I have to get my son ready for school and some other things so this will have to be quick.

The procedure went well. My uterus is pretty crampy today but I have a decent pain killer that is kicking in as I write this. The Dr. said I probably would have started miscarrying myself that afternoon, as the tissue was clotted and started separating already. I chose a D&C because I once had tissue left behind and it was pretty damn painful. A D&C is easier in some ways.

All in all I think I am ok. 2 nights ago I had a huge hormonal decrease and a big emotional let out. Tons of crying and feeling the pain of all this. Having a big cry when it is tehre and ready feels so healthy to me.

Where I left of my last post warrants a longer explanation, that I will write later, but I am going to end with a quote from an emnail my dear friend Meg's sent me the other day, because it is right on track wwith what I want to write about.........

".........I just read your post and I have to wonder - isn't it possible that your great grand-daughter from your vision is your SON'S grand daughter?? There is no reason why your vision isn't possible - but maybe it will just come from a different source than the one you imagine. I can feel you having a long, fiesty life. Your son will know what it is to love a strong woman and will love a strong woman in return........"

It is officially ended. We are having a D&C tomorrow at 1pm.

I have this HUGE post brewing in my head about where my head is and what I feel in the midst of this, and it seems too big to write, but I feel like it will help me if I do write it.

Suddenly it sunk in this is one of those moments where the purpose of this blog is re presented to me. And the point of this blog truly is that it helps me tremendously to write things out, yet I resist a private diary. Also I have been touched comforted and helped more time than I can count by one of you darlings writing with your heart open and honest.

I got this as my note from the universe this morning that is a great starting point for this post:

Don't you think it should work like this:
You have a desire, you dwell upon it, move with it, and presto, it manifests?
Or, you fall in love at the right time, with the right person, they fall in love, the timing is perfect, and bingo, the earth moves.
Or, you have a huge question, you turn it over to me, forget about it, and ta-da, you just know.
Me, too. Which, actually, is exactly how it does work, Thea, in the absence of fear.
Cool, huh?
The Universe

I grew up as a single child with a single mom. It was wonderful and it was difficult. I see now both were valuable and the wonderful parts really do negate the difficult parts. The difficult parts I see now were really because of my mothers "issues" I don't know what else to call them. Her issues were around the struggle of letting go of the hurt that came up in her childhood. Those hurts grew into big huge monsters. She worked really hard on getting past them, but in the last weeks before her death when I went to a few of her therapy sessions with her (she finally started seeing a therapist when she was diagnosed-she never went before-I believe because she couldn't handle anyone telling her it was now her responsibility as an adult to move on from these issues.) it was presented clear as day that these, "stories, beliefs, hurts, resentments" about her life were unchanged. She decided to go to a therapist because she believed that her emotions had "created" this cancer, and that she could emotionally battle and win over it. What baffles me now is that in many ways my mother illustrated the law of attraction beautifully. I will never forget the Thomas Kincade card she showed me one day when I was little. It was of a house in the woods with a beautiful garden (big shocker?). We would often lay down and look at this card and she would tell me " we will live in this house soon". And we did. In a very universe moving mountains way we ended up living in a house just like it. My mom pulled out the card again after we had moved in and that moment sticks in my memory as if it was yesterday.

So when I was introduced to the movie "The Secret" it really clicked for me.

What it has done for me is:

~made clear that I choose how I feel

~that what I focus on will keep being a part of my life

~that if I feel the joy of having what I really want, more joy and what I want will come

Since seeing the Secret a year or so ago? I have struggled a bit with the difficulty of some things not really seeming to go my way. Or that the law of attraction didn't seem so easy. Maybe it is when looking at a particular house or item, but when it comes to emotions and really big things like having another child, there seemed to be this inner resistance, that I sometimes took as doubt or misbelief.

