This morning I received a much needed email from a blogfriend. She opened her heart and shared some very personal things with me. There was a bit I wrote in reply, that I thought would be good to add to this post. "It's funny that you mention letting myself hold on to these baby things-somehow I wrote all the items in a post for craigs list but it never posted. LOL. I guess I wasn't quite ready in some ways. In other ways I guess I need the freedom that seems to come with letting it go. In some ways the clutter in my basement represented the clutter I seem to be carrying in my head and life with this trying to conceive determination."

I really let the journaling of food and exercise slide a bit-for any of you checking in over at yahoo groups, if you join I think they will email you with a new post so you don't have to check in there unless there is something new.

I have been sooooo crazy busy I haven't really had time to keep a journal, but I have placed a large jar of mixed nuts in my studio for a handful here or there if I am really hungry. I find chewing them really well and waiting a bit between small handfuls, I am well satisfied with just a few.

Today I am 155.5 from 161 starting. That is good. I think it has been 2 weeks? I went to that kick but core conditioning class Tuesday and I have it again today.

On another note-I am going through a lot of changes in my heart and head in relation to my business. Lately freedom-the feeling of openess is a desire so strong I can't seem to let it go.

For me creating, photographing is freeing. I haven't had enough of this freeing lately. I have a very annoying pull to draw/paint and collage. I feel that I am not good at it. It scares me to sit down at a blank page, but as I catch up on posts at Kelly , Misty , Andrea and Christine/Sparkletopia a teeny part of me starts jumping up and down with sheer excitement reading their motivating,encouraging, words, wisdom and experiences.

I look at the situation I am in now, with a messy studio full of jewelry supplies. If I am real with myself, as I have written here before I am not passionate about jewelry, but it has moved decently well and it is in a way an affirmation for my photography as well as some incoming $, so I haven't had an easy time walking away. But when I look at the limited time I have to play and enjoy I have to ask why am I choosing to spend that time and dedicating my creative space to this venture that doesnt bring me joy and is quite a heavy investment in inventory.

So I am ruminating on these things. I may try to do custom pendant work to make some $, it often comes with beautiful stories of love and memories from my customers. It would simplify things, I wouldn't have to spend time on listings in etsy etc. If I streamline the process I can hopefully leave a few free hours for playing with paint and glue and my camera.

I need to play, I need to feel lighthearted, I need to have joy coursing through my veins.

I am writing this here just to work it through for myself. To weigh in my mind and in writing what is bringing me the most joy, am I doing things just because I am used to doing them or because they realy are consistant with what I want to manifest.

I keep wanting to start feeling all that I want, but I just haven't yet gotten clear on what it is. Now how can I manifest if I don't yet know for sure what I want?


Blogger kristen said...

you and i are on similar paths right now sister. i like coming to check in on you and your bravery to post your progress.

i'm so drawn to collage, my desktop is strewn with images i've collected and i'm trying to organize it all, but it's been sitting there for weeks. i don't know how to put it all together because i don't know how it fits in my creativity...i've started the artist way again (consecutively after just finishing), and i'm trusting that it will lead me closer to me, just as it got me through the winter.

3/13/2008 11:29 AM  
Blogger Schmoops said...

i have also been drawn to painting and collaging too lately. while cleaning out my studio to make some room i found all these things i could use in collaging rather than throw away. it is scary to start, i know. i can't wait to see what kind of beauty you put out there. love you sweets!

3/13/2008 1:32 PM  
Blogger jenica said...

you just have to manifest what you know in this moment. i think that's how we discover what we truly are. views change, people change, art changes. just dance to the tune you're singing right now.

3/13/2008 4:43 PM  
Anonymous Lana said...

When I struggled with letting go of baby things, and the dream of having another child, a friend suggested I read the book, "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. BRILLIANT! Cleared my heart and mind. Best wishes.

3/13/2008 10:59 PM  
Blogger megg said...

Just keep on visulalizing that beautiful scene with your great granddaughter - visualize peace and joy JOY JOY - feel it and forget the details - they will come and you will know what to do - you are wise.

love you and miss you my friend!!

3/14/2008 5:55 AM  
Blogger Darlene said...

Hello lovely girl ~*~

I am sending you love and completely relating to "that messy studio" looking like the state of my mind :)

"be brave" has become a war cry in my house...all because of a small precious ring from you :)

x-tra lovins,
xox darlene

3/14/2008 2:21 PM  
Blogger Melba said...

Now how can I manifest if I don't yet know for sure what I want?

I ask myself this question daily.

3/14/2008 10:34 PM  
Anonymous susanna said...

I didn't know that you were trying to concieve. I'm not sure what to write except that I wish you strength and love.

Art-wise, I think often as artists we are taught or expected to devote ourselves to one career path or medium. I struggled with this a several years ago when I felt myself moving away from photo and towards painting. I was so burned out with photography yet that was my career, how I supported myself, where my friends worked, etc.

My friend Constance gave me a great piece of advice: Don't worry about it because it all comes from the same place (in us).

She was right, I learned how to paint (although I'm certainly NOT a pro at it!) and I've been feeling that nudge to shoot with my camera again. Maybe that pull you are feeling to draw/paint or collage will lead you to a new art series or maybe those ideas will fall over into your photography.

3/17/2008 11:28 PM  

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