After my miscarriage this March it seemed that all the grief from losing my mother 5 yrs ago and all my numerous miscarriages since compounded into this big mound. I couldn't seem to look at it, or give it any acknowledgement. I didn't want to fall hard like the March before when we miscarried at 13 weeks.

So I did what is easiest for me. I started a new project: portrait photography with gusto. Full on attention and near obsession to keep my mind so busy it couldn't possibly settle on the grief in my heart.

Now this coping mechanism a major flaw: it is impossible to keep up nonstop 24/7. I needed something to fill the gap-something that was mundane and easy to do when my brain was exhausted. I stupidly and idiotically picked up smoking. Yes my mother died of lung cancer. Yes it seems the stupidest most idiotic thing. My silly rationale-which really is not rationale is that she stopped smoking 20 years before being diagnosed. That she got the type of lung cancer that is less linked to smoking. That because I smoked from age 14-26 the damage is already done. Wow writing it out-so silly. No sense at all.

Also smoking was a way to punish myself-or to affirm that I am a failure-it was a logical reason to pull away from my husband physically. Less hugs and kisses that may reveal my disgusting habit.

In retrospect I see that all I wanted to do was block myself off from receiving love-I felt unworthy. I felt terribly flawed for miscarrying a second time for a random reason, when there are so many established risks related to me already and that were the cause of all my other miscarriages.

There is something about being a failure at this fundamental biological womanly task that rocks my core, and taps into all my insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.

I often don't see the logic or can comfort myself with rational thoughts, but it doesn't take away the inside pain that rests beneath the surface.

Blogging love and support also was blocked out by my consuming task master grief brain. Every spare moment was spent on portriat photography.

So what happened to bring me to this post? To writing about this now?

I can't point to one thing. I think it was a combo of a few things:

~ self awareness that I can change my thoughts and how I perceive things. That my happiness is linked to gratitude and my thoughts.

~ because I have been open to and have nurtured connections with family and friends, I miss it when I block some of them out.

~ because I have started to see my own worthiness the past few years it feels less right when I go back to feeling unworthy. This often leaves me in a weird middle place but it is better than staying in unworthiness.

~ because I have seen others lift themselves out of this place I have strong and forever nagging :) reminders that I do not have to stay here.

~ because many of my loving nurturing friends are also parents to my sons friends I have been unable to completely block myself off, thereby leaving a perfect bridge back. Having a friend help me see that I was completely consumed with photography-and that she missed talking about other things.

~ Having a husband who found a cig butt-respond with frustration and love instead of condescention, reprimands and misunderstanding.

~ Having a friend share her own courageous moves to being more connected.

~ Seeing my sister in law on her steady path to better health

and truly the list could go on and on.

So this am I ventured back ....and started to open up my heart again to all the beautiful souls I have found in blogland.

I am on day three of being smoke free.

My husband said I may want to try journaling to get through the quitting urges-then I read a post from Jessie about (Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo).

So maybe journaling here and on paper is a good way to work through this. I know it is definitely going to be better to pick up a pen than a cigarette.

So I am curious if any of you have : a) been hypnotized to quit something b) used journaling to work through something after long resisting journaling c) have any tips on how you resisted picking up cigarettes again after quitting.