Now a few weeks before I got pregnant this time, I started imagining a scene that seemed simpler than figuring out minute details. The scene is me sitting on a glider bench as a really old women (a frisky 90+ year old) sitting next to my 4-5 year old great granddaughter-showing her a book with photographs I took that were published and grand (they were safari photos to be exact which puzzles me because I don't really photograph animals hee hee). I look up and there is my granddaughter (her mom) standing looking at us with a smile on her face, then I would try to imagine her mom-as my daughter coming in the room, and it would always weaken at that point-the imagining. So I would jump to an image of walking in a meadow with this great grand daughter, holding hands, picking wildflowers and talking.

So when I got pregnant this time I felt confused to be honest. The absence of joy or sorrow. It just was. I kept going back to those visions of being with my great granddaughter.

When it seemed that this pregnancy wasn't going to work out I started to wonder "now what am I supposed to get from this", because for me-truly every single event in my life no matter how challenging and painful has brought with it gifts and lessons to be learned. That is my experience. I by no means think this is true for others. I am just writing about me.

What was brewing in the outskirts of my mind were brought together in a conversation my husband and I ended up having yesterday morning.

I pause here and gaze out the window at the snow covered limbs and delicate snowflakes falling gently upon them.....................I hesitate because there are many thoughts I want to put together and sometimes I fear that they don't come out the way I feel them.......

Manifesting

Ok I started dreaming about things that make me smile just thinking of them

~ A fun fully planned relaxing two night three day driveable from upstate NY vacation for me and my man-just the two of us. I have my amazing sil working on some ideas for this. I am not a natural planner of getaways but we need one.

~ This Bike with a basket

~ To find a great house with a fireplace and a two stall garage in the small town of Niskayuna. Walking distance to a large # of our friends, old tree lined streets great for walking/running/bike riding, couple of blocks from the post office-where I could hop on my bike and drop off packages, few blocks from small quaint shopping park etc.

~ Being 20 pounds lighter and feeling fit.

~ These outfits for spring summer and my new slimmed down figure;)

I got in for an ultrasound this am.

The baby's heartrate has dropped. The sac looks even smaller. Disaster. Not good. Doomed.

It sucks and I am feeling pretty sorry for myself in some ways and just keep trying to think of the good stuff. Not because I shouldn't allow the sad feelings, but because I find my anger and frustration is starting to manifest in me wanting to yell at slow drivers and saying "for fucks sake" WAY too often.

So I decided I would come here and try to write down a few things that I should be happy about.

~The sun is out
~I know all of you are sending me good energy and blessings
~I have amazing friends that take my son when I have to go to the Dr., entertain me and are always there, which helps a ton.
~I took down my second show last night, and I sold 5 framed photos and there is interest in 2 others, and I was contacted by a woman who is interested in a bulk order of larger pieces for her office.
~In the car this morning my son started laughing when I winked at him in the rear view mirror. Then he said I was funny and that daddy was funny. Thank goodness he didn't say "for fucks sake lady could you cheer up?"
~My son is napping and I can veg out on the couch.
~Some new tunes I bought off itunes. And hey I have been dancing. May not be able to muster it today but I will try.

I miss blog reading-just haven't gotten my brain back and can't seem to muster the energy.

I know I am slow, really slow sometimes when it comes to paying attention to names etc.

I always loved The song Rehab. My son and I belt it out in the car-it is on a mixed cd my amazing brother in law gave us for xmas. I just yesterday-saw Amy winehouse singing in concert on tv, and made the connection. LOL. I am lame.

Anyway I just bought her album off itunes and can I say I LOVE her voice and the music! The lyrics-not so much-but for once I could care less. I am so in an Amy Winehouse appreciation mode.

My numbers yesterday SU*$ed the big one.

My beta went up from 1900+ to 2000+ a whole whopping 100 points in 2 days. So not only am I like 10 days behind but now it actually is 12 and instead of doubling it went up 100 points. Can I say I feel doomed? Also came a cross an article that said slow rising betas even when a heartbeat is seen has 90% chance of miscarrying.

