what am I supposed to get from this", because for me-truly every single event in my life no matter how challenging and painful has brought with it gifts and lessons to be learned. That is my experience. I by no means think this is true for others. I am just writing about me.

What was brewing in the outskirts of my mind were brought together in a conversation my husband and I ended up having yesterday morning.

I pause here and gaze out the window at the snow covered limbs and delicate snowflakes falling gently upon them.....................I hesitate because there are many thoughts I want to put together and sometimes I fear that they don't come out the way I feel them.......