Well folks my eating healthy plan derailed a bit the past 2 1/2 days. Not the worst it could be but I thought I could drink some wine and have one cupcake at the dinner party/birthday party we had last night. It ended up being multiple glasses of wine, 3 cupcakes and a handful of reeces pieces. Alcohol completely breaks my willpower down it seems.
The other day one of my close friends from college asked me how I felt with the anniversary of my mother's death coming up (on the 11th). I told her I was actually doing ok. This year maybe feeling the easiest. It will be 6 years.
The past few days I have been trying to look at where I am objectively. Wondering if I am really ok, or if I am in coping mode. As we got ready for our party, we decided to move a few things in the basement so we could fit the bounce house down there for the kids. I suddenly saw that at least 50% if not more of the clutter down there is all the baby stuff I have been holding on to for our "next child". All the contraptions, all the clothes. I started loading some of it into the garage-declaring to my husband that I was going to clear this crap out now that we know we won't be having any more. There was a whisper of sadness, and a wonder if I am doing this too fast. But the answer seemed to be that the sooner the better.
Tonight I listed a lot of it on craigs list.
There is a degree of mourning going on deep in my heart. But it feels like the choice to be happy is prevailing and outshining the sadness that comes with loss.
I am once again feeling out of touch in blogland. I hate that feeling. When I haven't read blogs in so long that I feel completely out of touch.
This may sound silly but can you give me some tips on how you do it? Do struggle with this? What do you do to make it work? I keep telling myself that I should just go back to reading a certain number of blogs each day and then I will eventually get to all of them.
The other day one of my close friends from college asked me how I felt with the anniversary of my mother's death coming up (on the 11th). I told her I was actually doing ok. This year maybe feeling the easiest. It will be 6 years.
The past few days I have been trying to look at where I am objectively. Wondering if I am really ok, or if I am in coping mode. As we got ready for our party, we decided to move a few things in the basement so we could fit the bounce house down there for the kids. I suddenly saw that at least 50% if not more of the clutter down there is all the baby stuff I have been holding on to for our "next child". All the contraptions, all the clothes. I started loading some of it into the garage-declaring to my husband that I was going to clear this crap out now that we know we won't be having any more. There was a whisper of sadness, and a wonder if I am doing this too fast. But the answer seemed to be that the sooner the better.
Tonight I listed a lot of it on craigs list.
There is a degree of mourning going on deep in my heart. But it feels like the choice to be happy is prevailing and outshining the sadness that comes with loss.
I am once again feeling out of touch in blogland. I hate that feeling. When I haven't read blogs in so long that I feel completely out of touch.
This may sound silly but can you give me some tips on how you do it? Do struggle with this? What do you do to make it work? I keep telling myself that I should just go back to reading a certain number of blogs each day and then I will eventually get to all of them.
posted by Colorsonmymind at 9:47:00 PM
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8 Comments:
I completely understand feeling out of touch... I have been entirely absent from Blogland for a while now... so many things have happened and I have not sat down to write them out, and I rarely read or comment on blogs these days... I feel sad about it. And to be honest I am not sure what to do with it all...
I do know that I don't want to fall out of touch with you! I want to talk soon. I miss my friend :)
Love to you this week.
xoxo
i have to tell you, sweet girl, that i struggle to keep up with blogs also. i mean, really, there is only so much one person can do in a day and i often have to remind myself to cut myself some slack. if i'm away for too long the guilt starts to grow. lately i've been feeling like i need to go through and organize my bloglines a bit better. blog spring cleaning? there are new blogs i love and some that i always want to make sure i stay connected with. now if only i could make the time to reorganize this aspect of my life i think i would save myself a lot of self deprecation! :)-
as for wine...ouch. i drank too much after my opening. now i remember why i don't drink very often. oh, i was having so much fun though! gah.
love you!
j.
I think parties are when diets should be derailed. And then we get back on the next day. It's when I keep eating those goodies that I'm in trouble.
You've got a lot going on right now. I wish I could give you a hug.
As for keeping up with blogs - I've just gone through my bloglines and deleted the ones I don't have any connection to, the ones I read because they initially caught my eye for some reason. It feels much more manageable. I get a little overwhelmed when I'm behind on reading. To combat that I just go through and catch up on the latest posts and hope I haven't missed anything important.
to live in this moment...feeling the joy....comforting the sadness with love...for that is all I can do.
Sweet Girl,
I truly understand "There is a degree of mourning going on deep in my heart. But it feels like the choice to be happy is prevailing and outshining the sadness that comes with loss."
Here is part of a post I did a few days ago...
"This is not a post of total sadness or despair....it's an overall sadness for things happening of which we don't have control over...and not understanding...I'm loving the 'not understanding' right now...for that is living in the moment."
And for the disconnection with blogland...just read/write to those you feel you have a connection...this world is about nourishing of your own soul...do what is right and good for you.
Thinking of you...big time! xx
I have been blogging for almost 3 years~ in that time I have learned to release any guilt I feel for not keeping in touch all the time. When I feel obligated, then blogging is not fun and does not feel good and if it does not feel good then it is not something I want to invite in my life.
That said~it is time consuming to keep up with everyone I really want to know.
Naturally what has happened over the 3 years is that some blogs I gravitate to more than others. If I find myself just not resonating with a blog anymore I just gradually stop reading their blog~it has nothing to do with them as a person or blogger...I really try to let my heart guide me.
I have my list of links and check them all about every other day...a few every few hours (our computer is always on)Some blogs I only check through lists on other blogs~this makes me feel less obligated and when I do check in on an old friend it is a nice feeling.
I only comment on a small handful of blogs. I can tell from my stats it is the same for many bloggers who read me. I like it this way. Some bloggers I read and have a conversation with through comments, others I have a conversation with through email, and others we only read each others posts ~but I know if they needed me or I needed them for something more~the support is always there.
I find going through my stuff always brings up lots of memories, but you are right you end of feeling so much lighter too.
Hope you have a great day today today!
XO,
Melba
Clearing through your baby gear must have been hard, and I'm sending you virtual hugs and warm positive thoughts to help you through that process.
I struggled for a long time with blogs - but then I found bloglines. Wow! It's a savior. It takes time to add and update feeds, but so worth it - because you can read through a lot of blogs in one sitting. I just added yours on today.
Thinking about you on this day. May memories of your mother bring a smile to your face.
Speaking of smiles, your first paragraph had me rolling on the ground, laughing.
As for being disconnected from blog land, I so understand. I think we all go through this, specifically when dealing with grief. I'm learning not to be so hard on myself about it. I pay a visit here and there, when I can. Some Sunday mornings, I grab a cup of coffee and relish going down my blogroll. And sometimes, I can go weeks without paying anyone a visit. C'est la vie.
Namaste.
Thea, my other comment might have seemed...I don't know, too short, simple.
Having lost a parent myself, there is a deep sadness that comes with the anniversaries.
And then to read about you putting away the baby clothes... I don't know you personally but I wish I could give you a big hug tonight. I wish you happy days, sunshine, lots of hugs from your family and laughter with your friends. And don't worry about the wine and cupcakes! Those are perks in Life!
As for keeping up with my blog reading. It's impossible! I say, don't worry about it and don't feel guilty or bad for it. We'd have to be hooked up to our computers 24 hours, 7 days a week to keep up with posting, reading, commenting and then responding to comments - and we wouldn't be really living our lives then!
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