So what about Dr, Miracle? What about all that hope crap I spoke of? Well I am still taking the meds, and will go in Wed probably for bw and u/s again. That will definitely tell a lot. I call my Dr., Dr. Miracle because he is so perfect for me and my personality, not because i think he performs miracles. He is fabulous and I have my son because of him, and my friend who is now 40 is about to have her second after going to him-after dissing a reputable clinic that didn't work for her.

Let me tell you my plan. IF this pregnancy fails I am going to train for the Womens Freihoffers (sp?) here in Albany this spring. I am going to collect the most slamming, amazing, shake your booty music from my collection and make multiple playlists. I am going to dance for at least 3 songs a day starting tonight. Anyone who has been around here a while knows how much I believe that feeling happy attracts better things. What feels better than that blissful happy excited dancing in your place grooving? Now if this fails I have decided I will train my ass off running at least 4 days a week. Have you ever noticed how really really funky fast music can make you run so much longer and faster? Mind you- I will be starting off REALLY slow, but from experience it only takes about 6 running sessions until it starts getting much easier. Since I don't want to get a beer gut, and don't do drugs of any kind, endorphins will become my friend. I will run and dance my way back to the living. If any of you think you want to partner up online to be running partners/buddies email me.

An infertile's soapbox

So ex lax-1 adult dose yesterday and another this am finally got through my sons resistance to letting it all hang out so to speak. I have never been so thrilled to change a HUGE poop diaper in my life.

The relief this brings is amazing.

So I have a teeny bit of energy to get on my soap box about infertility treatment and talk passionately about my experience.

Taking my own personal experience, the experience of many bloggers I have read, many women on message boards and forums, and friends dealing with infertility, I have formed the opinion that many gyn Dr.'s are pretty reserved about pulling out all the stops, or about researching or trying new things when it comes to fertility.

My obgyn looked at my ultrasound only-didn't ask for me to get more bw. Didn't seem to think there was any info to be learned by hormone levels. The obgyn office is so kind and caring. I know they want the best for me, but I walked out of there with a we have to wait and see recommendation.

For the first 4 years of this 6 year fertility journey I gained strength, determination, knowledge courage to be a pain in the ass fighter to have questions answered and even challenged treatments prescribed by Dr. dipshit that I saw at the beginning of my journey(I was also right most of the time :). But something happened this past year or so. Probably having a baby (blessing) to take care of just leaves me with less energy, but more so, I am just worn out from all the effort.

After getting my second beta level a couple of weeks ago, I asked Dr. Miracle's office if I could wait a bit to have an ultrasound. And then I skipped getting bw drawn. Just because I fell into thinking some of what Dr. Miracle prescribes is overkill, and I wanted to try to get through this with as little fuss as possible.

Then I got a call from Dr. Miracles office with my blood results yesterday. I heard the confusion in the nurses voice. With all the meds I was "taking" the progesterone and estrogen levels didn't make sense. Little did she know one of her most determined patients had lost hope and had been skipping doses here and there.

So this am I spoke to her and called the clinic that did the u/s for exact measurements. Did some research while waiting for the nurse at Dr. Miracles office to consult with Dr. Miracle and get back to me.

When I had the consult with him a few weeks ago he had told me he had set up a study on giving estrace to patients with lower levels of estrogen. He believes it can help reduce the rate of miscarriages. My estrogen fell from the first blood test to the second. I was put on estrace. I then skipped getting a blood test for a bit over a week. During my search yesterday I found the following study:

T. Ohtsuka1, M. Taga1, T. Suzuki1 and H. Minaguchi1
(1)
Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Yokohoma City University School of Medicine, 3-9 Fukuura, Kanazawa-ku, 236 Yokohama, Japan
Received: 2 June 1993 Accepted: 22 June 1994
Abstract In 152 patients with an early pregnancy which was subsequently normal, we measured the maternal serum levels of estradiol (E2), progesterone (P4) and prolactin (PRL) as well as the diameter of gestational sac (GS) and the crown-rump length (CRL) of the embryo by transvaginal ultrasonography. The maternal serum level of E2 had the closest statistically significant correlation with both the GS diameter (r = 0.769,P < r =" 0.736,">


Then I found the following study which will make more sense knowing that the crl yesterday was 4.8mm and the gestational sac was 8.5mm-that makes a difference of 3.7mm

Relationship of Small Gestational Sac-Crown- Rump Length Differences to Abortion and Abortus Karyotypes
RICHARD P. DICKEY, MD, PhD, TERRY T. OLAR, PhD, STEVEN N. TAYLOR, MD, DAVID N. CUROLE, MD and ELLEN M. MATULICH, RT, RDMS From The Fertility Institute of New Orleans and the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Tulane University School of Medicine, New Orleans, Louisiana
Abstract
We retrospectively reviewed ultrasound findings in 539 infertility patients to evaluate the incidence of small gestational sac syndrome and its association with abortion, karyotype of the abortus, and known abortion factors. Small gestational sac syndrome (gestational sac diameter minus crown-rump length less than 5 mm) occurred in 1.9% of pregnancies scanned with vaginal ultrasound 37-65 days after the first day of the last menstrual period. The rate of fetal death was 80.0% when the gestational sac diametercrown- rump length difference was less than 5 mm, 26.5% when the difference was 5-7.9 mm (P<.002 compared with less than 5 mm), and 10.6% when the difference was 8 mm or more (P<.0001 compared with less than 5 mm). Karyotypes were normal in all eight fetuses when the gestational sac diameter-crown-rump length difference was less than 5 mm (P<.03). Small gestational sac syndrome was present before fetal death in 10.7% of all cases, and in 24% in which the karyotype was normal. Of the factors analyzed— maternal age, previous abortions, low hCG or progesterone levels, and use of ovulation induction medications—only maternal age was significantly different (P=.011) in patients with small sac syndrome. We conclude that small gestational sac syndrome is an infrequent but important complication of early pregnancy, which occurs more often in karyotypically normal than in abnormal fetuses.

What kills me is that most of the pregnancies from this study that miscarried with <5mm difference were normal genetically.

I have been so worried about my balanced translocation causing a miscarriage, I never thought that again (my last loss due to anencephaly had nothing to do with the bt)-I would be facing a situation not related to my bt.

So Dr. Miracle called in a script for an antibiotic asap. There is a reason that he thinks it can possibly help the gestational sac catch up.

The idea that there may be a healthy genetic baby with a little strong heartbeat, stuck in a too small gestational sac-and may die because of it. Hurts really really bad.

So what will being on extra estrace, progesterone and an antibiotic do to harm me? What if it saves this baby?

My sweet obgyn sent me off to wait, with a recommendation to stop the progesterone shots since I was also on day and night progesterone suppositories. My question is why didn't he (or the avg gyn research and try things that may help, and very likely not hurt?

I am a biologist. I know that we look for large studies. But is that a good enough reason? Just because there aren't 10,000+ people in the study? Is it because it hasn't been studied 100's of times. Why not take a chance-step out on a limb-try the slightly unexplainable, think critically? Why not try everything posssible to try and save a baby?

I really do adore my obgyn. I know he cares. But I highly admire, respect and love Dr. Miracle ,because he takes chances-he pulls out all the stops. He does anything and everything logical to try and help you make a healthy baby. Every single woman with anything but a text book IF diagnosis should find a Dr. Miracle of their own. Heck-jump on a plane or in the car and go see mine in NJ. He will fight for that baby you want. I am so confident I will promise you that he will.

Artfest spot

I am so sad about this. I wanted to go so badly, but I have to try to sell my spot to Artfest.

Tears fall as I write this as I wanted to meet so many lovelies there. I was blessed to get into a class with Misty and two other great ones as well.

If any one is interested. I have a dorm room, lunch, dinners and my class line up is
Thur: kazmer
Fri: mawn
Sat bagby

I have given Teesha $300 of the 4650 for my package. She need the remaining $350 asap.

email me at thea@theacoughlin.com if interested.

Inconclusive

Today I went to an IVF Dr. oiffice to get an us and bloodwork.

The ultrasound there measured the crl as 6w1d, the yolk sac as 4.3mm and the hr at 131. She said the only thing slightly off is the gestational sac which measures small. She didn't say how small and my brain being on shut off mode was completely busy with the other info. A few years ago I would have walked out of there with every number possible memorized. I left trying my best to contain the excitement that started brewing. I mean hey everything is looking pretty normal according to this ultrasound. But this was the same place that told me at my twice weekly ultrasounds that the last baby looked perfect until 10 weeks and we all know that didn't turn out well. It amazes me how long a day, a week, feels right now.

So I drove off with all intentions to distract myself until blood work results came in.

My inlaws took small boy for the day-so I got a monster burrito and went to see Juno by myself. Is it me or did you find yourself laughing out loud? People kept looking at me when I laughed-and I was trying to keep it down. The end of course was a bit emotional, but the one liners from that girl totally made me laugh.

This afternoon I got a call from my clinic with my hormone levels-which are pretty alarming-my estrogen is 113 should be climbing from first level of 137, my progesterone is 15 (:0) from 60+ a week or so ago when I was taking my meds like clock work and my beta hcg is only 1921. That is a very low beta for this stage-based on my beginning levels and the fact that they are supposed to double every 48 hrs. I just used a beta calculator and my beta was 200 on Feb 2nd. My beta's are doubling every 6.5 days instead of the 2-2.5 bit is supposed to. That just plain sucks, and I guess explains the small gestational sac. WTF. I swear this feels like slow torture. I give-I will tell you whatever you want......just stop torturing me......I wish it was that easy.

So apparently stopping the progesterone shots on my own was stupid-I figured since I ovulated and am taking day and night suppositories it was overkill. Oh and yeah, I forgot one or two of the evening suppositories. But I was going with 30% folks. Also I don't think the hcg would be low because of progesterone but maybe I am wrong.

So handsome husband stood and waited a long time for a bunch of STAT calls to get a script filled for more progesterone in oil this evening and I eagerly await the 1 1/2 " needle. I go in tomorrow for more blood work.

More fucking suspense.

My mind is numb
I can't really think much
my son is on an eating and drinking strike
all of a sudden being very crabby and demanding
guilt that my mindset is bringing this out in him
glints of reality that he is probably stretching his
power/ego muscle that starts to pop up around this age
I am just having a hard time dealing with it hour after hour
day after day.
It has been since the ER visit on Thursday since he has moved his bowels
so there are Dr. phone calls, medicines, drinks that I am trying to get him to take
that just aren't doing much.
Today they told me I need to bring him to a gastroenterologist. I am waiting for them to cal with the appointment time.
I got in for an ultrasound at the local fertility place tomorrow morning. The fact that they are experienced measuring early pregnancies makes me want to seek out their expertise. I still go to my obgyn on Thursday, but I look forward to tomorrow, as it will probably give some more answers.
I just want to veg out in front of the tv
I wake up in the morning wanting to feel a great day ahead-imagining all the great things that will happen
and I just can't.
I literally can't think/create/secretize things.
It is the strangest feeling-this numbness
it is better than feeling miserable
I feel as if I have had a partial labotomy
I spent his nap time watching in treatment episodes back to back
my husband has been out of town for business since yesterday
I am now going to make dinner and hope my boy eats something

I can't wait to get my brain back.

Bad news

I had my ultrasound first and then my appointment with my Dr afterwards.

On the ultrasound I saw a heartbeat thumping away and was in shock. We have only seen a normal heartbeat with my son.

The heart rate was 132, the yolk sac was only 3.7mm (anything over 6mm with someone with a genetic translocation can indicate a problem) and I felt thrown off but I must admit a bit hopeful.)

Then my Dr. came in for our appointment. I told him I need to know anything and everything that may look off right away because thinking everything was perfect and lovely with the last pregnancy made it pretty shocking to find out at 13 weeks that there were no skull bones. In retrospect-my hcg levels being super high were a warning sign, as well as seeing long bones but no skull bones before 13weeks.

Anyway he told me the crl is only 1.7mm-very very small-for the yolk sac to be so large, for a hr to be detected etc. The baby measures less than 5wks, while I am about 6w2d pregnant right now. This is not very good. He said he can't be sure, but he may give it a 30% chance of making it. I have to go get an ultrasound next Thursday. So more waiting.

I cried and cried in the car. Mostly because I just feel so tired and worn out. The idea of waiting another week-possibly more to find out this pregnancy will be a loss is exhausting. More time where I am exhausted and nauseous, and wanting to eat my emotions and pain down.

Bee from waiting on the front porch wrote a post about losing/missing her mom that just really hit home for me today. March 11th will be 6 years since my mom died. I have wound up pregnant in January a few times and losing pregnancies around the same time that I lost my mom-is really hard for me.

I have decided that I want to embrace joy. I want to have more of it in my life. To protect my heart, my husbands heart and my sons heart by avoiding walking into situations (like pregnancy) until I feel really really strong. That time may never come, but that will be ok.

It is natural to feel sad about something that could have been (with losing a parent or a baby). Healthy even. But I feel like this has been the center of my life and focus for so long with losing my mother and so many pregnancies. But I desire to have the center of my life be about what is, for there to be no competing what could be's stealing the show. It is so draining to stay positive and ignore the elephant in the room, like a failing pregnancy. I want my life to be about feeling fully the joy of what I have. To celebrate and nourish what is right before me. I see that I have a very real choice in this matter, by letting go of having another child for a while.

I want to nourish my relationship with my husband and child. I want us to have fun, feel the lightness and beauty of life. To feel less burden, to not worry about being resilient. To restore.

I want to get in a routine of running and doing yoga-to feel life thumping in my chest-my life. To feel agile and self aware. To take care of the life I have.
I want to get up in the am feeling spunky-strong-sexy-excited
I want to dance and play with the men in my life because it comes easy, I don't want to have to
work so hard to choose it over sadness.
I want to feel balance
I want to be close with my husband over fun things not just the hard things

It is time to seek fun, love and romance and shut the door to heartache.

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Just checking in-my son got the awful cold I had-poor thing. I still have a cough but the cold is mostly gone for me. In it's wake it left the underlying nausea. which has seemed to dcrease the past few days a bit, making me nervous that things aren't going so well in the pregnancy hormone department. My son is not a big eater, so when he had the cold he was eating even less. His main staple was bananas. I feel stupid that it didn't dawn on me this may lead to this prone to constipation little boy getting really bound up. So the last 3 days were spent serving my little nasty mooded dictators every food wim. It is amazing to me how some indulgence, feeling bad with a cold can lead to this little buddy of mine making me want to kick and scream in my own temper tantrum. Then we spent the day in the ER today because it had been a week since he went number 2. They did an xray and he was pretty blocked up. Then he had to get an enema-that was pleasant. Poor baby then spent 30 minutes in what looked like active labor. He finally released it and then fell asleep. Poor little guy.

We are home he is ok. We are going to nap now.

My ultrasound is tomorrow am for heartbeat check. No other news. I refused in between testing since it really doesn't tell us much. Have just been biding my time for tomorrow.

On the sweet side

I am not on the sweet side.

One of my closest friends from childhood (Hope), my husband, and the pregnancy nurse have all said something about my seemingly bad attitude about this pregnancy. My husband actually pointed out that my expression of anger about the beta results going up could very likely have hurt someone ttc's feelings-as it would have mine, before we had our son. So cute, that he thinks in terms of a ttc womans feelings, that I couldn't defend myself, even under my breath or in my own mind. So I came back and tried to reword it a bit.

I know I will survive this no matter what happens. I know I will. Yesterday a very very wise parental figure pointed out that each pregnancy emotionally doesn't start with a clean slate. Part of me doesn't feel ready to handle another loss. I am trying my best to go through each day not thinking, not feeling about this. Trying to let time pass. Trying not to let my estrogen levels that are not rising as they should, or the progesterone levels that are ok, but supplemented, which both could indicate the poor genetic quality of the egg, get me down. What is the point? There won't be any prediction of viability until 7weeks-when they know they should see a heartbeat (my offices have high tech ultrasounds-some older ones do not see heartbeats at this point.)

It is scary to realize I may be very close to my limit of tolerance for all this. This means that I would have to choose to use birth control. Do you know what this can to do a determined ttc at all costs woman?

I don't have the flu by the way. I have some wicked sinus thingy and wicked cough. Charming.

On the sweet side:
My son and I went out today to walmart to buy materials to plant seeds this weekend indoors. Simple easy reproduction.LOL.

I am so utterly grateful for my husband who gets me but wiill not forget about all the other women ttc either.

Chowder fest this past weekend with lots of friends and their kids.

The best homemade Italian dinner at Genine's house. Just think homemade gnocci with gargonzola sauce as a first course. The rest was just as good, but I may gain another 5 lbs just writing anymore about it.

Deciding to take my son with me on errands and a photo date, instead of to school, just because the trees were covered in ice, the sun was out and I love hanging out with him that much.

That my son is a mature shopper, never greedy. Upon checkout at Walmart I asked him if he wanted one of the toys I had put in the cart. He said "No thanks". It made the checkout girl chuckle.

That when we drove up to the house there was a huge huge swarm of robins in the trees in the front of our house. That before I could say anything my son said" momma, look at the birds in our tree", and then when I opened my window to take pictures he lowered his voice to a whisper, so as not to scare them away.

Kneeling over the back of the couch watching the birds together after we came inside.

Hmmmm the sweeter side of things is always a better place to be.

Pastries and what seems to be the flu

I think I have the flu. I am so tired - the kind of tired where you wonder if you have mono or something.I have never had it but you are supposed to be ridiculously tired right?

I just wanted to share these cute pics from a recent photo shoot I decided to do while at a bakery with my trusty 3 yr old assistant. He would patiently wait for me to take my photos (except for the chocolate sprinkled one that I never got a photo of, and the ammareto canoli you see him grabbing here) and then sample each pastry. He even sampled the cappuccino. And yes I let him eat as much as he wanted of these. And before lunch. hee hee. Sometimes you gotta have a sweet bakery adventure right?

Mistakes

We all make mistakes right?

Here are a few I have dealt with the past 2 days.

1. When I offered the link to my new business blog I was wrong.It is:

www.theacoughlinphotography.blogspot.com

2. Our insurance changed on January 1st. We still have good coverage. It doesn't cover infertility treatments or acupuncture, but it does pay for many things, and I am eternally grateful we have it.

Anyway-because we have new insurance I had to go to a different place for my blood work this past Friday. I have a standing order I have multiple copies of for: Estradiol, Progesterone and HCG. Since my Fertility Dr. is in NJ I have to get it drawn in a lab here- they need to send it out STAT (so it comes back the same day) and then fax the results to my Dr. in NJ who then makes appropriate changes to my protocol. Since I have been doing this for the past 5 years or so, off and on, I made sure to point out the order was STAT and where the number was on the slip where they should fax the results. Friday afternoon comes and I figure since I haven't heard from my Dr. They must not have gotten the test results. I call the lab and sure enough they didn't send them. They were still waiting for the estrodiol results. I asked them to fax over the hcg and prog in the mean while. Sat comes and goes-most labs and my Dr. are open Sat. No call. Monday at 1pm I call the lab again to check on the estradiol. They tell me they still don't have it, actually with prodding I find out it hasn't been run-and won't be until Tuesday am. I had it drawn STAT on Friday morning!
I made a big fuss. I told them it was important-I could lose a high risk pregnancy if I didn't get my Dr. these results. It took an hour on the phone-3 levels of people-my refusal to accept there wasn't something they could do (the key is not to blame the person you are speaking to-just keep restating the facts. Nicely and calmly). There were many long silences. I would not give in. I got a call back an hour after getting off the phone. The woman managed to have it tested last night. There is always a way. Always.
My Dr. got the results this am. And.....my estrogen went down some and they are putting me on 2mg of estrace. Now logically if I miscarry it probably would be due to my balanced translocation. I am thinking if my corpus luteum isn't producing the right amount of estrogen maybe it is because it was a faulty egg. But maybe that isn't true. Maybe like my amazing Dr. thinks estrogen supplementation when needed could help prevent miscarriages. Here is an interesting study done on estrogen and early pregnancy that supports this idea: http://www.earlypregnancy.org/EPBM/EPBM%20IV/Vol.%20IV,%20Num%203/EPBM1135.htm

The point of this is to say-please stand up for yourself. Try not to piss the person off you are speaking to but stick to your guns, calmly. It is your body. You have a right to take care of yourself-and be your own best advocate.

3. Yesterday I also had to deal with a collection agency that has been trying to collect payment on a test that was run on the last pregnancy - I think a genetics test. One that I know was covered by my insurance. I have been talking with them numerous times over the past 2 months-often calling 4-5 different people all who tell me I need to call someone else. Up until yesterday the story went that the test was submitted without the correct insurance info. It was said it was the hospital lab, my dr, my insurance, the dr that performed the procedure, the pathologist at the hospital. Yesterday when I called them they changed their tune. They told me that they did get the insurance info-submitted it and they paid but this bill was the balance of what the insurance wouldn't pay. I took her name-I told her I was calling my old insurance company-and what should I tell them they need to do, since I knew they would pay for it and she was lying or had inaccurate info. She told me I could pay on my credit card now and then clear it up with my insurance. I told her no-how should my insurance pay. She said she had no idea, she doesnt bill insurance,I calmly said "so you are telling me you will only take payment from me by credit card you will not accept payment from my insurance?" She got huffy and said she would send me a form. I called my insurance-held it together, was super nice to the woman even though I was super aggravated at that point. The woman from my old insurance company was super nice-called the collection agency-the lab that did the test-gave them the proper information and it is taken care of.


The point to all of this ramble: hold it together-keep calling-keep going higher up. Call the same place different days until you get what you need. This is one gift I have received from this fertility journey. I have learned to stand up for myself when it comes to my health.

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From the soundtrack to the movie Once

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Yesterday hcg was 201-nearly doubled and progesterone was over 60, which I would hope since I take one supp type in the am another in the evening and also a injection in the evening. Progesterone makes me TIRED.

I had called for anti nausea meds, and when my husband came home last night he goes "did you know these anti nausea pills are butt suppositories". Um....no I did not, but I guess it makes sense if you were throwing up everything.

I must admit I noticed I got very scared when I got the hcg numbers. Which was counter to logic since the numbers were good. I am pretty convinced this will miscarry like all, but one other pregnancy due to my genetic stats being so poor. I am trying to stay neautral feeling. Being matter of fact,trying not to be pessimistic that this will turn into another uterus scraping, but hopeful. It is pretty hard to do.

So we are headed to meet friends at the Coffee house with my show up in Saratoga and then to wonder around chowder fest. I feel a bit sick to my stomach but can't figure out what is worse-the symptoms or the cure.

Hope all of you are having a great weekend so far.